DHs story seems implausible. opinions welcome

[trackerc]

Saw in DHs top drawer that there was a pack of 2 condoms - opened it to see one missing. There has been some history of things in thepast - my suspicions, but he has never come out & said hes 'done' things but all would point towards it. Have agreed to let things go & work at it in the past. Now have 14 mth old DD & have told him what Ive found tonight. He has avoided all eye contact, said as little as poss & just commented 'I sometimes like to masturbate with one on' (no history of this, can only count on one had times weve used condoms & this was years ago when met) He has retreated into his cave & said 'Im not going to argue'& his defence was 'why would they be in my top drawer if i was doing anything' All seems avoidant, not expaining or even empathising. Almost immediatly he said Im going to watch a dvd upstairs & went up hours ago. I know Im going to go up there & he will be the injured party & will never say anything more. I have concluded that continually pressing the subject wont get me anywhere (thats his personality) so am just withdrawing but dont really know where it will lead. Just to have your thoughts would be nice
Thanks in anticipation...

[Janni]

Sorry for you. Don't buy 'masturbating with condom on'. Make a specific time with him to talk this through, he can't avoid it forever.

[umberella]

i wouldn't buy that in all honesty.

[MinkyChunky]

I'm sorry to say this but if it were me I'd be pretty upset. I just would not be convinced about the wanking into a johnnie reason. That's what happy tissues are for.

He's not talking, you are too scared to talk. You have to find a way of communicating. Would you both go for some kind of therapy/counselling?

[TillyScoutsmum]

God - I don't know - sorry. Didn't want your post to go unanswered though...

On one hand, it does seem odd to keep them where you can find them if he is up to something but then again, masturbating with one on seems a bit odd ??

And if he'd wanted you to find them as a way of telling you something - then he would surely open up if pressed ?

Do you want to know ? Can you do some snooping (I know a lot of people don't advocate it but if you do want some proof, then phone/email checking etc. might give you the info you need)

Sorry - you've asked for my thoughts and I have given you incessant weirdy ramblings.

Am sorry though - I have a 14 month dd and the thought of having anything happening which would break my trust in dp would be awful

[trackerc]

I go with gut instinct & I dont buy it either. I looked at him like he was talking rubbish when he said it & he said 'you can stare at me all you like' - nothing more, no elaboration, no trying to convince etc. It all leads to conclusion is a panic response to a question he didnt have a good answer to.

[MinkyChunky]

Can you elaborate on some things in the past.

Has he cheated on you. Did you get closure on it. Did he talk then?

[madamez]

When you say 'history' do you mean he has definitely had sex with other people, or that you have suspected it? Because if it's the latter, then his 'avoidant' behaviour could be because you are particularly paranoid and he is tired of being constantly accused of things he hasn't done.
And if you have been suspecting, and snooping, and checking, for a long time without ever getting any proof that he has breached monogamy then it is possibly you that has the problem.

[Carmenere]

Very, very implausible and suspicious reaction too.

[PinkTulips]

bullshit.

sorry.

dp withdraws like that from arguments too and i find it best to give him an ultimatum if i want the issue dealt with, in your case 'i want the truth by midnight or i want your bags packed by midnight, your choice. we can work through the truth (possibly) but if you continue to lie our relationship is over'

[trackerc]

Thanks for your messages so far. its good just to think & read things through.
A couple of months ago saw on our favourites hed been on an adult friend finder site thing & so approached him. He said it was just to get thrills seeing people looking for other people (plausible) but it makes me think that just general porn would be better & told him so. No more on favourites but of course he could have deleted from favourites & I do feel thaqt I may have shown him my cards byt telling him kind of thing.
Dont consider them weirdy ramblings by the way, all helpful in a funny numb time

[thingamajig]

I would say dont let your suspicians get away with you. The story does sound plausible to me; sorry if TMI but DH will not have sex with condoms on but enjoys a "posh wank". he was probably embarrassed to admit this to you, which would explain his shiftiness. I also think that his explanation of leaving them in the drawer rings true.
You said that your suspisions in the past have not been substantiated. Obviously I do not know the details but say they were completely unfounded, he IS the injured party in this - you have just accused him of adultery so of course he is upset. HTH

[IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast]

DP says "as a bloke who has had affairs in the past, you do not leave your shit lying around like that".

[shrug] He's adamant there's nowehere near enough evidence that he's been up to no good, but did say it's not nice that he won't show some remorse for causing you upset.

Have you had a history of being jealous/insecure? Has he made efforts to reassure you in the past or do you argue about this sort of thing a lot?

[trackerc]

History - been married before, kept in touch for a long time with her after we met/dating & meeting up but telling me he wasnt. As it was in first few months of relationship & he was separated & I respected there must have been lots of water under bridge I might not understand I took it as not too much problem. About year later found he had been on website that his friend (who was single) had been on & been chatting then texting furously even when he was in with me on the sofa & claiming it was his mate. I saw it was a number I didnt know (probably was snooping but based on suspicion, not open paranoia) so I rang it & it was a woman. Confronted him & he admitted hed been texting & ringing her, promised hed never met up, not sure if I fully believed him, but with no proof I accepted what was said with trust & we moved on. About a year after he had job that meant occasional nights away, one night he was at work party, he rang me late to say goodnight (bit pissed) & said he was in bed. He was shifty next day & I did check his phone log, it had a call made to his boss (pretty thing) after he called me late in the night. I mentioned it but didnt make a thing of it & within minutes hed deleted it so I dont know if it was for long or anything more thatn I beleive my eyes that it happened. He then went off sick from work & then got another job (fishy) I can only conclude that he was avoiding her because he made a fool of himslef or didnt want anything more to happen or he was sick from stress end of.
Thats the history. Reading it back it details a spineless man searching for kicks & I (a v strong woman normally) have jsut let things go without particular redress.

[trackerc]

BTW its him thats been married before.
We dont really argue about any suspiciousness or jealousy, we did do over couple of the 'history' incidents but its not a theme.
I could be reading things into stuff now, but recently hes been encouraging me for a few weeks to go out & stay over at my friends & has been pestering me to go away with a friend this weekend. (I know, I know, maybe imagination running away with me)
Im trying to be objective & will take all your comments on board

[MinkyChunky]

It sounds like your instinct is niggling though doesn't it?

I don't think it matters what anyone says here if you have those niggling doubts (said from experience)

[MrsMacaroon]

A friend of mine told me a story about her ex...she was cleaning under the bed after putting it off for ages. She pulled the bed out from the wall to hoover and found scores of old scrunched up socks. It took a while for the penny to drop (after sniffing and touching them- ew!). He'd been wanking into the socks for months and ferreting them away like a squirrel.

I have no idea whether he's lying about the condoms- you'll probably never know...the point is you don't trust him so there lies your problem.

[MrsMacaroon]

can you ferret like a squirrel? Mixing my animal metaphors there.

[ToughDaddy]

Would you feel equally betrayed if he had the intent (that is, carried condom in his back pocket on night out with mates) vs him actually having committed adultery? I am not making any judgement but pointing out that it could be either?

[trackerc]

Doubt is niggling yes. Not trusting him is the big problem.
Maybe another problem is I dont feel particularly arsed by it either. Thats equally worrying
Maybe I should brave heading to bed & seeing what the reception is...

[MinkyChunky]

Perhaps you are not arsed by it because you are trying to convince yourself it's nothing. Is that preferable to finding something awful that you have to face?

I'm not trying to make things worse for you. It just sounds to me (reading what little I have)like there is so much that is unsaid by both of you.

[trackerc]

TDaddy - I dunno. Not betrayed but feeling he was intent on trampling over our future on the offchance some daft bird was pissed enough to offer & that would be hurtful. Its like what he would be willing to throw away I value my family SO much it would baffle me to think he may gamble it

[trackerc]

I am not trying to convince myself its nothing, I think its something, but not sure what. But maybe youre right I dont really want to face anything as the options seem daunting/too exhausting
You are all helpful & will give me food for thought
x

[MinkyChunky]

I think it would be really helpful to go somewhere to talk. The Relate route perhaps.

[MrsMacaroon]

I'm trying to imagine myself in your situation, trying to read his reactions, having to go up and share a bed with him while all these thoughts swirl around my head and I have to say, knowing me, I would end up having to get it all out in the open ie 'i don't trust you because you have behaved badly in the past. I won't stand for being lied to or disrespected any longer. I am not satisfied by your response or explanation'.
I don't think I could get into bed and just lie there trying to sleep with everything going unsaid...it's ulcer inducing stuff. You only live once and to have a relationship where you pussy foot around such a major thing sounds worse to me than being alone.

Maybe a bit dramatic but I am, I suppose.