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Same old stuff...am I being reasonable

(8 Posts)
grumpy35 Tue 01-Feb-05 16:55:29

Reading all the threads before I can see that my issues with DP are not unusual BUT I'm building up to a crisis...either giving up and accepting the status quo or shouting and crying.

Basically it all boils down to the fact that I have lost my DP's friendship and become his mother and I'm not sure how. I work f/t and my Dp works 3 days a wk and looks after DS on the other 2. He also has a sports related job on a Sat and two evenings a week which he clearly loves and seems to make a inordinate amount of effort for.

He's also a great dad....he has just given up on me/us....

I'm last in the pack even though I earn all the cash and go out of my way to try to make our life enjoyable and not just humdrum so holidays, DS's meals, our meals, social life (what there is of it), family commitments, shopping, gifts and he seems to do the bare min. He would far rather be on the web looking at the football scores than having a conversation with me. At night when he picks up DS from nursery he leaves it as late as poss so when I walk through the door I still have to rush around making DS tea, bathing, putting to bed. He's not lazy just a bad time manager.

We spend no time at the weekend together because all free time is used up studying/doing sport stuff. Even when we go to the park he reads the paper! If we go to his Mums he tries desperately to watch the sport or read the paper. He will sit and watch the TV from say 7-9pm and then go upstairs to start studying and keep going until 12 midnight then wonder why I'm hacked off that he's tired and unaware if our DS has been awake in the night.
Nothing that interests me gets any praise and is usually met with a childish retort so for example just booked a holiday for us and his Mum and her friend (yes I'm mad)....give him the whole plan which has been discussed as we go along...well he wasn't actually listening...having done loads of research and taken everyones needs into consideration and rather than say 'looks great well done dear' he'll say 'looks ok to me' or some other stupid comment about the tiny details....the hills or air conditioning!'

My friends are great but I can't share all this and none of them have kids so they are pretty hopeless when it comes to filling the friendship gap. At weekends I have no one to talk to and well to sum it all up I'm REDICULOUSLY LONELY and feel I'd have a far better time if I moved in a nanny and cleaner to replace his contribution...at least we could share a laugh over a cuppa.

Is this just the way life is when you have kids? Looking at my own parents I can see that they don't seem to demand much of each others time but I want us to spend time together as a family so at the weekend I feel like I've been nurtured in some way. What can I do? In the past I've tried telling him but he looks at me like I'm mad. For the past week I've tried a different approach by repaying his minimal effort with minimal effort so get your own food, functional conversation only and so on. It's been noted but he's not had the courage/interest to say anything.

I adore my DS and don't want him to grow up with a Mum that's fundamentally unhappy. I struggle to know whether DP is unhappy or not. Logic says he is but then maybe everything is exactly as he wants it.

jessicasmummy Tue 01-Feb-05 17:14:48

Have you tried talking? i know its always the same advice, but imo it really works! I bottle a lot of stuff up, and just go ape at DH - he's used to it now of course, but we always manage to talk it through after i get over my hissy fit.... {{{{{hugs}}}}}

grumpy35 Tue 01-Feb-05 17:24:13

I have...quite a few times in the past. I reckon he feels by the end of the conversation that I feel better just because I've got it off my chest.

Also reckon that a lot of what I'm saying is about the quality of life and not just the functionality of it...and he doesn't get that whole thing. If we're all alive and clothed and fed and warm and he's happy then what's the problem!

How do I get through to him that I'm so unhappy and the practical things aren't going to fix the fact that I need more from him?

jessicasmummy Tue 01-Feb-05 17:25:07

i really dont know love.... i really want to help but im at a loss. So sorry xxx

desperatehousewife Tue 01-Feb-05 17:41:11

relationships certainly do seem to change fundamentally when you have a child. We are experiencing a similar thing to you - except slightly the other way round. I'm a stay at home mum - have been for 2.5 yrs - am desperate to get back to work as I am slowly rotting and going a bit loopy being at home. All I seem to do is clean and cook and food shop and try to keep on top of the tidying up. I'm a crap time manager so I'm not keeping on top of it at all - DP is working full time and seems to spend all his time not working, picking up and clearing up where I havne't managed it.

I think sitting down regularly and really talking is the only thing that can work. To keep getting across your point of view, how you are feeling lonely, how you want more support - there has to be a middle ground that you can both reach - but for what it's worth - I'm going to just make sure that me and my dp keep communicating in the hope that we can reach compromises.

Good luck

Gwenick Tue 01-Feb-05 17:42:46

desperatehousewife - do we have the same DH - mine does the same - although admittedly of late he's been much better about it.

crunchie Tue 01-Feb-05 17:53:58

See!!

grumpy35 Tue 01-Feb-05 19:16:33

Thanks everyone.
Going to think about what I can say without it ending in the same no conclusion.

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