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He's destroying my life

(95 Posts)
Joa77 Sat 05-Jul-08 16:44:43

I have been with my partner for around 2 years. He was violent once, after my birthday last year we had both been drinking and he started being quite aggressive when we got home. I recognised the signs and said I was going to bed, he then hit me across the face with the back of his hand. I told him I wanted him to leave but he talked me around, said he wouldn't drink anymore and would go to anger management. I agreed but the months went on and he kept saying he was too busy for the anger management but he did stop drinking.

Last weekend he told me that he thought I spent too much time at karate. I'm currently there 4 times a week, simply because I have a very important grading coming up. I am due to take my black belt in 2 weeks and so obviously need all the training I can get. He knows this. So Saturday night came and he asked if I fancied getting some drinks in, I said no and reminded him that he shouldn't be drinking either. He told me not to tell him what he can and can't do and if I can "Blow" so much time and money on karate he will do the same with alcohol.

I said fair enough but I wouldn't be joining him. So he had one or two drinks before he started on me, saying I was selfish and "fancied" the karate instructor and that was the real reason I trained so much. I told him he was being ridiculous and once I passed the grading I would cut the training down to twice a week so he pushed me into the wall and said "I know you will". I went on to tell him that I would do what I wanted, when I wanted so he said "so will I, and that might include giving you another back hander if you keep on". At this point I swore at him and he spun around and hit me (tried to hit my face but I got out of it) and I then kicked him and he dropped his drink which smashed on the floor so he grabbed me by the hair and said he was going to clean the glass up with my face. I got him off me and ran upstairs (to call the police) and he came in the bedroom and punched me in the side of the face which made me fall over and then he just went mad and carried on hitting and kicking me.

To cut a long story short, the next day I took DD to karate. Told her I couldn't go and to tell instructor. I couldn't turn up full of bruises and was in no fit state to train anyway. I told her to just tell instructor I was ill, nothing else. Needless to say she told him everything. Instructor then came out to the car and asked what had happened, I said it was personal and I would deal with it but he wouldn't let it go. I ended up telling him to mind his own business and leave me alone. Now I feel AWFUL, he has taught me so much and I treated him with such disrespect. He looked quite hurt and just walked away without saying anything which was worse really than if he had given me a mouthful of abuse back.

Another argument with DP on wednesday sealed my decision to give up karate altogether. I didn't let DD go on thursday because I knew istructor would qustion her so instructor phoned me yesterday asking what was going on and was I still intending to grade. I told him I had quit. He went really quiet and said even if I don't grade this time, I could always do it in a few months. I told him karate didn't seem to do me much good in real situations and I would not be returning. I didn't really mean this, I was just upset and angry. Instructor then said I was a fool and hung up on me.

DP is now acting like everything is fine. Meanwhile I am stuck hating him, hating this so called relationship, the man I respect the most in my life now hates me and thinks I'm an idiot and I've just thrown away pretty much everything I have built up in my life over the past few years.

I'm not really looking for advice, I just want to offload. I have nobody to talk to.

escape Sat 05-Jul-08 16:48:05

so, so sorry for you. i have no direct experience of domestic violence, but this is horrible physical abuse and you know that don't you.
he thinks he has got his way by you giving up your hobby. thats one thing, but to have a daughter who is witnessing all of this? inexcusable. leave, leave as soon as possible. if not for you for your DD

VictorianSqualor Sat 05-Jul-08 16:51:18

You must leave him.
It will only escalate.

theinsider Sat 05-Jul-08 16:51:28

Not at all relevant to the awful way your partner has treated you but do you fancy the instructor? It comes across like you do.

You know need to leave this man sad No time for long reply, hope others can help you better. Good luck, you will get through this and there are brighter days ahead.

Beetroot Sat 05-Jul-08 16:51:44

Why are you giving up something yo love for this violent man?

can you explain what the attraction is? Is he dd dad? is it okay for dd to see you like this?

need more infohth

Litterbug Sat 05-Jul-08 16:51:54

I think you have given up the wrong thing

Ditch your DP and carry on with the karate ...

so you can kick his ass if he ever comes near you again!

TeaDr1nker Sat 05-Jul-08 16:52:30

Your instructor will be there for you, i am sure of it.

You know you have to get out of this stituation, as escape says, if not for you then for DD

Eve34 Sat 05-Jul-08 16:54:49

Oh dear, I am sure if you read this back, you will be shouting at the OP to not quit something they have work so hard towards. Only you can decide what to do, but real feel you should stand up for what you believe in. You deserve much better treatment than this.

Joa77 Sat 05-Jul-08 16:54:51

Do not fancy instructor, he is quite a lot older than me but I have been training with him for nearly 6 years and he was training my daughter before that.

I feel stuck, I could leave, I know I should leave. I don't know, I just feel so messed up. I do want to leave.

Sparkletastic Sat 05-Jul-08 16:55:59

What is keeping you with him?

Joa77 Sat 05-Jul-08 16:56:13

But even if I leave him, I have alientated myself from the karate club and that means more to me than being with DP.

VictorianSqualor Sat 05-Jul-08 16:56:48

You don't really have much of a choice do you?
If you continue to live with this man he will continue to be abusive and your daughter will grow up accepting abuse as part of a relationship.
What kind of a choice is that?
I wish I could give you the strength to do it, you really must.

Litterbug Sat 05-Jul-08 16:57:49

You have not alienated yourself from karate club, your instructor seems a very decent person and has already welcomed you to come back in a few months.

I really would start putting steps in place to leave him.

TeaDr1nker Sat 05-Jul-08 16:58:22

No, i don't think you have alenated yourself, your DP had beaten you up the night before!

Get out - or better still get him out, it sounds like your could talk to your instructor and he would listen to you.

Sparkletastic Sat 05-Jul-08 16:58:24

Karate club situation entirely recoverable once you get in contact again. Not sure why that seems to be more important than the issue of the abuse you are suffering though.

VictorianSqualor Sat 05-Jul-08 16:58:43

From experience I can categorically guarantee that once karate club realise that you have split with DP and need support they will be there for you.

Hathled Sat 05-Jul-08 16:58:46

Please, please listen to what people have already said - giving up the karate will just be the very beginning of years of controlling you, making you more vulnerable and domestic abuse. And what about your DD - it's up to you to make sure violence just isn't OK or acceptable. Get out now, while you can, go back to karate and get your self-esteem back before that bastard has destroyed it completely. He clearly has no intention of changing his ways and you've alreday given him one chance.

escape Sat 05-Jul-08 16:58:49

if the instructor is as you have made him sound, he is going to be more concerned about your physical welfare than over any 'embarrassment' caused by leaving the club.
can we just go back to the fact that your Dd is privy and witness to the physical violence your partner has inflicted on you? when is it her turn?

Joa77 Sat 05-Jul-08 16:59:33

I have taken a few steps already, I have money, I just don't know where to go, how to do it etc. I was looking for a rented house but there seems to be none available in our price range and we need to be near DDs school as I work.

greenelizabeth Sat 05-Jul-08 16:59:34

Message withdrawn

Bronze Sat 05-Jul-08 17:01:19

As others have said leave

you have NOT alienated yourself from the club at all. The only thing you would have to do was apologise for being rude and I am convinced your nstructor would say no more about it.

VictorianSqualor Sat 05-Jul-08 17:01:28

Why must you go? Why can't he?
Is it a rented or bought house?

TeaDr1nker Sat 05-Jul-08 17:02:59

Womans aid, 24 hour no. - 0808 2000 247

greenelizabeth Sat 05-Jul-08 17:04:25

Message withdrawn

beingpositive Sat 05-Jul-08 17:04:26

Report this to the police. Get statements etc. Tell him to leave. Your not being treated with the respect you deserve. Get rid of this man for both your daughters sake and yours

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