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Not sure I still want to be with dp :(

(25 Posts)
sickofitandsad Tue 01-Jul-08 19:17:16

I do still love him but just don't know how much more fight I have left in me to invest in our relationship.
We have always had problems but managed to stay together but I just don't know if I can or want to anymore. He has always been quite selfish and as horrid as it may sound a bit emotional stunted. It is always about him, how stressed he is, how tired he is etc etc. He can be quite slefish but with a kick in the bum can get over it for a while but he keeps going back to his old ways. He is away from home a lot and the more it happens the more I realise how much tenson he brings to the house when he is home. I actually realised the other week that I never realised how down it all made me until he wasn't here as much and I actually felt relaxed for the first time in ages.

I know he loves me and the dc's I just don't think he cares much about us really.
He doesn't deal with stress very well so when he gets stressed he basically heaps it all onto me so I am stressed out. He is so negative about everything and that in itself is very wearing at times because I am not and I feel he is so used to living in misery he actually enjoys it now.

Oh god I don't know my head is all over the place right now, there is no one thing that I could say it is that makes me feel this way I just know I am having serious doubts about our future.

I am so scared of leaving but I am also so scared of looking back inn 20 yeasr and feeling I have wasted it. I have no-one else objective I can talk to about this and I can't talk to him because well I have more joy having a decent conversation with 5 year old dd she is less likely to strop and tantrum.

smallwhitecat Tue 01-Jul-08 19:26:01

Message withdrawn

posieflump Tue 01-Jul-08 19:30:37

what are his positives though?
what was the reason you fell for him?
how is he with the dcs?

clumsymum Tue 01-Jul-08 19:33:23

I can understand this. I too have a dh who is a pessimist, prone to depression, and tempremental with ds alot of the time.

You spend a lot of your time walking on eggshells, trying to keep things level, actually feeling more relaxed when he's away. I know it.

BUT you have said " with a kick in the bum can get over it for a while", and that is a good sign.

Does your dh have any idea how you feel? I know you say you can't talk to him, but I think you need to let him know that you are very down about the way life is in the family.

Can you write to him, maybe put a letter in his packing when he is away so he can read it and measure a response.

Or get some time away without the kids. Prepare him, tell him you want to take the opportunity to have a calm ADULT talk with him, maybe even have the conversation in a restaurant, if he's less likely to explode in a public place.

I'd be very reluctant to seperate my child from his father, altho sometimes I wonder whether he'd be better off without seeing the temprament.

sickofitandsad Tue 01-Jul-08 21:20:47

In all honesty the reasons I fell for him are rarely and I mean rarely visible. He says I am the one that has changed. Of course I have I am bogged down with the day to day running of a house, children etc. I am not the same free up for anything childless young girl I was then but he canot seem to see that change is ok. I am by no means lost completely but I feel as if I am when he is here.

He does know I am and have been unhappy but when I try and discuss how I am feeling he either tries to turn around and blame it on me, play a tit for tat game or walks away when he hears something he doesn't want to hear. He isn't great at taking responsibility for his own actions, all his faults he blames on his parents says it is in his DNA he can't cahnge them but FFS he is in his 30's and if he doesn't ant to be the father and partner his own dad was he is the only one that can change it.

As a father he is actually better the less he is here if I am honest because he takes the dc's a bit less for granted. When he is around for a bit the novelty wears off and he pays them less attention is less tolerant and interested.

I do think he is depressed, I think he has been for years and he has made umpteen promises to do something about it, I have even told him that one of the last times we discussed this and he never did anything about it I shoul have left then.

I have tried letters, emails, telling him I wasnt an Adult caht but he always dissolves into a spoilt spiteful adolescent and blaming everyone else but himself. That is the thing that always makes me most annoyed is the fact that he tries to blame everyone but himself.
We had an issue with money recently he had a go at me for something dragged it up eveytime we argued I got annoyed as we had discussed it etc. then last week he did the vry same thing he blamed me for then got pissed off when I confonted him with it.

I honestly think as far as his relationship with the children go him being away regularly though because he took them so much for granted, he takes me so much for granted.

MrsMacaroon Wed 02-Jul-08 00:53:02

I think after all you've tried you need to be thinking about what **you can do to make your life better rather than focussing on making him change... it sounds like you have become trapped in a classic co-dependent situation.

Often in this situation you're forced into mummy/son type dynamics and until you resign from this, it will go on and on in a vicious cycle.

I would arrange for some counselling with the intention of self awareness, self improvement and confidence building. Invite him along and be prepared for his refusal. Accept this but make it clear that you have had enough of the relationship as it stands and will be making changes to your own life and would like to move forward with him but it's up to him to figure his own shit out. Mean it, don't debate it and do it (for yourself)- that is the key.

MrsMacaroon Wed 02-Jul-08 00:53:51

ignore the excessive *s!

MrsMacaroon Wed 02-Jul-08 00:55:38

Also, keep the counselling invitation open if he refuses and back off from confrontations.

madamez Wed 02-Jul-08 01:03:33

Agree with MrsMac - always remember, you can't change another person's behaviour, you can only change the way you respond to it. Sometimes, with whinyarses like him, the best way to deal with it is to treat him like a stroppy toddler and use a mix of jollification, distraction and ignoring him (though this does have a side-effect of putting you right off sex with the person).
The trouble with selfish men like your DP is they see no reason to change. They get fed, housed, picked up after and sex occasionally - and they can always tune out the 'nagging' because that's what 'women' do and they will always shut up in the end.

fedupandisolated Wed 02-Jul-08 06:44:30

This man sounds just like my DH and I can truly sympathise. I have just walked away but am being pressured to give it another go which I am tempted to do for DS.
What struck the biggest cord for me was how much tension he brings when he is there.
Feel for you.

nik76 Wed 02-Jul-08 06:45:48

Totally agree with madamez. If someone doesn't HEAR what your saying change the way you say it - you have to get him to understand just how bad things have now become. He can't be happy either, this can't be the way he wanted his home life to be, so I would start there - what does he want and how does he want to make it happen. This way you should get what you want too or find out that yuo want totally different things.

sickofitandsad Wed 02-Jul-08 07:35:19

The thing is nik76, I don't believe anything will make him happy ever not really. Whatever he has is never enough for him he is always wanting more. He see there are people better off -not jus financially but in every way thatn him- and desn't see why he shouldn't have it either. He can never ever see that there are people out there worse off than him far far worse off.

In turth more so recently I have been changing my behaviour and how I deal with this and I think that is where a ot of confrontation from him has been coming from. I am less accepting and less able to tolerate all this.

We had a "discussion" last night about this there are a few things going on with his job that are stressing him out and they are stressing me a bit too and with the extra pressure of him heaping it on me. He accused me of not trying to be there enough from him god if you knew everything I had been doing to try and help him hmm anyway I said what about him being there for me too but he says he can't be becuase he is not here, ok then how can he expect it from me I am obviously the same distance away from him as he is from me.
I apparently have my friends and some family to support me. He just cannot see that it is not their responsibility to support me in times of need I should be able to turn to him.

Madamez when he starts moaning today I will just say over and over in my head whinyarse, whinyarse, whinyarse. grin

madamez Wed 02-Jul-08 13:02:02

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. I think you might be best advised to negotiate an amicable split, at least as amicable as possible, because it can't be good for the DC to live with someone who is a black hole of negativity. It's always a really bad thing when the whole household and family life have to revolve around one whinyarse's moods ('Shh, don't laugh, Daddy's sad,' 'Don't cry, it upsets daddy' 'we can't do that, Daddy's stressed yet again').

You might give it one last shot by telling him that he is harming his DC by his constant whining and selfishness - he is blighting their childhoods and giving them awful ideas of what life should be like. If that doesn't work then nothing will and it's time to shed the burden of this selfish arsehole as much as possible.

sickofitandsad Wed 02-Jul-08 15:46:16

I have to say I would have booted him out a long time ago if I ever ever said any one of those things to the children or if it had even crossed my mind to. He would never ever be allowed to let his mood to affect them to that extent.

I have tried and tried telling him what he is doing, I have even asked him to compare his childhood to the one he is giving our cildren he is turning into his father and he hates his dad and his dc's are going to feel the same way about him one day unless he changes. He just says that is the only father he knew and he doesn't know how to do it differently which part of is true yes but he can do it differently because he knows there is a problem.

I am just so scared of it all though, I feel physical pain when I think of my children not living with their father and it is so hard to know if it is time to call it a day or not. Like I said I can not pin one thing down and say that is why. He is a good provider, he doean't hit me or cheat on me he is none of the things that could make it so cut and dry for me.

nik76 Thu 03-Jul-08 07:34:59

The little voice in your head needs listening too - you can't let it say negitive things whilst he's speaking/looking at him as it WILL make things worse. It will gradually start creeping into your outloud voice, if not in words then tone and face expressions. You will simlply become what he has already said yuo are - unsupportive, you will be a nagging wife who doesn't understand him.
And all of this will hurt your baby cause when two parents act like they don't love each other they can see that.

You both need to decide if there is enough love (or fight!!) left to make things work - if one of you won't accept that there is anything wonrg then it won't. NOthing is ever one sided, I'm not saying I believe you are doing anything wrong however your partner does and that's whats needs to change.

My hubby found out just before my due date that he was being made redundant and this had effected him greatly and the relationship he has been able to ahve with me and the baby. It is only this week that I ahve began to understand it was that and not me/another woman/ not wanting to be with us that was the probem - in fact he says at one point in labour I said please don't leave me!!!! I was so (rightly grin) caught up in my first baby that I underestimated what he was going through - you said he had problems with his job could it be similar???

sickofitandsad Thu 03-Jul-08 08:03:32

Nik176 I can totally see what you are saying and I would agree with you about the work problems if
1. they were actually drastic enough to justify his end of the world behaviour

2. He didn't act the same way if clipping his toe nails goes wrong.

I spoke to him the the other night and did ask him how he could live with his glass half empty attitude, it is seriously bad if there is an absolutely worst case scenario that involves losing limbs believe me he can always find a worse one. He said because that way he is never dissapointed, which to a point I can understand I have been a bit like this myself at times but I just could ot live with sich misery and negativity going around in my head all the time.

The other night when he heard things he didn't like he walked away again, told him that he couldn't do that forever. He said he doesn't wantto fall out that is why he does it. I said that him walking away all the time is why nothing gets resolved we seem to go round in circles all the time and end up back where we started having the same arguments all the time because they never reach a conclusion nothing is ever sorted.

nik76 Thu 03-Jul-08 20:42:50

He obviously has a little voice of his own that is saying things and that is why he walks away. Has he always been so dramatic?

Get him this book - 'Don't sweat the small stuff' - title speaks for itself wink

Like I say if he won't admit theres a problem it can;t be dealt with - is there anyone that could speak to him and get him to see how much its hurting you?

suddendilema Thu 03-Jul-08 21:02:05

really feel for you sad i am in a very similar situation myself, and am finding it very difficult not to burst into tears every five minutes. I hope you can get thru this, and find something positive in your relationship, however, if, like me, you feel that you might be better off alone, perhaps a trial seperation might be an idea? it is very difficult to know what to do, as there are so many people you mind me asking, do you still have ANY spark? If so it might be worth fighting for?

sickofitandsad Thu 03-Jul-08 21:30:00

nuk76 yep he has always been like this which is exactly why I feel I am running out of fight. I feel we are going around in circles all the time and I am sick of it. There are a million and 1 things that are all lumped together that have really got me this way.

suddendilema, yes I suppose there is some spark there, it just feels like there is more damp hiss that spark now.

nik76 Sat 05-Jul-08 05:39:46

If he has always been like this why is it such a problem now? How long have you been together?

sickofitandsad Sat 05-Jul-08 08:14:50

We have been togethr for 6/7 years there abouts. Like I said it feels like a million different things lumped together.

It has always been a problem and I have always found it really difficult to deal with. I suppose now I realise that him walking away is why nothing ever gets resolved and why we end up back in the same place all the time. I also think that with him being away more now I have realised just how much tension his behaviour brings to the house. I am not saying I am blameless but I know he is a big player in this.

I suppose for all this time I have figured there was something saveable in our relationship, I never could admit how bad it has been at times and admit the failure and defeat but with him working between here and somewhere else I have found a bit of strength to face up to it.

nik76 Sun 06-Jul-08 08:40:13

Only you can decide if there is a future - you just need to ensure that you haven't fallen into an parent/child relationship. He acts like a child you respond as a parent, which makes him feel more like a child and act more like a child and so on.

Unless it is beyond repair - altering how you repond to him could make a massive difference in the way he replies. If you've always found it problem how can he be expected to suddenly change now?

Going to relate or another service on your own will help either way.

sickofitandsad Thu 17-Jul-08 08:45:35

Sorry not had the chance to come back to this before now.

I am not expecting him to suddenly change now I have always told him this was a problem I suppose now I have just realised how miserable it was making me because when he is not here I don't have to deal with it day in day out and all I feel is relief.

The thing is when I do alter how I react to it I get told I am uncaring and unsupportive. Last night for instance he was having another crisis at work and I reacted differently to the way I did the other week with the same crisis and he got arsey telling me I wasn't being supportive. I asked him when I ever did get it right, how do I win? He complained that I hadn't listened, given him advice, and told him it would be ok. Erm no that is what I did a fortnight ago and was told then I wasn't being suportive enough so last night I said that whatever he decided would be fine by me and that isn't good enough either.

He is due home today or tomorrow and as much as I am trying not to dread it I do. I know it won't tkae long for him to bring the whole house down again, complain about something, whatever.
On this work trip I have not had as much opertunity to talk to him as I usually do and I alwasy thought I would hate it but I haven't I have just got on with it.

The thing is having the children clouds my judgment a lot, I worry about them if we split up and I am not sure if they are the reason that I am still here or not.

I own nothing, he owns the house he had it before we met, I have nothing and nowhere to go even if I do decide to call it a day.

ChiefFairyCakeMaker Thu 17-Jul-08 13:55:12

Just seen your thread and I really feel for you as your DP sounds just like mine. It's really draining being around someone who is so selfish and negative isn't it? We went through a really bad patch for about 3 years after the DCs were born when he was really stressed at work and we were both stressed out and exhausted being parents of babies/toddlers. Looking back I think he was really depressed but I just thought he was miserable. Now the children are both at school and DH has managed to go part-time at work he's so much happier and easier to live with, and our relationship has improved as a result (we still have our ups and downs, but compared to how things were we get on much better). How old are your DCs? Is there anyway he could change jobs to reduce his stress levels? Is there any light at the end of the tunnel?!

sickofitandsad Thu 17-Jul-08 14:54:54

Hehe sorry shouldn't laugh but you said something that made me think of something that had never occured to me before....this job IS the new job to reduce his stress levels. Irony or what??

In actual fact he is much happier generally in this job than he was before but like I said I think he will never allow himself to be happy or content with what he has. He has been going on about leaving this job etc. and I keep saying to him that fine I will support him in whatever he decides but I have also said that he does this every time something gets hard he walks away. He does it when we argue or with any pbstacle he meets he just walks away.

I honestly don't know if there is light at the end of the tunnel. I DO KNOW I don't hate him and in a way I know I still love him but I am struggling to see how much as all these feelings have clouded my judgment a bit.
I never knew actually how unhappy I really was with the way things were until he wan't here al the time and I realised how much more relaxed I am.

I am soooo confused right now I just don't know what to do for the best.

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