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I know this has all been discussed before but I really need some help

(45 Posts)
mystery Mon 31-Jan-05 10:33:44

I do post a bit on here but have decided to change my name for this one, not sure why but feeling really low and insecure at the moment.

I know there are tons of threads around at the moment regarding breakups/problems within a relationship but just really felt the need to get some advice on my situation.

DP told me last night that he is pretty sure he wants to end our relationship. We have been together nearly 10 years and have 2 DS aged 7 and 3. Of course I am gutted, but it is not totally out of the blue if I am honest and we tend to have a blow-up like this every 6 months or so. The last few times he has intimated he is not sure he wants to stay with us, but I have managed to pursuade him that we can make it work.

The thought of bringing our 2 small children up by myself is just horrifying, and I am crying as I write this. I know I will cope, I will have to, but I feel so much sorrow especially for the 7 yo as he will know exactly what is going on.

If we do split it will mean we will have to sell the home we are in, and there is no way I am staying in this area as I have no family support whatsover - a few good friends but they of course have lives of their own to lead. It will mean a move away (1.5 hours) so that I can be near my family.

DP is not fantastic with the children if I am honest, and over the last year or so his patience with them has deteriorated quite a bit. He does do things with them, but mostly at my instigation, and quickly gets cross with them if they mess around or are just being 'children'. I know he begrudges the fact he can't go out 3 times a week and do 'his' things, in fact he has been saying recently he should never have had children, as much as he loves them (and I know he does).

He says that breaking up will 'crucify' them - and I have to wonder how he can actually go through with this, bearing in mind he won't see them every week probably, if we move away. I don't think that our relationship is THAT bad, I really don't, especially when talking to friends and comparing things - I really honestly feel we are normal whatever that means. We do row occasionally, but mostly things tick along. No massive highs, but no massive lows either, apart from at the moment.

Money is a major factor at the moment as we are totally broke, and I know that as he works quite long hours, he feels he should be able to afford things when he wants them, and at the moment we just can't. I did work from home for a while but that stopped last year so we have lost my salary. He does worry a lot about money but won't talk about it, and he doesn't seem to want to sort it out. I feel that this breaking up thing is a way out of the worry for him.

Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading it and I guess I just need some guidance about what to do now.

mystery Mon 31-Jan-05 10:41:49

please.... anyone

nailpolish Mon 31-Jan-05 10:41:59


how old are you r children?

i have 2 dd's age 2.4 and 4 mths and my dh found it hard to cope with 2 v young children.

we dont have much support nearby and we therefore just have each other.

my dh said the same, he never has time to do his things. we have made arrangements for my mum to come down and stay in our house ever 6-12 wks and we go and stay in her house, therefore getting time to ourselves.

its helped a bit, and we are better now.

its very very hard.

a loss if identity is difficult, can you get some outside help?

mystery Mon 31-Jan-05 10:44:50

They are 7 and 3 so not very young.
We did have some counselling when the DS1 was 2 and that helped a lot. DP won't go again tho' as he thinks we are now 'trying to hard' and that it shouldn't be this much hard work.

I think the problem is we don't share the same interests anymore - his idea of getting more time is to play 'games' with the lads

nailpolish Mon 31-Jan-05 10:48:55

my dh is a bit different - he is a bit of a loner/independent type and likes spending time on his own.

could your dh not get involved i something regular like 5 a side football with his mates or something every sunday morning?

if its regular then it might be more easy to arrange. spontanious things with your mates just dont seem to happen when you have kids, motivation is difficult too when you are feeling low.

sorry im not very good at this

noddyholder Mon 31-Jan-05 10:51:00

how old is he?If he does join a team sport with other men he may see that their lives are the same especially if they are his age with kids Could you get away for a weekend to try and rediscover things Do you still love/fancy him?

Mothernature Mon 31-Jan-05 10:51:48

He sounds selfish to me at the moment, wants to go out and have his freedom, well having a family causes problems be it money or stress that comes as a package, can you work from home again to help the money situation? if money is the only worry he has that's no excuse to break up a family, things can be worked out, he needs a shake like most men at some time, he's being selfish you need to sit down and working things out, there might be something else to it besides money. I hope everything works out {{hugs}}

mystery Mon 31-Jan-05 10:52:07

thanks, you are doing fine!

He does go out every Monday night to play role-playing games with the lads, and he has just told me he will be going out every weds night now as well, for another role-playing evening. I just don't get his interest in these games, never have done and thats part of the problem. He thinks we should have things in common.

He just seems to be doing more and more away from the family,

nailpolish Mon 31-Jan-05 10:54:03

what about doing sports etc with the children? do they take any interest in the roleplaying? maybe he could involve them

do you have any interests? maybe if you did you wouldnt feel so sad about dh having interests away from the family.

vict17 Mon 31-Jan-05 10:54:22

Sorry to hear you're having problems. We have a 10 month ds and my dh always moans about the lack of time he has to do his things. he has a lot of hobbies, most don't involve going out eg things on the computer/reading comics etc but he's found it really difficult coping with the fact that when he gest home from work I want him to take ds off my hands rather than shut himself away in his study for an hour of alone time!! He is an only child and i think a lot of it stems from the fact that he played on his own a lot as a child whereas I had 3 siblings so am not used to being on my own so much. Not sure this is of much use but just sayig really that it seems to take many people a lot of time to adjust to family life. dh is also reluctant to have any more children because of giving up more of his time whereas i would really like another (but with his full support iyswim)

mystery Mon 31-Jan-05 10:54:32

don't know if I fancy him That's another part of the problem - we dont have sex very often and that really p*ses him off.

He is very selfish, thinks that he has less time to do his thing than any of his friends who have families.

I just feel I'm fighting all the time to make things work - I know I'm not perfect, but I try my best. I'm just so tired of it all

vict17 Mon 31-Jan-05 10:55:58

omg crossed posts - my dh also does roleplaying and i dont get it either. He runs his own game so is out one night a week doing that but it's the rest of the time when he has to write the game which is so time consuming. He also does one-off games when he goes out all day usually at the w/end which i find really hard

mystery Mon 31-Jan-05 10:59:25

vict17 that is weird.

If DP is not out roleplaying, he sits on the computer every night playing games. I feel sometimes I am living with a teenager

We've tried all the 'lets spend the evening doing things together' and that works for a while, then fades away. I do have my own interests, run a small business from home but not making much money at the moment.

We seem to be on different planets sometimes, but we have 2 children so surely we owe it to them to MAKE it work?

nailpolish Mon 31-Jan-05 11:00:44

you probaby dont fancy him because you dont do things together, its a vicious circle. do you have someone nearby who babysits?

what did you used to do when you first met?

lou33 Mon 31-Jan-05 11:02:47

am really sorry to hear this mystery, our situations sound v similar


mystery Mon 31-Jan-05 11:03:21

nailpolish - yes you are probably right. We can get a babysitter at odd times, we do go out with friends occasionally and have a good time, but not very often on our own.

Gosh, what did we used to do? I'm trying to remember, talk a lot, spend evenings in together cuddling on the sofa, that sort of thing. Things we don't do now

I think it's too late to start suggesting to him we go back to basics - I don't think he wants to try anymore.

mystery Mon 31-Jan-05 11:04:36

lou - yes, I really feel for you. I just feel sick, I'm sure you feel the same.

Gosh, lots of 'feelings' there....

big hugs to you, hope you get to talk to him soon xx

lou33 Mon 31-Jan-05 11:14:55

likewise mystery xx

nailpolish Mon 31-Jan-05 11:17:41

me and dh have nothing solid in common either.

i had to search and search for things to do that we both enjoyed - and didnt cost loads of money, or entailed a babysitter.

cooking. i nearly died when dh told me enjoyed cooking but doesnt get the time to do it properly. so we bought loads of spices and a curry cookbook and now we can spend all night making a curry, then we have a dinner just the 2 of us at the table, telly off.

comedy. we have the same sense of humour, so we go to a comedy club or to see a stand up comedian (usually only twice a year or something!) otherwise we rent dvds. there is nothing more than seeing your man smile and laugh to make you fancy him again.

go out and get pissed. sit beside him in the pub, hold his hand etc.

sit beside him while watching telly in the house. me and my dh had got into the habit of sitting on seperate couches, now i make the effort to sit beside him. (he wont sit beside me, has his 'seat' that he wont budge from)


dont know what to do about the money, financial probs are hard

mystery Mon 31-Jan-05 11:47:27

We haven't really spoken 'honestly' for a long time.... in fact he told me he thought he wanted to leave during a row last night, then promptly went out to a roleplaying night... says it all really.

I don't want to sound negative - all these ideas are really good. I just know that if, when we hopefully talk properly later tonight, I start saying 'we could try this, this and this' to make it work, he will come back with 'but there are only so many times you can keep trying'.

I don't know what he thinks a proper relationship should be like. IME it's damn hard work and you have to keep re-inventing things to keep it going.

Do I just give in and let him have his way?

nailpolish Mon 31-Jan-05 11:56:19

i TOTALLY understand what you are saying.

if you just cant see how to fix the situation, then maybe let him have his own way and he will come round eventually. if it makes him happy then you will be happy too, but if thats the case and he gets to do his thing whenever he wants then you have to have a thing too and do that when you want to as well.

what would he say to you going out once a week or so

vict17 Mon 31-Jan-05 12:19:42

Mystery - where do you live? Perhaps are dh's know each other? My dh is quite good in that he doesn't mind me going out so I go out once a week to the pub for a meal and drinks with some work friends. Our main problem is we don't have family close by so don't get to go out together

mystery Mon 31-Jan-05 12:26:36

vict - cambridgeshire. Be weird if they did know each other

Thing is I do go out - like you, with other people though as babysitters are few and far between. I have my friends, who we also go out with as couples so not exclusive to me, but 2 best-friends that I regularly see so it's not a case of not having lives.... just separate lives I suppose, and that seems to be the problem.

I'm sure if I was into roleplaying, computers (which I am but for work not games) and fishing (oh yes, another of his hobbies that he moans he never gets enough of - yet he goes once every week, usually a weekend).

Part of me really wants to say to him - 'go on, bugger off. Live on your own and see how happy that makes you' in the hope he will realise just how much we mean to him, and miss us.

Part of me is really really frightened though, with visions of me living on my own with the children, having to uproot them to new schools/area etc, and being lonely

Gosh so sorry, I really am depressed.

mystery Mon 31-Jan-05 12:27:36

sorry, should have continued

'I'm sure if I was into roleplaying, computers (which I am but for work not games) and fishing (oh yes, another of his hobbies that he moans he never gets enough of - yet he goes once every week, usually a weekend) *we would have no problems*

nomore Mon 31-Jan-05 12:45:48

why is it that "spending time together" or "sharing interests" always means the mans interests? Surely its a two way street.

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