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Ok - honestly, should I go???

(41 Posts)
essbee Sun 30-Jan-05 22:01:18

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vict17 Sun 30-Jan-05 22:03:51

I think I would only go if I was going with my children - be there for their sakes.

essbee Sun 30-Jan-05 22:05:05

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lou33 Sun 30-Jan-05 22:05:35

tricky one essbee. I know when my mum died had anyone turned up that had been asked not to attend i would have probably had red mist descend, and saying my goodbyes would have been forever marred. This was a possibility at her funeral as well, although it didn't turn out that way.

however you have to consider whether your ex actually means it or not. Can you try and talk to him again and ask if you can come?

lou33 Sun 30-Jan-05 22:06:48

didn't take my kids, they were 7,2 and 10 weeks. We sent them for a picnic in Hyde Park, my mum would have preferred them having fun rather than watching lots of people getting v upset.

vict17 Sun 30-Jan-05 22:07:35

are the kids your ex's? Does he want them there?

essbee Sun 30-Jan-05 22:08:43

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Moomina Sun 30-Jan-05 22:09:22

I was going to say the same as lou. Does he really not want you to come or is there a chance that he is just saying that? Because if you think he's serious about you not going then I would say definitely don't go. Maybe you need to speak to him again - is that a possibility?

As for the kids, imo, too young for a funeral (especially if there is a chance things might be difficult with you and xh).

essbee Sun 30-Jan-05 22:09:36

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lou33 Sun 30-Jan-05 22:10:02

i wouldn't let them go personally.

essbee Sun 30-Jan-05 22:10:18

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lou33 Sun 30-Jan-05 22:11:46

good luck

essbee Sun 30-Jan-05 22:13:22

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lou33 Sun 30-Jan-05 22:13:50

oh dear, what happened?

Caligula Sun 30-Jan-05 22:14:13

I wouldn't go and wouldn't let the kids go without me either - I think a funeral without their mother for kids that age is just a bit too tough for them (unless your elder one specifically wants to go and feels s/he can cope with just your Mum and Dad there. I'd send a sympathy card though, and just make sure that your side of the family understand that you're not going out of any disrespect to her, but out of respect for your xp's wishes.

Caligula Sun 30-Jan-05 22:15:10

Oops sorry, posts crossed

BadHair Sun 30-Jan-05 22:15:45

Your eldest child would probably be OK to go, and it will probably help him come to terms with losing grandma. Saying goodbye is distressing but its a part of the grieving process. My grandma died when I was 8 and I wasn't allowed to go to her funeral. I had to go to school as normal though I knew what day it was. Although I knew what death was and understood that she'd died, it took me years to come to terms with it and I honestly believe that it was because I didn't get to say goodbye in the same way that everyone else did.

If you want to pay your own respects, could you perhaps go later than the rest of the family and sit discreetly towards the back, then leave straight away? Obviously this would be difficult if your ds does go, though.

Blu Sun 30-Jan-05 22:18:02

Are you ok essbee?

lou33 Sun 30-Jan-05 22:23:37

just spoke to her, she has gone to bed, the conversation didn't go too well, and she is feeling tearful. I think she is going to stay away from the funeral. She asked me to update you.

essbee Mon 31-Jan-05 03:31:52

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weightwatchingwaterwitch Mon 31-Jan-05 06:45:43

I too think you should respect his wishes on this one essbee and I wouldn't let the children go either, I think they're too young. I hope you're feeling better this morning.

wobblystarryknicks Mon 31-Jan-05 07:50:28

Have just seen this, really sorry essbee. If arsey is going to be like that though, probably best for you that you're not going.

Moomina Mon 31-Jan-05 07:54:39

Sorry he was so nasty, essbee. It does sound as if you're better off out of it, though. If you still feel you want to pay your respects, is there any point in perhaps sending flowers or something?

essbee Mon 31-Jan-05 16:36:46

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LIZS Mon 31-Jan-05 16:53:02

Sorry he is being so difficult and upsetting you. If he is so hostile to the ideas of you sending flowers could you make a donation to a cancer charity instead in her memory. But if you still wanted to send something direct to his father then that is up to you, and he shouldn't prevent you. I think you are right that the kids are too young and if he won't accept responsibility for them they certainly don't need to go - they would need his support rather than to see him in a mess.

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