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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I love him but don't like his monthly alcohol/cocaine binges

40 replies

Joscie · 27/06/2008 22:29

Although I love my husband there is some part of his behaviour I despise. Every now and then he goes out on a drinking/coke binge. It seems to hit him and he just leaves the house not to come back till 6 am the next morning, then he spends all day in bed with an emotional hangover. The urge is so strong there is no stopping him. We have been together for 10 years and now have a 2 year old and 3 month old. We've had so many conversations about this, but it is not changing. He has done it twice since baby was born. Sometimes he agrees it should stop but most of the time he says he has done nothing wrong - he only does it occasionally. I thing he has an addiction even though he sometimes doesn't use for weeks/months. Any opinions?

OP posts:

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littlelapin · 27/06/2008 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notnowbernard · 27/06/2008 22:42

Does he think he has a problem?

What are the consequences of his using for him? And for you?

maidamess · 27/06/2008 22:47

I think he needs to grow up, and sounds selfish in the extreme.

In situations like these I always imagine what he would do if the baby was choking or something and needed to get to A&E, and he's laid up on the sofa after a binge.

Judgey I know, but its never the Mum behaving like this!!

MrsMacaroon · 27/06/2008 22:55

yeah- what would he say if you did it... ?

getmeouttahere · 27/06/2008 22:58

Who does he think he is ?

Pete fecking Doherty ?

Joscie · 27/06/2008 23:06

Sometimes he agrees he has a problem - after a 'bad' night. Asks for my help and doesn't touch it for quite a while. Then it slowly starts again innocently...This pattern has been going on for years now.

And yes, because he drinks etc. I don;t. Someone has to be fit at all times to look after the kiddies!

OP posts:

OsmosisBanana · 27/06/2008 23:06

It is occasionally the mum acting like this.

notnowbernard · 27/06/2008 23:08

I think he has a problem

What would he be prepared to do about it though? What does he want when he asks for your 'help'?

expatinscotland · 27/06/2008 23:08

He can't stop once he gets going. Therefore, it is a problem because he is an addict and it's affecting his relationship.

notnowbernard · 27/06/2008 23:09

It is very naive to think that Mothers never get out of it, you know

Addiction and substance misuse is not an exclusively male pursuit

OsmosisBanana · 27/06/2008 23:13

I think 6am is pretty restrained for someone you are calling an 'addict'.... An addict high on cocaine wouldn't come home for days surely.

Not saying it's right or owt - 3 month old baby?!?! Totally out of order.

Wisteria · 27/06/2008 23:14

So, he's been out and got bladdered/ wasted twice in 3 months, obviously it's a problem because you're not happy but if he's a good partner and father for the rest of the time, is it not worth putting up with? If you wanted to go out with your friends once every 6 weeks, would he be straight and sober while he was in charge and could you trust him to be so?

If he would, then I would just let him get on with it personally - if it was every week etc then it would be awful but don't we all deserve a little downtime (this includes you btw )

Joscie · 27/06/2008 23:15

I think he has to grow up too. He's 40. But the fact that he can't completely stop it worries me. I worry that he'll end up in hospital one night and that will leave me with two kids on my own.

OP posts:

maidamess · 27/06/2008 23:15

I am aware of course that drug/alcohol misuse is a cross gender problem...but in most cases on threads I have read, its the Mum saying her dh has been out on the lash and is lying down on the sofa for the weekend while she gets on with it.

Wisteria · 27/06/2008 23:15

maybe he doesn't want to completely stop it.............

notnowbernard · 27/06/2008 23:16

I guess this is a predominantly female site...

Joscie · 27/06/2008 23:20

I don't care about him getting drunk. We all need a release of some sort. It's the cocaine that worries me. On bad nights he has gambled money away and that sort of thing - once he emptied my current account. He also went on a binge 3 days after my due date with my first baby. I gave birth 8 days late. I still can't forgive him for that. And yes he is a good father and a good man therefore it upsets me even more!

OP posts:

harpomarx · 27/06/2008 23:22

Is it regularly just once a month Joscie, or is it sometimes more frequent? Does he tell you what he's going to do or does he just disappear?

I lived with a coke/crack addict for many years and tbh I think I could handle the odd, predictable binge (so long as it wasn't fucking up the rest of his/my life). But I never had that, it was always predictably unpredictable, disruptive and excessive (as Osmosis says, 6am is pretty restrained, ex would disappear for days).

Wisteria · 27/06/2008 23:22

And it all depends what you mean by a binge I guess - I know loads of men and women (not me personally) who go out once a month/ every 2 months and drink far, far too much, occasionally have a line or two of coke and it really doesn't seem to be a huge problem for them or their partners - obviously if they come home it is because they talk nonsense until they finally go to bed but given it's twice in 3 months, I hardly think he can be termed an addict!

harpomarx · 27/06/2008 23:23

just read your last post, Joscie.

That sounds a lot more familiar. And not good.

Wisteria · 27/06/2008 23:24

sorry x-posts - if he is out of control when he's out then of course it's a problem.

Going out when you were expecting is unforgivable, I wouldn't have got over that one......

notnowbernard · 27/06/2008 23:28

Oo-er

That sounds pretty grim

And pretty out-of-control and addict-like

What do you want to happen?

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Joscie · 27/06/2008 23:31

When he get's an urge I can often see the change in him before he realises it himself. When he than tells me he is going out for a beer for a couple of hours it doesn't surprise me he doesn't come home till the next morning. (without letting me know)

OP posts:

Joscie · 27/06/2008 23:33

What do I want to happen?? I want him to stop the cocaine for good!!! I hate the unpredictability. And now it is not just me, it might affect the children in future. What do I say to them?

OP posts:

Wisteria · 27/06/2008 23:34

and that, in itself is completely unreasonable when you are a couple with children.

If he said to you - "right on Saturday night I would like to go out and party until Sunday morning" and you agreed it before he went, would it be ok?
Maybe he does this because he knows it will be an issue (cowardly but not that abnormal) but if it were arranged and discussed beforehand, would that make a difference to how you feel?

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