DP is miserable with humdrum home life

[ladygarden]

DP has just marched out in a sulk. I don't know where he's gone. All day he has not had a positive thing to say about anything. The way he looks at me is more sad despair rather than affection. He moans about everything. All week he can't wait for the weekend, but than when it comes just doesn't seem to know what to do with himself.

I know he misses our pre DD life of going out all the time. I try to explain that things don't have to stop, they just have to change and we have to adapt but it all seems too much for him. DD wasn't planned and whilst he loves her very much he can't accept that he's not a young bachelor boy anymore. We moved from London when DD was born and live fairly near my parents and he complains about a lack of social life and things to do.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to be with someone who seems so unhappy being with me. I feel so frumpy and undesirable but being a mum just doesn't leave me with the energy to deal with all his complaints...

[Caligula]

Grrrr.

Not feeling very inspired tonight LG, so can't offer much in the way of advice, just sympathy.

Why do men have an opt out on being adults?

I spose trying to be constructive, you need to find some time alone where you can sit down (without the baby) and discuss what you both want out of your life together as a family. On the basis that you are both equally responsible for making this family happy.

[expatinscotland]

AMEN, Sobernow! Gimme a break. I used to party nonstop - drink like a fish and smoke a pack+/day. Then I found out I was pregnant. It was just time to shape up. It wasn't planned? Well, if he didn't want kids he should have had a vasectomy or not had sex at all. Waaa. My husband is nearly 7 years younger than I am - he was 25 when our daughter was born. He stepped up to the plate and was a man about it all.

[ladygarden]

Oh no, now I'm feeling all sorry for myself!

I'm glad of the support though. I bend over backwards to try and pacify him though. He thinks I have an 'easy life' whilst he toils to support the family. I know I am privileged to be able to stay home and look after DD but I am looking for a job and have been doing some work from home in the evenings. Besides will he EVER realise that it is bloody hard looking after a child all day, 7 days a week. I look forward to the weekends too, hoping he's gonna help me out but all I get is 2 babies to look after!

[expatinscotland]

Ladygarden, don't beat yourself up! Gimme a break, HE is the one w/the issues. Why bend over backwards to 'pacify' him when he's not doing a/thing like that for you in return? Come on, what did he think life was gonna be like - a college party?

[beansprout]

LG - how old is DD? I'm not impressed with him either but apparently they often can't deal with the initial change, plus they often feel excluded from the intense relationship we have with our dbs. Often though, it does get better in a few months. Am not making excuses for him though, grrrr.....

[PuffTheMagicDragon]

Does sound like he needs to grow up ladygarden!

Any chance of the two of you getting a babysitter and getting a night out every couple of weeks - you mention living near your parents, maybe they could help out?

expatinscotland - your posts have made me ROFL! I love your turn of phrase !

[ladygarden]

Hmm, so why do I always feel guilty and like the big party pooper? For having had a baby? For always having to point out the practicalities? For tying him down?

I am fed up with it. Actually Expat he often harps on about how life was so great at uni, so funny you should mention it.

Will he ever adapt to grown up life or should I just cut him loose??

[PuffTheMagicDragon]

oh dear, the "life was so great at uni" phrase means he has some serious growing up to do - how old is he?

[ladygarden]

DD is 18months!! I thought he'd be getting a bit better by now! I have given him the 'time to adapt' excuse for long enough.

[ladygarden]

It gets worse... DP is 35.

[PuffTheMagicDragon]

shit...............

[PuffTheMagicDragon]

sorry , don't usually swear on mn, but I'm guessing uni was a looooong time ago!

[moondog]

Maybe threaten to...
Nothing sadder than someone stuck in the past harping on about how life was great when...
He needs to learn that life is great now. A different sort of great but great nonetheless.
Dh and I often reminisce about the past but enjoy the fact that as we get older, our experiences are different.
Let's face it, we both have done more than our fair share of staying up all night getting pissed.
Still enjoy it but just not quite so often.

[expatinscotland]

Hate to have to say it, but I think I'd give him the flick. As I told me ex, if I wanted to have two kids, I'd give birth to them.

[ladygarden]

Haha! Oh, and we do go out - just not as often as before. And he's been out twice this week on the lash without me.

[Caligula]

Tell you what, why don't you kill three birds with one stone.

Leave him with the baby one whole day. Go away, treat yourself, relax. You've earned it. You deserve it. Job one done.

He learns how hard it is to look after a baby and starts to respect the work you're doing while he's skiving in the cash economy. Job two done.

He stops feeling excluded and has full participation in his DD's life! Job three done!

Howzat for a solution?

[expatinscotland]

K, just read that. 35?! Well, you wouldn't see me for dust in that case.

[Caligula]

Thirty Five? OMG!!!!

[PuffTheMagicDragon]

How much does he do with your dd?

[ladygarden]

Hmmm, well he does a fair bit of playing with her. Takes her out or takes her swimming occassionally. Changes nappies and all that. He looks after all day occassionally too but that usually means him watching TV and letting her run riot!

I can't just give him the flick though - he's the father of my child and all that. Besides he'd do me up like a kipper as he used to be a solicitor and controls everything.

[Libb]

Ladygarden, I am right there with you. One of my biggest feelings since DS has arrived is guilt. I sometimes catch myself bending over backwards to make DP happy and I think it has just occured to me that I cannot carry on forever. I am very aware of the fact that it wasn't a two way feeling straight away. DP wasn't sure about the whole thing until the 20 week scan (when it suddenly hit him so to speak), but even now I am sure he is lamenting his loss of freedom.

I now find myself considering my options as I feel I don't trust him and he doesn't love me enough. DS came as a shock, we had been together just 3 months at the time. I had left my husband for DP, now I feel I am paying for being so hasty.

I am still contemplating what a permanent split would mean to DS - he is my one and only priority when it comes to the crunch. However DP loves DS like nothing else on earth, I feel so torn.

[ladygarden]

How old is your DS Libb? DP was awful when I was pregnant. He didn't tell anyone for ages and only told his friends when it started getting obvious! He wouldn't talk about it either. Still as I said he loves her to death now, and she him. But like you say, I don't want to come second forever...