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"I care about you but there is no love there anymore" he says

(30 Posts)
stirlingmum Thu 26-Jun-08 11:29:41

So there you go - There goes 15 yrs of marriage.
I have posted before but here is a brief (as brief as I can) summary...

Last Nov, h tells me he is seeing someone else, he loves her, he has even moved her into his company flat in the city he spends alot of time.
We do lots of crying & talking and we decide to try again. Trouble is h really isn't trying. We try counselling but he doesn't want to go back. He doesn't really want to talk about what happened or us.
I find out he is still in touch with ow again and again. He tells me now that it is over but I can't believe him!
We have been just getting along (especially important as 3 dc involved 9,7 & 3) but he tells me this week, the night before our dd's birthday party and a few days before we are off to France for 2 weeks that he cares for me but there is no love there.
Apparently it is best that we seperate! He sees no point in prolonging the agony - it wont get any better.

I feel a bit better just putting it down in writing - just feel sick and sad!

Carmenere Thu 26-Jun-08 11:34:23

So sorry for you Stirlingmum. I suppose that at least you have tried your bestsad

missingtheaction Thu 26-Jun-08 11:35:32

so sorry, this is so sad and such a very hard journey for you. I hope you have some good friends who will hold your hand and let you cry on tehir shoulders.


Raffaella Thu 26-Jun-08 11:36:01

I remember your original thread. How sad that it's come to this. You really have given him every chance to sort this by the sound of things.

So sorry.

greenelizabeth Thu 26-Jun-08 11:39:16

Poor you. I know you feel like the bottom has fallen out of your world right now, but in one way he is right. You are better off being apart from a man who doesn't LOVE you anymore. You can tell your children that YOU tried really hard to keep the family together.

I can tell you firsthand that that almost crippling sense of failure when your family breaks up, and the whole "i am going to be a single mum how the F did that happen?" that does lessen.

Life will get better. hug]] hang in there. Take care of yourself.

umberella Thu 26-Jun-08 11:51:19

So sorry stirling mum - I also followed your thread and know how hard you have tried to fix this.

You really deserve to move on now and have a happy life with people who DO love and respect you.

I have a dreadful feeling this man will not fully realise what he had until he no longer has it.

lilyloo Thu 26-Jun-08 11:53:38

So sorry Stirling i remember your original thread. You have done everything you can.
Are you still going ahead with the holiday?

stirlingmum Thu 26-Jun-08 11:58:53

Thank you everyone - It is so helpful just to know that I have support here.

I hadn't told my family before but I am telling them today. They are about 300 miles away but it will feel better to have told them.

You are right, greenelizabeth, I feel such a failure. I look at our dc and feel I have let them down badly. But, on the other hand, I can, hand on heart, say that I have tried and given this everything.

I dread telling our dc. I wanted so much more for them sad

TillyScoutsmum Thu 26-Jun-08 11:59:40

So sorry Stirling - it sounds like him "trying again" was a pretence on his part so he is able to move on and tell everyone "at least he tried his best". He clearly didn't but you did. The lack of control was the hardest thing for me to deal with but how can you make someone love you and want to be with you ??

Good Luck and rant away whenever you want

stirlingmum Thu 26-Jun-08 12:00:05

Yes, lilyloo, we are all going on the holiday but I am really not looking forward to it.

stirlingmum Thu 26-Jun-08 12:01:30

Yes, Tilly, in hindsight, he never really wanted to try. I think we were over a long time ago in his head.

lilyloo Thu 26-Jun-08 12:02:42

Can't imagine you are , i guess it will be hard but you will get through it for the dc's.
I think once your family/friends know it will be easier as they can support you.
How sad

ambercat Thu 26-Jun-08 12:15:18

stirlingmum, i am in a very similar situation but in my case h announced it out of the blue and refused to even try to make it work.

I really really feel for you, i have never felt so alone in my life even though my friends and family are being fab.

We are telling the children this weekend ( they are similar ages to yours) i am dreading it, like you i wanted so much more for them.

I am now determined to rebuild my life and create a secure family for my dc's. I truely think our husbands will look back and regret what they have done.

So sorry this has happened to you too.sad

stirlingmum Thu 26-Jun-08 12:20:19

So sorry for you too, Amber. This is something you wouldn't wish on anybody.

You do feel so alone - I go to the school to collect the kids and dont want to talk to anyone.

In a way it is good to know that it is now over. I can start to plan and rebuild my life and I agree, one day the husbands will look back and regret it. But it will be too late.

Good luck Amber - please let me know how telling the dc went xx

HappyWoman Thu 26-Jun-08 12:53:03

Oh stirling - i am so sorry it has come to this as i remeber when it happened and you seem to have tried so hard.

I suspect he is still in contact - otherwise why now seperate?

Do think whether you want to go on holiday - maybe sugest that you go and he leaves you alone for a while.
I say this because when we were in that situation we booked a holiday - he swore ow was off the scence but on holiday suggested we seperate ... very similar to how you are now. I did go on holiday - didnt believe ow was off scence and refused him to come back to the house with me when we returned.
My gut feel was i should not have gone on the holiday or at least i should have come home when i knew.

Be strong and only think about you now.

There is still some hope - if you still want it. My h survived about 2 weeks alone grin. Was always making excuses for contacting me (one even to say he was now taking off his wedding ring hmm.)
Then he started the begging (which went on for a long time).
It has worked out for us but it was a along and painful journey.

Do stay strong and be true to yourself now
Thinking of you and if you need to chat please cat me.

HW x

umberella Thu 26-Jun-08 13:37:34

Stirlingmum -

I'm sorry but in your position I would request that h told the dc. Why shoud you have to perform this unenviable task. Don't let him get away with doing the difficult stuff.

I hope you get lots and lots of love and support from your family. It will be such a relief for you to finally tell them.

HappyWoman Thu 26-Jun-08 13:42:49

Yes hard as it is please make sure he does a fair amount of the child-care and related chores.

As hard as it will be please make some time for you and show that you will not be crying for him - go out and leave him to babysit. Even if it is only to go out and have a cry it will make him see what you have to cope with.
Dont be afraid to cry it all out either.

foothesnoo Thu 26-Jun-08 13:46:29

Stirling, it's Iris (new name). I am so sorry that you have reached this point. Agree with everyone on this thread - you really have done all you can and you should br proud of not giving up on your marriage and trying to make it work, despite the devastating blow your DH dealt you.

Perhaps once this period of grief is over you will feel relief that you don't have to keep trying to mend things and that you can have a new start with your boys. They will be fine - they have two parents who love them and will be there for them.

Remember when we talked about facing the future alone and realising you could do it, and perhaps it would be easier?

Thinking of you x

foothesnoo Thu 26-Jun-08 13:47:47

Sorry stirling -wrote boys but meant DCs - no idea where that came from!

OverMyDeadBody Thu 26-Jun-08 13:53:02

I remember your other thread. I'm really sorry for you that it has come to this and it is so hard.

Could you see it as a new and exciting opportunity for you though, instead of viewing it negatively and dwelling on the past or the future that might have been?

This might be your chance to persue old forgotten interests and hobbies, meet new interesting people, have new experiences and grow as a person in a way that you wouldn't have if you'd continued in this relationship.

Also, you deserve to spend yourself with someone who loves you don't you? And equally, your H has every right not to stay in a relationship where he doesn't feel any love. It is harsh to accept at first, but embrace this, rather than getting depressed over it, after all, getting depressed over it and not coping will not benefit you in the long run, and meither will it make your H change his mind.

Best of luck, there is a world of opportunity out there for you now, embrace it!smile

spook Thu 26-Jun-08 14:01:58

Stirling-I too remember your original thread and I am so so sorry it's got to this point. I think you're probably right-in his head it was over a long time ago.
I'm 4 and a half years down the line now and I really believe my exh had no real intention of making it work. Is there any way you could rethink the holiday? Could you possibly face it on your own with the DC's? I did both. One with him and quite a few on my own with boys. The holiday with him was one of the most painful weeks of my life. I was an absolute wreck,waiting for him to go off to call her (which he did) and I drank too much and had the most horrendous fights with him and nowhere to escape to.
The holidays with just DS's were amazing. Hard but strangely fortifying. Proving to me that I could do it on my own and the quality time with two very confused boys was priceless.
The two small boys incidentally are not so small any more and are the happiest most balanced children you could wish for with an unbelievable bond with their stepdad. It WILL get easier I promise.
Please be kind to yourself.

stirlingmum Thu 26-Jun-08 14:50:31

OMDB - I am trying to view this as a new start. It is just difficult at the moment as I feel so low, but I will bounce back!

Hi HW & Spook, thanks for your messages - I am worried about the holiday too. I know I could do it. The problem is that we are driving from Scotland to France! Also, the dc would be so upset if he wasn't there as he works away so much. I shall give it some thought.

Hi Iris - Hope you are well and your situation is better. Thanks for the support - I know I can do this alone, I just really didn't want to have to! I am so very angry with him for giving in and not trying very hard.

foothesnoo Thu 26-Jun-08 18:58:34

Stilring I would feel the same. I am so sorry you're going through this. I don't think being alone is what anyone would choose.

But you are where you are. Your H is at last being honest with you. It's been a terrible road for you these last few months and at least you now have absolute certainty that you know what the situation is. You can start to make plans and concentrate just on you, on what you want from life and on healing those wounds rather than papering over the cracks in your relationship. When we were both going through it I found the lack of control the most difficult thing. You can atke that control back now. Think about what you want and work out how you're going to get there.

I have had some counselling on my own and I really recommend it (I know you were having counselling with H at one point). It might help you to have an outlet for some of those really difficult feelings.

I hope you have some good friends supporting you in RL. Best of luck with it all.

stirlingmum Sat 28-Jun-08 18:23:55

Just to let you know, HappyWoman, you were right - Have questioned him again and demanded the truth this time and he admits ow still on the scene and they talk quite often.
So we never stood a chance really!
I hope she is worth it

trulymadlydeeply Sat 28-Jun-08 21:13:14

So sorry to hear this, Stirling. I hope you're OK and that you know you are the better woman and that you WILL get through this.

Thinking of you ...

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