how does a couple split up?

[sparkybabe]

I have not been happy for some time - been married for 16 years, 3 dc - and feeling that life is passing by without my noticing. DH is a great guy, sensitive, thoughtful, intelligent, good job etc, but I don't 'love' him any more, don't fancy him and don't really want to be in a couple with him any more. There isnt anyone else, but I feel that I dont want to 'explain' myself to anyone - if I want to just take off to Dublin/Rome/the local pub then I don't want to have to giv a run-down of what I did, who I saw, what I said and when I left. He is obviously hurt, and has been trying to make it 'right' for a few months now, giving me freedom to go out, taking us all on holiday etc. But now he is talking about moving out. How does this happen? We both love the house and garden, and it's the DC's home. - even if we could sell it at the mo. But I don't see the point of him renting a flat (about £750-£800 a month round here) - I did suggest he move into one of the kids rooms, (they would double up quite happily) so he could still enjoy the house/garden/cooking/washing and see the dc every day. But he said it was just 'waiting for the axe (?) to fall' and won't consider it.
How do other people split? Is it a matter of him going down to nothing? After all we've worked for, it seems unfair that he leaves with nothing and we (me and the dc) have everything.

[Elasticwoman]

What makes you think you have more right to be happy than your dc?

Will they be happier if they have to lose their home and their parents split up?

You chose to marry your dh for better or for worse. Your dc did not choose to be born.

[nervousal]

eh elasticwoman? So they should stay together "for the sake of the kids"? Maybe better question would be "would kids be happier if you were happy and you were living in smaller/rented house?"

[mamalovesmojitos]

???

marriages break up it is a sad fact of life. children move on and succeed in their own lives.

i can tell you it is extremely damaging for a child to grow up in a family where their parents do not get on at all.

[sparkybabe]

Elasticwoman - I don't think I have more right to be happy than the dc, my kids are THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in my life, Fullstop. I have put myself last for 15 years, and have no problem with DH moving into the spare room, I would still do his Ironing, cooking, washing etc. He would see the dc every day. I would even still do the 'Mrs corporate-wife' stuff, if he wanted. But I dont want to be part of a couple any more.
Sometimes I think it would be better to have 20-year contracts, instead of marriage, so that after 20 years, I could move on without all this guilt and heartache. And after all he's had the best 20 years, my best looks, figure, child-bearing etc. Now I want 20 for me to go travelling or flirting, or not. But my choice, not his.

[justdidntthink]

And maybe you've had his best years as well! I think that since you are the one who wants the change and he doesn't appear from what you say to have done anything other than try to be a good husband, maybe you should be the one to move out!

[OverMyDeadBody]

Elasticwoman what a ridiculous post.

Everyone, absolutely everyone, has the right to put their happiness foremost in thier lives and not stay in an unhappy situation fo rhte sake of someone else's happiness .

Children are generally happiest and most secure when both their parents are happy, so by putting her happiness first, sparky is of course also puting her children's happiness at the top of her priorities.

Marriage is not a contract you are obliged to stasy in if you don't want to, and I think not actually loving your spouce is a very very valid reason for splitting up.

[Twelvelegs]

DCs are better off seeing adults that are happy together and love eachother (whether that's mum and dad or not), meaning don't stay together resenting for the kids. Relate do break up counselling for this sort of stuff, perhaps book a visit?

[OverMyDeadBody]

sparklybabe, of course right now it may seem the best option for your H to live in the same house as you, but long term this situation will not last and will not stay amicable and happy.

Think about it. What happens when you meet someone else and you want to bring them home? What happens when your H meets someone else and brings her home?

It will end in tears, your H is wise to not consider it an option.

[fizzledizzle]

i know it might be a bit of a tired thing to say, but have you thought about relate?is there really no way forward

[OverMyDeadBody]

many relationships run their natural course, I don't think anyone should try to stay with someone else whom they no longer love. It's not fair on either party.

[chopchopbusybusy]

I don't blame your DH for not wanting to move into the spare room and otherwise carry on as normal... I do have friends who did this and although initially it was all amiable, after a couple of weeks of it they had begun to hate one another.

Agree that Relate could be very useful, not to save the relationship but to make the split easier.

Can you support your DCs? Although you would have priority over the family home while the children are under 18, there would have to be enough money for you both to be able to live separately and your DH would have a claim to the family home when the youngest child reached 18.

Also, are you being completely realistic. If you have children, life is restricted. Sometimes I'd love to take myself off alone for a few days, but accept that until my children are adults, it's just a dream.

[WilyWombat]

Perhaps he still cares about you dont you think it may be difficult for him to live in the limbo you are suggesting...what if you get a boyfriend...its going to make it difficult for him to get a girlfriend.

I am definately not saying you need to stay together for the children what I AM saying is perhaps you may HAVE to sell and split the proceeds from the house to allow you to live separately

I dont understand how you are going to live this FREE exciting life if you still have dependant children though - are you SURE you have thought this through?

[OverMyDeadBody]

I live a free and exciting life, the fact that DS is always there with me doesn't really come into it for me, maybesparky meant with her DCs, and it's only her DH who she feels is restricting her?

[fawkeoff]

sparkybabe ((((hugs))))

Do not feel bad, or let other posters make you feel bad about any decision you make.

I am 2 months into a break up from my EXp....we were together for nearly 8 years and have 2 beautiful children together....age 5 and 2......we knew we weren't in love with each other anymore...and both came to the conclusion that we needed to end it.

It was not an easy decision to make, we could have easily put it all under the carpet and stayed together for the kids....but we would have ended up disliking each other.......we are trying to have an ammicable relationship, and we still have to compromise.

You only have once crack at life and I'll be damned if i waste it staying in a relationship were we are not in love we deserve more than that....we will always love each ther.....but not in the way we are supposed to.

I dont care if people think that we are selfish for not staying together for the kids but i do not care
my children are happy, and actually more wel behaved....they have no one to play me off against lol.

All i can say is if your heart is not in it then it's not right.
Regards to him staying in your home then i dont know how that will work out only time will tell x x

[Bramshott]

There are people who have done the whole "living together as housemates" thing and it has worked. But you need to set some groundrules, and yes, you need to consider what happens if/when you both meet someone else.

[WilyWombat]

Personally I think the whole living together as housemates thing can ONLY work if BOTH parties feel the relationship has run its course. It sounds as though the OPs husband has been trying extra hard and that is now how someone who feels a relationship is over behaves.

Perhaps if you need freedom then he and the DCs should stay in the house and you should test drive the freedom you crave elsewhere?

[hamandhigh]

Surely if your husband leaves you are gaining less freedom, not more.
Being a single mother is hard work, and swanning off for the weekend just doesn't happen at the click of your fingers.
You just sound a bit bored.
Try going on holiday together and relighting your fires.
Doesn't sound as if your dh desrves this

[CountessDracula]

Do you think you might just be in the grips of a prolonged mid-life crisis

Sorry if that sounds harsh but if you were a man on here saying you fancied travelling and flirting but you have 3 kids you would get a very different response!

[OverMyDeadBody]

humanhigh leaving my H gave me Far more freedom. Obviously it depends on the individual circumstasnces, but not having somene who you have to answer to and explain yourself to is freedom, even if you never actually go out.

[sparkybabe]

Justdidntthink - I would move out, but my dc wuold have to come with me! I will never leave them, altough as they are boys I think they actually need a father more as they get older than they need a mother. I am not contemplating getting a new boyfriend/partner - why would I put myself back in the same situation? Have someone else telling me what I can do or not? No. I want to be free of that. I suppose I envisage us being 'partners' for the dc, not lovers, or bound in any other way.
You are right tho, DH has done everything he can to rekindle it, holidays away, nights out, weekends off with my girlfreinds. I think it's made me want out even more!

Fawkeoff - thanks. I am trying to think of an amicable end, one that will hurt the least amount to everyone. But I suppose the best way forward is to continue as I have been. He is trying to make it work, I suppose I should do more, if only for the sake of the kids. After all, if I don't want for anything, why should I break it? (just the thought is making me a bit teary, and I never never ever cry!)

[BalloonSlayer]

Your OP does come across as rather selfish though, SB.

It comes over as if you want it all your way - not wanting your husband any more, but not wanting to lose your house either. It also sounds as if you don't want him to have a fresh start either.

Why can't he move out and rent a flat and start again? You don't "see the point of" this. I would say the point is that despite his best efforts his wife has rejected him, so he needs to rebuild his life and perhaps find himself a new relationship.

Suggesting that he sleeps in the spare room smacks of you having your cake and eating it. Why, for instance, don't you move out into the spare room? You're the one who wants to break up.

You ask "now he is talking about moving out. How does this happen? " Well what happens is that you sell the house, he has a flat and you live in a smaller house with the DCs. And you will not be able to take off for Rome/Dublin/the Pub just like that without explaining yourself to anyone, because you will be a single mother.

I do sympathise with your feeling trapped but you have to understand that (cliche alert) you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs and you can't break up your marriage without inconvenience, unless you are a multi-millionaire.

[sparkybabe]

Thanks balloon slayer. I do sometimes think I am selfish, but then I have been a SAHM for 15 years, so I am up-there with the guilt stuff. I would move out to the spare room, if I thought it wuld help. I suppose in principle I wouldn;t mind selling the house and moving somewhere smaller, I just dont know if we could sell it now anyway, we've actualy spent a lot on it in the past 2 years and house prices are still dropping here. I don't see the point of buying 2 houses with all the costs of living seperately if we could live together as a team. After all, 5 can live as cheaply as 4.

[staranise]

Just whatever you do, please think about it long and hard and explore all other options first. My parents divorced when I was 18 and it was horrific and still is for us children, even though my parents are amiable enough now with each other.

It was also expensive and time-consuming and both of my parents probably have a lower quality of life in terms of financial things (eg, pension, size of house etc) than they would had have, had they stayed together. Clearly, financial considerations are unimportant when it comes to long-term happiness, but they did become areas of contention/resentment very quickly once divorce proceedings got underway. I would say that my father is happier now but my mother is not and I can see virtually no positive benefits for us children.

Not to say of course that separation is not the best option in your case but whatever you decide, get professional advice/counselling first to satisfy yourself at least that it is not jsut a case that the grass is always greener.