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........And there's another thing ........

(15 Posts)
crystaltips Thu 27-Jan-05 22:00:24

Now before I start .... I totlally LOVE my DH and we are happily married ....however .... there's a big BUT .....

All the "experts" say that it's the little things that allow a marriage to fall appart .... so here are mine and more to the point ... how do I point them out to DH tactfully without creating World War 3 ????

Punctuality .... I have 2 evenings a week that I go out ... and art class and a training session for a new job I am about to embark on
- for those 2 nights he arrives 10/15 minutes late - which leaves me feeling - cross / angry / hassled / ignored / worthless ( *delete where applicable )

freezing me out .... when I say things that he does not want to hear for example
i ) I feel totally wrung out because my depressed friend has totally drained all my reserves
ii ) I'd rather not watch Match of the day I'm off to bed
iii ) You said you'd eat at the gym ( I've eaten already )
iv ) DS and I have already spoken about the games bag on the floor - he'll clean it up after his tea .....
... he sulks and belittles me ... in fact will not respond to my otherwise normal conversation - which leaves me feeling - cross / angry / hassled / ignored / worthless ( *delete where applicable )

( got the picture so far )????

I am just looking for advice and hopefully constructive criticism .... he's NOT a bastard .... but there are times that I feel very inadequate ....

small things that you can't put your finger on .... but (sadly) they are turning into big things for me.
Thanks for reading this far .....

moondog Thu 27-Jan-05 22:08:38

Aren't they ALWAYS the little things though?!
Have you tried writing them down and giving it to him to read quietly alone? That is often a very helpful calm thing to do.

crystaltips Thu 27-Jan-05 22:10:20

did that once - and found the letter screwed up in a ball - without being read

open Thu 27-Jan-05 22:10:33

crystaltips - on the lateness thing. Is he punctual the rest of the time? If so, I think that's pretty rude actually, and not what I'd think of as a little thing.

Tommy Thu 27-Jan-05 22:11:30

Don't know how to help but know how you feel! Different things obviously but same feelings.
Have you read the book called something like "Men don't talk and women can't read maps"?
It explains why men do this stuff (although men don't read these books of course so it can't tell them why it annoys us so much and that they should stop)
Thinking of you and sending good vibes

moondog Thu 27-Jan-05 22:12:31

Well that was F*ING rude Crystaltips!!!!
Extremely aggressive behaviour!

crystaltips Thu 27-Jan-05 22:17:59

thanks for all your replies ... and YES that's exactly how I feel ... that it's rude and disrespectful .... but going in with all guns blazing will not help ... will it ....

Men need to be nudged in the right direction rather than dictated to ....

IME - the only way I can get DH to do anything is for him to think it was his idea in the first place
.... surely it's like a game of chess ....

we hold the pieces - and it's how we play the game to get what we want ....

crystaltips Fri 28-Jan-05 09:35:01


anorak Fri 28-Jan-05 10:06:57

I agree that these issues are not little things. Everyone has basic needs for attention, affection and love, IMO. These needs are fundamental, they're not trivial things at all. Freezing out anything he doesn't want to hear means that not only are your needs being ignored, but you have to live day-to-day feeling as though you don't matter.

Your spouse is supposed to help and support you in everyday life, if he isn't he will drain and demoralize you. He needs to understand that expecting you to live like this will cause resentment to grow inside you until eventually it damages your relationship.

open Fri 28-Jan-05 10:16:19

On the lateness - I would tell dh, nice and calmly, that you've decided to book a babysitter for the nights you go out. Just to make sure you can get off on time, as it's obviously difficult for him to get away from work.

kernowcat Fri 28-Jan-05 10:21:37

morning everyone!
Empathise totally with you! How to make them understand that the 'little' things are important to us and if our needs are met life for everyone is so much better.
(I'm hiding on MN instead of emailing my DP whose been away all week on business. Unfortunately he was not talking to me when he left so we are going to 'talk' to tonight! Thought I would send my feelings to him to think about before he comes home!)
I have found that men need time to consider what you have to say as they see it as a personal attack on them. Have you read Mars and Venus?
It does help but you both need to read it and keep using it! (something we forget to do!)
Sorry to ramble on but I think your dilemma will strike a chord with many of us.
Good luck.

crystaltips Wed 02-Feb-05 14:53:45

He did the same to me again last night - I arrived 10 minutes late for a meeting.

Decided to go for an alternative approach .... whilst I was racing to the meeting I phoned his voice mail at work and explained to him why I found his lateness disrespectful and belittling. I explained how it made me look to the others I had arranged to meet - and I explained how important punctuality is to me ...... then I quietly hung up ....

After the meeting - I came home - went to bed and didn't mention a thing.


I got a call first thing this morning ( obviously rather rattled having heard his messages ) I got an abject apology and he said that there was no excuse for his rudeness .....

Have also just got an email re-iterating the apology ....

I knew I just had to find the correct approach - until the next time

Kayleigh Wed 02-Feb-05 15:02:49

crystaltips, impressed with that approach and really glad it worked for you. Maybe men are more amenable to these things earlier in the day.

Satine Wed 02-Feb-05 15:08:24

Isn't it ridiculous that at work, you can usually deal with all sorts of problems in a rational and adult way, even when there's a personality clash, by having a grown up discussion but at home, the smallest comment can spark a row or a sulk. Crazy, really. Perhaps that's why your approach worked, crystaltips - your DP looked at the issue with his work head on...

crystaltips Wed 02-Feb-05 20:27:24

He'll dread going to work from now on .... worrying if there are any more messages from me

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