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Money, Money,Money

(17 Posts)
hippi Wed 26-Jan-05 11:55:47

Let me start at the beginning.

My dh works in an idustry based in London, work fluctuates and he is self employed. For six months of the year he earns good money, and the rest job seekers allowance. He managed to get himself in serious debt years before i met him after marriage collapsed.

I live in a different part of the country to London, rent my own house, have my own income and pay all the utility bills. he gives me money for food, and a bit more when he can afford it.

He noramlly comes and stays every weekend to see me and dd.

As i had 2nd baby two weeks ago, I found him work where i live until April (between december and April work dries up in his industry) To see us through a horrible time, money's not great but better than none.

Last night i mentioned to him that end of march he might want to start looking for work in my area for after this job.

He said that he'd only be interested in jobs which paid more than 27,000 a year to cover his overheads.

Now 27 grand is unrealistic, for this area and for his base trade, and either he is in far more debt than i ever imagined or well i don't know.

I earn in the region of 15,000 and this covers all my overheads. 27,000 and he's is not even thinking about paying the rent. He lives on a boat so his overheads are next to nothing.

i have never known what he actually earns - and am now feeling pissed off and used that my money pays for the essentials while his money slips through his fingers.

When i mentioned this he said that we should poo, our money. Now when he's not working he borrows money of friends and sometimes me. I do not want to pool money, when he has no regular income and may take money out the account without thinking if the rents be paid.

I've always been proud of myself that i am an independent woman, and that id dh (not that he's going any where) left, i would still be able to support me and my children. But i would love some more finacial input from him, even if its only 17,000 a year it's better than fluctuating between having it and not having it. I also am dreading working full-time and looking after two kids on my own if he goes back to work in London. But feel selfish if i stop him doing a job he loves.

FFS i even bought all dd'sa xmas presents and her b'day presents cos he didn't (he does now0 have any money to contribute. I just want him to get a regular job, near me with an average salary that is guaranteed.

Don't know what to do or say, withoput him thinking that i'm being selfish constraining him to one job (which he hates idea of)

Very long .......... very boring soory. BUT HELP

hippi Wed 26-Jan-05 12:21:36


Gobbledigook Wed 26-Jan-05 12:26:03

Hippi, not sure I've got any particular advice but didn't want you to feel ignored!

I was a bit confused by your set up - you are married but dh lives in a different part of the country to you just during the week but travels home for weekends? I don't think it's unfair to ask him to think hard about his income and how he can best help to support your family. I may be wrong but from your post it sounds like you are living separate lives and he's not really contributing to yours?

Sorry I can't be of much help but found your situation hard to get my head round but if it were me I'd be putting my foot down about his responsibility to his children.

MancMum Wed 26-Jan-05 12:31:51

no - I don't think you are selfish at all for wanting him near by -- you are a family and you can not do it all on your own... I wouls have coped with your situation before kids but now I tthink he has a responsibility to put aside his immediate needs and look at his bigger picture and maybe compromise a bit... after all, most of us do once kids are on the scene....

I think family life is fab, rewarding, amzing and unmissable - but is does require compromise, and putting your own needs second for a while -- you have needs too - and this situation seems to only benefit him... Sorry to say as I don't know him but he does sound a bit selfish and I think you are being completely fair and reasonable about this... I would have sunk his boat by now and forced him home!!

hippi Wed 26-Jan-05 12:34:13

Yep, he lives down on a boat in London from monday night to friday morning. He lives with us Friday night to Monday morning. Got married cos we had plans that either i'd move in with him or he'd move in with me. I can't move, have house, job and family here. He has erm....a boat! So yeah i suppose we do live seperate lives. Also pisses me off when he's down in London he goes out with mates, has a drink. I can't do that as have stay home due to sleeping babies! Something has got to give - we're not a real family. Dd's nursery presumes i'm a single mum! Thanks for not igoring me!

Bozza Wed 26-Jan-05 12:34:44

I agree with gobbledigook. It doesn't seem right to me. You are basically doing both roles - looking after and nurturing the children and being the breadwinner for the family.

Could you suggest that you both keep your own money paid into separate bank accounts. And then get a joint one (that you control) for the bills.

hippi Wed 26-Jan-05 12:36:13

Mancmum, tried that but narrow boats are hard to sink!

hippi Wed 26-Jan-05 13:41:37

Never thought i was nuturing and the breadwinner, that doesn't sound like me i always thought of myself as being too selfish to be a good mum. But I am doing the whole bloody lot . Will sit him down and tell him to get his finger out! fell a bit better.

MancMum Wed 26-Jan-05 13:53:47

I don't think the word selfsih should anywhere near you --- you have put the needs of others far ahead of your own... quite how you cope with 2 on your own is amazing particularly when you know that some nights he is down the pub...

I hope you get some resolution that suits your needs - you do sound a bit more unconventiiobal than me.. I lost all mine the minute DS was born !!

Kaz33 Wed 26-Jan-05 13:58:59

No wonder he doesn't want to change, he gets the freedom of being single during the week and all the security of a family at the weekend. ~AND you pick up the bills when he isn't working.... so you are being mum as well.

Tell him to stop being a selfish a**e

Bozza Wed 26-Jan-05 14:14:00

Well nurturing and breadwinning is the whole lot hippi. You are bringing your children up on your own basically. Agree with Kaz - you've let him get away with it for far too long.

aroomofmyown Wed 26-Jan-05 14:21:12

Hippi, your post has really made me think about my own dilemma here
as I have been wondering if an arrangement is possible where a married couple can live apart and maintain a family life and not get so that one or other of them doesn't feel put upon. Your post has reinforced my feeling that it has to be a very last result But well done you for keeping it all together so well for so long

My advice would be do not give up your independence however you resolve this. I don't think you are being selfish at all. Your dh is getting off incredibly lightly both in his commitment to family life and his financial contribution to it. Imho, family life changes and stuff happens (a new baby for instance) surely the way in which couples deal with these changes together is what decides whether the couples remain together or not. Whatever you agreed (or assumed) previously should surely be under review right now. I think you need to do some soul searching and work out what you want and what you are prepared to compromise on or not. Then you obviously need to talk to dh. Good luck and best wishes x

hippi Wed 26-Jan-05 14:40:28

Kaz i pick up the bills even when he is working! i don't want to lose my idependence - maybe if he picked up a couple of bills but i tried that and one month he had no money, didn't tell me water bill hadn't been paid, so i got the final demand and i sent off the cheque. I got used to it when it was only dd, but now its ds too..........Give dh his due though he is working here now although only till April, and he constantly moans that the money is crap and that the job is dull. I feel guilty cos i asked him to do this job for three months and he hates it. I also hate the way he goes on about not having enough money when i don't see a penny, apart from a token amount each week (when he has it!) Aaargh this really wasn't a problem till ds came along a couple of weeks ago1

hippi Wed 26-Jan-05 15:19:36

on a more positive note - he does do the cooking and hoovering when here is at home!

hippi Thu 27-Jan-05 09:03:52

Hi, spoke to dh last night. Told him how i felt etc. He has already told his new boss (at job his got until April) that when the position becomes permanent in April, he wantsit. He said it may be dull, but he comes home to his family every night and that makes up for crap wages and tediousness. He also said that with both mine and his wages we'll be ok. I suggested that he have one joint account for bills and rent and seperate accounts (thanks for that Bozza) that way i still get my idependence and am not paying off his debts. He even booked us a holiday to Lanzarote in Sept, as a surprise he's paid the deposit and it gives us loadsa time to save up!

I feel a bit bad now, having a winge.....but when i mentioned it before he was full of reasons as to why he couldn't work in my area. Now he's done a complete turn around! And he has a v v happy wife . There is one proviso .......he gets to keep the boat, just move it nearer to where we are!

MancMum Thu 27-Jan-05 10:03:34

really pleased for you.... I do so love a happy ending!!

Bozza Thu 27-Jan-05 10:30:29

Glad its worked out. But don't you feel bad. Sounds to me like he picked up on the fact that you weren't happy (at last) and finally figured that he ought to do something about it. Maybe when you talked about it before he went on the defensive but realised that you were right really. So well done you.

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