Brother doesn't feel welcome in his own house, advice please

[SecondhandRose]

My brother age 43 has a GF with two DD's (16 and 13) they all moved in together about 5 yrs ago. DB owns the house and pays all bills.

He is v.depressed as the DD's are ungrateful, unhelpful, won't sit in the same room as him, go upstairs when he comes in the house. Basically they are typical teenagers.

It has got to the point that he wants them to move out but he still loves their Mum and wants to be with her (but this won't happen if they move out).

He is stretched financially with all their demands although their Dad also pays maintenance. He said to me perhaps it would be different if they were his own children.

Any thoughts, advice, similar problems?

[ScummyMummy]

Sounds like he's pretty stuck, 2ndhandrose as I'd imagine that it's a take me, take my kids kind of situation. Has he ever got on with the girls so that he has some kind of good times bank to draw on? And does he know much about child development etc? It sounds like the girls are showing pretty normal teenage behaviour though I imagine that's not much comfort if you've been painted as the bad guy. What does his gf think about it all? Any chance of them all getting some family therapy?

[coppertop]

Does the GF have an income of her own? What is the maintenance used for if not for their day-to-day outgoings?

The girls sound like pretty typical teenagers to me tbh. At their ages though they should be helping out around the house a bit. I think this kind of thing would be better coming from their mother though. He could always point out that as they're now not far from adulthood it's about time they learned how to start doing some things for themselves. If not they will find it very difficult to cope when they move to a place of their own when they're older.

[weightwatchingwaterwitch]

There was a great piece in The Observer yesterday on teenagers, I may start another thread actually to bring it to a wider audience, it's here . By the sounds of this, biology makes no difference, teenagers will still be horrible even if they're yours! I don't think he has any choice though, if he loves the woman he HAS to put up with her children, they don't exist separately. I'm reading Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town atm in preparation for teenagerdom and although my ds is only 7 he's already displaying some teenaged characterstics so I figure anything that helps is worth a try.

[SecondhandRose]

I think another problem that is coming back to haunt him now is that he has never disciplined the girls, his GF has always done it. So he has no 'control' whatsoever.

He has so many little complaints that are now one huge one and it's spiralling out of control for him.

[coppertop]

If he's feeling depressed and also thinks that the girls are ungrateful etc then it's possible that they are avoiding him because in their eyes he's not very good company.

When we were younger my mother's dp made a big deal about how we were living in his house (he was joint-owner with my mother) and how he had to pay all the bills etc. We already did a huge amount around the house but everytime he went on about it being his house etc it made us determined to do as little as we could get away with. I'm not saying that this is what your brother is like but it's possible that this is how his GF's daughters see it.

[SecondhandRose]

Thanks Coppertop, know what you mean, in my opinion he is a misery (but shouldn't say that as I was going to print this off for him!).

He has always kept it as his house as he is frightened of losing it. So he's always paid his bills and not expecting his GF to pay them.

GF does have a job so I don't understand why she doesn't pay for the things the DD is demanding.

[coppertop]

I don't think there's anything wrong with him keeping the house in his own name. I think that the GF should make some kind of contribution though. After all, it's supposed to be a partnership. Is he worried that if she paid towards the bills then she would have some kind of financial claim if they were to split up? It's highly unlikely that this would happen.

[SecondhandRose]

Yes Coppertop, you've hit the nail on the head. He wants to have a break from them but is scared if he leaves he won't get his house back.

[jollymum]

That piece about teens is fantastic-that is me! I think all those things, all of the time but could never have put things that well into print. I don't feel so bad now!