Do you think he wants out

[roberts]

Hello everyone, I'm depressed and need some advise. (Sorry if I gabble on) I have been married now for nearly three years to someone who I honestly love with all my heart the problem is I dont think if loves me and wants out. We met got married and have a child on the way this year, in the early days we never rowed but since I became pregant things have gone down hill. My husband seems to go from one extreme to another, happy one minute, down the next. There are days where he dosnt talk to me or even acknowledge my presence and these days he pushes me away and shows me no affection what so ever. I react to this behaviour and then the rows will start because it makes me so unhappy. Now these silent phases that he goes through are becoming more frequent and longer, there is nothing in my eyes that I do or say that triggers these moods but they have become so bad that we havnt spoke now for 3 days. Our baby is due this year and he shows no interest in my pregancy at all. This is making me think that he is obvioulsy unhappy about me and pregnancy and maybe he wants out of our marriage. I love him dearly and would do anything for him, but he is so unhappy, why I dont know as he dosnt talk to me about it. I am now worried that he will walk out of my life leaving me to cope with the baby on my own. I have tried endlessly to talk to him to see why he is so unhappy, wether it is money worries, work worries what ever but his unhappyness seems to be directed at me. I am now living every day, a day at a time not knowing if he will be there when I get home. I am at my wits end, especially with the baby due in only a few months time. What do I do?

[Temptress]

Perhaps he is finding it hard adjusting to the idea of being a parent soon. Its not always the mother who has doubts and insecurities, the difference being that women will talk it about and men usually dont.

Maybe there is something that is troubling him but he doesnt want to bother you with it because of your pregnancy, or maybe because you are quite hormonal do you think its possible things seem worse than they are?

Try and pick a time when he seems relaxed to have a good discussion and explain to him how you are feeling.

[roberts]

I Have tried to talk to him on countless occasions but I am banging my head against a brick wall. How long can someone be ignored before they crack. I feel that he no longer wants me or this baby but he is scared to admit to it.
He shows me no love and seems to have the world on his shoulders all the time, all I want is for him to be happy and look forward to our future, but I'm unsure if he wants this future.

[CookieMonster]

Roberts,
so sorry to hear about your situation ... does he have any male friends who he might have talked to who you could ask? You say you have tried talking to him and asking him why he is behaving as he is - have you tried instead telling him how you feel i.e. that you are afraid he's going to leave? Does he become more relaxed after a drink or two? I know it's ridiculous really, but a glass of wine or two really helps me when I need to talk about something 'bad' because I am such a bad communicator.
Good luck and best wishes ... CM

[roberts]

He is a very deep person and dos'nt open up to anyone, he rearly drinks so I have no chance of him opening up that way. When we argue I get upset and shout at him and I wish I didnt as I dont wont to hurt him as I love him. But his constaint unhappyness is making me depressed its not my hormones as others have noticed it too. Im loosing the man I love and I dont know what to do.

[forest]

Did you discuss children before you got pregnant? If so, did he want children? Did he want to acheive certain goals/ambitions before he had a child? I think it is harder for men to come to terms with the thought of a new baby as they are not physically going through the pregnancy. They often feel the weight of responsibility, how they are going to provide, the end of their care-free days and so on. Men usually deal with this by internalising their feelings rather than sharing. It is that old cliche men are from mars... and need to retreat to their caves.
It is a scary time being pregnant as you so want the support and love of your partner and if that isn't there you start to read all sorts into their behaviour. I would try not to keep asking him what is wrong, let him know you still love him and hopefully he might get out of this unhappiness and open up to you.
Try to keep postive and enjoy your pregancy (easier said than done) and once the baby is born your dh will probably be overwhelmed with love. But it might still take him a while to come to terms with the baby even when he/she is born as the baby is so dependant on you (maybe not if you don't bf) and it is not until the baby starts to interact with your dh (the first smile, the enjoyment at seeing them) that you might notice a difference in his behaviour.
Wishing you all the best.

[Groomy]

Dear Roberts, blimey! your situation reminded me of my ex boyfriend... he was clinically depressed, and had a real problem in articulating his feelings to an extent of not even speaking to me for days too.

This won't be easy... this is advice that I took from a counsellor, and it worked! good luck!

Two options; one is to take the bull by the horns and confront him with his behaviour.. ply him with drink which can be advantageous as the cogs are oiled!

Or, make him realise what he's got... got any friends that you could stay with for a couple of days? go away for 2/3 days have a complete break, pamper yourself, relax, and think. Upon your return talk. He should realise how much he's missed you, a bit of a wake up call really.

Good luck and hope it works out for you.

[roberts]

Going away for a few days has'nt helped, I have been staying down my brothers for the last few days due to work commitments and he hasnt even phoned me to see how I am, so I can only assumed that he hasnt missed me. How do you know if someone is clinicly depressed? I'm now scared that he wont even be around for the birth of our child, or see its first smile.

[MandyD]

Groomy got there first - I was about to suggest that it sounds like he may be suffering from depression! I think in these cases it's said that your GP would be the first port of call, maybe a visit from a CPN or health visitor could be arranged? Not sure of the rules on this, but definitely ask your GP. HTH, let us know how it goes.

[roberts]

I confronted him last night to wether he has suffered with depression in the past and does he think hes got it now, but again I got nothing. I also told him that he is blind to what is happening and how it is upsetting me and that he is pushing me away but it does no good as I think he knows that I would never leave him deep down inside he would have to leave me. At the moment we are living two different lifes and he feels like a stranger, Im finding this hard to cope with as I dont want it to be like this, I just want to love him.

[Groomy]

Its not an easy situation depression, and with the added strain of being pregnant it puts extra pressure on both of you.
If he's admitted that he thinks he's got depression now - thats a major starting point! Admission is the first hurdle, now you need him to address what the problems are - changes to his life, work, relationships all factor in this. Try and get him to see a counsellor, speak to a friend, relative or anyone that can take an objective not emotional view of whats happening - hope this helps...

[Temptress]

If he thinks he has depression then his first port of call should be the doctor where he can get some medication or counselling to help him. Unfortunately it very rarely goes on its own.

If you think he is suffering with this then as hard as it is you need to try and be patient with him and to encourage him to seek help. Unfortunately when you are depressed it can be too much of an effort to do it yourself unless you have someone behind you encouraging you.

Poor you as Im sure this couldnt have come at a worse time for you. Just when you need someone to be there for you, to be your rock, you dont have them. Ive been through this myself and its hard but you can get through it together. Take Care.

[breeze]

Dear roberts, i have just read this thread and i really feel for you, has anything happened in the past week. I so hope the situation has got better. Thinking of you.