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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH told me he's only here for the kids and to pay off our joint debts...

75 replies

Toothache · 21/01/2005 11:51

... to name but a few of the things he said.

I've been feeling very neglected by DH recently. He's been quite distant and hasn't shown me affection since our 1st wedding anniversary in October. Even then he got angry with me for feeling nervous about having sex (it was the 1st time since having dd 12wks before). I had a mirena coil fitted 2 wks ago and he showed no concern for how much pain I was in afterwards or sore it was at the time. When I mentioned that he got angry saying that how was he to know I was in pain! There's the problem, it didn't even cross his mind to ask how I was.
I finally brought the subject up on Wednesday. His reaction kind of shocked me. He got angry with me saying that I was wanting too much from him. He said that he'd apologised about the way he was on our anniversary and why was I still going on about it. I told him that it was much more than just that night, but it was indicative of how little he seems to care for my feelings. It went on and on..... I was crying so hard by this point and he just got angrier and angrier. He was screaming at me that he couldn't handle talking about this and that I needed to give him space. After being out for a cigarette he came in and apologised and said he realised he wasn't showing me the attention I deserved and he'd try hard not to take me for granted (he blamed his reaction on stress at work)..... I just left it at that.

Next morning he didn't utter a word to me other than to offer me a coffee. I sat there in silence with him until I was ready to BURST! I asked him why he was still being so cold toward me. It was like he punishing me for the night before. It all blew up again and he said that he just couldn't bring himself to think of my feelings and to stop me hurting. He said he's just too selfish a person. Then he said he wanted to love me for the sake of the kids but he couldn't. I was hysterical. . I think I cried all day yesterday. Ds was at my Mums and luckily dd is too young to really know whats happening. He was going to walk out there and then and leave me in this hysterical state with the baby.

I am ashamed and embarassed to admit that I begged him to stay. He kept saying no. That he wanted to go to his friends house and just get drunk (to sort his head out apparently).

He ended up staying, but only if I promised not to talk about all that had happened. I can't believe how cruel he is being towards me. I sat last night miserable, scared to mention how upset I was, scared to cry in case he just left. Is it just me or is that really unfair??

He said that he does love me and wants to make it work and that he is trully sorry for how he has been (and still is) acting, but that he couldn't deal with it last night..... so I wasn't to talk about it. We are going out for a meal on Saturday to talk about it. How can I forgive him for being so cold and hurtful? And for saying all those things? I can't believe him when he says he loves me. Will I ever get through this? Should I try to sort it out or should I walk away??

I am so hurt and confused by all this. I don't know what I've done. He says the problem is he never gets anytime to be on his own away from me and the kids..... NEITHER DO I! My own reaction shocked me. I couldn't believe I was being so weak and pathetic, begging him not to leave me. I hate myself for not just saying fine then, bugger off... you don't give a sh*t about me anyway!

My head is spinning with it all. Please help me.

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zubb · 21/01/2005 11:57

Oh toothache, I'm sorry that you are going through this. Don't know what to say really, hope someone comes along soon.
Am I right in thinking that you had pnd after ds was born - how have you been after dd? Is he frightened that it might happen again, and doesn't want to talk about anything in case it does?

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coppertop · 21/01/2005 11:57

No advice but didn't want to leave your thread without posting. Sorry you're going through all this. xxx

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tamum · 21/01/2005 11:58

Blimey, you poor girl. I'm really sorry you're having such an awful time

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nasa · 21/01/2005 11:58

so sorry to hear this toothache. Before this have you had a generally good relationship? Could it just be the stress of a new baby? You're both tired, never have any time for yourselves etc. I would go out on sat with an open mind and try and discuss things calmly (easier said than done I know).

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Kayleigh · 21/01/2005 11:59

oh toothache, you poor thing. What a horrible situation. Not very good at advice but sending you hugs. Really hope you can sort this out honey.

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Toothache · 21/01/2005 12:00

Hi Zubb - Thanks for replying so quickly. I have been really great after dd. He did go through a bit of that after I just had her. Everytime I got upset he would scream here we go again.... or something else as thoughtless and selfish. But I've felt really great, no depression.

Just sadness that DH finds it so hard to be pleasant towards me.... never mind affectionate. I think I'd settle for pleasant.

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dejags · 21/01/2005 12:00

Toothache - I have been wondering where you were. Sorry to hear things are rough.

My first reaction to your story was - you poor thing! He is being very hard on you, for apparently no reason. On reflection though, it might be a good thing that he has spoken through his feelings (crap that they hurt you so much though).

It seems that things have changed since you went from a family of three to a family of four (I may stand corrected). For some of us this change is a natural one which doesn't cause any stress - others (my DH included) have a harder time adapting to the change. I am in no way defending the crappy way he has treated you but have a little bit of experience with this because of we have also been through massive changes recently.

IMO I wouldn't walk away just yet - there are always ups and downs in a relationship, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's over.

I would try taking it one day at a time - take your turn on Saturday night to speak to him calmly. This sort of behaviour is not acceptable long term or good for the kids - I am sure he will see that.

Hope it works out for you.
dejags

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galaxy · 21/01/2005 12:01

toothache - just wanted to say sorry that you're feeling this way. No advice I'm afraid but have been through similar feelings myself before but kept them bottled up. (not with current dh)

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galaxy · 21/01/2005 12:02

Do you think he is seeking attention from you and maybe reassurance that you wont leave him. By him throwing nasty comments at you, he could be testing your loyalty/devotion. May sound odd but that's the reasons I was given in the past.

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Angeliz · 21/01/2005 12:02

Toothache, don't know what to say but wanted to say how sad i was to read your post!
I really hope things get easier for you soon+++

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aloha · 21/01/2005 12:06

Um, maybe a bit of counselling might help? It sounds as if he does love you but is saying things he doesn't really mean out of stress and that there are things he maybe dare not say to you about his own worries and fears because - perhaps - he's afraid of you getting PND. Also I do think it's hard work adjusting to a tiny new person in your home and some men really find the additional responsibility - emotional and financial quite overwhelming for a while. I'm NOT making excuses for the hurtful things he said, but maybe this is less about you than you fear, and much more about him. And maybe some Relate-type counselling could help you both air your feelings in a less emotional atmosphere. Good luck.

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Toothache · 21/01/2005 12:06

I find it incredible that he can shun my devastation to the side for a couple of days just coz he doesn't fancy talking about it.

The new baby has actually been surprisingly stressless. She's a good baby, unlike our ds. I go back to work on Monday and I'm dreading DH having to take a turn at getting up through the night if she or ds wakes. Twice I've asked him to give me a night off and BOY has he made me feel guilty about it the next day. I'm scared toask for his help as it always seems to much bother for him. You should've heard him the other day when I asked if he could check the back of the TV to see if the DVD was connected!

He has also stopped helping with the housework. TBH he used to do most of it, but since I went on Mat Leave I took over alot (understandibly). But I'm finding it hard to deal with it all and if I ask him to help he gets angry with me saying that he works! This was never an issue when I was working too. As I mentioned, I go back to work on Monday and I'll (hour for hour) have less time at home than he will, but with his temper lately I'm scared to ask him to help out like he used to.

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nasa · 21/01/2005 12:06

something else just occured to me tootache. When you had pnd, did your DH maybe feel slighly 'out' of it? by which I mean, did you get all the sympathy/attention etc? maybe he's just feeling a bit sorry for himself and it's manifesting itself as angry aimed at you? could be way off the mark but just a thought

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Angeliz · 21/01/2005 12:08

Toothache, could you possibly get out for an hour or two for a meal together?? Then you could talk without being interupted

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nasa · 21/01/2005 12:08

she's going out wiht him on sat angeliz

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Angeliz · 21/01/2005 12:09

Oh sorry!
Missed that line

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nnosam · 21/01/2005 12:09

hi toothache, i couldnt read this then leave without saying, that i hope that its just a faze that your dh is having, could it be that he feels useless and out of control. my dh felt left out and useless when i had ds and it went on for about 16 weeks. my dh said a lot of things that hurt, and he said them so as to upset me, in a spoilt child sort of way....
im really sorry for you and hope that you do manage to sort things out.

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galaxy · 21/01/2005 12:09

It does sound like he is having some sort of crisis emotionally if as you say this behaviour is totally out of character for him.

You really need to try and find some time to sit down with him and talk rationally and preferably without emotion about how he's making you feel. If you're going back to work on Monday, you need to ensure that he understands that you need to share the chores again.

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Toothache · 21/01/2005 12:14

We've discussed counselling and I really think he needs to hear from a stranger that he is being really unfair toward me. He's making me feel unattractive, frightened, insecure and pathetic. If I tell him that he justs gets angry and confrontational. He can't seem to, just once, do something to make me feel wanted by him. I have tried hinting, talking and have now stooped as low as to beg him to be nice to me. What's next. I'm too embarassed to tell my friends and family what's going on.

Thanks for all your advice. As always it helps to type it all out and to know people are 'listening'.

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batters · 21/01/2005 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

galaxy · 21/01/2005 12:19

I think he sounds like he needs professional help. YOu need to make it clear that his behaviour is making you depressed and unhappy and that you can't continue like this. Reassure him that you love him as he used to be but you can't like him the way he is.

Ask him to explain what he's so resentful about.

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Toothache · 21/01/2005 12:25

Nasa - When I had PND the only person that knew was DH. He said some pretty cruel things to me then too. But I just put it down to the fact that I was really low and perhaps I deserved them.... now I'm beginning to wonder if I had PND because of him!!

He is always angry me, I suppose that sums it up. If I talk about anything other than something trivial, or mundane (WHat should we have for dinner?, Oh you should heard what ds said to me today.... have you seen the weather etc etc) he usually reacts with anger.

If I ask anything of him whether it be physical or emotional he gets angry. I actually started to think he was having an affair, but realise that wasn't true. But I'm so insecure with the situation the way it is.

I know we'll go out for this meal, we'll talk about things, he'll say all the right things (textbook). We'll laugh at how silly we've been then carry on as before! He has a lot of ahead of him to allow me to believe that he trully is sorry and that this won't happen again. I just think it will. As long as I don't ask him to put more effort into the relationship he'll stay calm. But what if nothing changes? I'll be too scared to rock the boat again. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to carry on in this marriage and not expect anything from it other than 2 parents for the children. I am scared to invest anymore into this, I've lost a lot of self-respect trying to understand why he acts like he hates and resents me. I don't know how much I can take.

We'll see how it goes on Saturday, but at the moment I can't even look him in the eye I'm so ashamed of my begging. How can he possibly have any respect for me now.

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aloha · 21/01/2005 12:26

Are you going to try counselling? It sounds as if you really can't go on as you are.

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galaxy · 21/01/2005 12:28

oh toothache - there's obviously a huge problem here but you can't just put up with it and carry on. You deserve more than this. I found out the hard way that I was being manipulated and emotionally abused/blackmailed but I didn't have kids to worry about so I could walk away.

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Toothache · 21/01/2005 12:28

Thanks everyone. He won't be home until 8pm tonight so at least I have a few hours to try to pick myself up and give myself a shake.

Batters - I've missed MN too.

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