Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
How can I fix what has gone? So very sad(13 Posts)
New name for posting as dh sometimes reads the odd thread.
I deeply deeply love my DH and he loves me.
We do not argue and are very very very good friends and laugh a lot together, I adore being with him, could not be without him he is a super dad and step dad and takes really good care of us, he is affectionate and loving and generous and kind.
But- What makes me so very sad is this.
I have gone off kissing him and the idea of sex makes me go cold.
Since we had dd (2)it went off the boil as it often does, but my desire has just fallen into a black hole.
He still wants me all the time, my turning him down (every day) is making me feel so guilty and he knows something is wrong, he is terrified I am going off him and will leave. He knows I pull away when he wants to kiss me and I know it must hurt him.
I know I could pretend but that would make me deeply unhappy as our relationship is based on trust and openness
I have explained to him I have no sex drive,he is pretty understanding and respectful, we do it (make love/sex) maybe once a week and it is never spontaneous, although I always "come" -he mentions sex a lot and is always making jokey saucy innuendoes which I used to love, now it makes me think, why can't he just think of something else. I do still fancy him rotten - i know that, I just cannot put my finger on what the problem is. I am sure it is my libido as I have no desire to even "do it myself alone" anymore whereas i know I used to!
Has anyone any clue on how I can put this part of our relationship back together? It is making me depressed during the day I feel like an imposter living here as his wife at the moment.
And god forbid should anyone recognise me I will die so please pretend you don't if you figure me out.
romantic dinner, candles and lots of booze always did it for me ...( not trying to be flipant, but it has worked in the past). Sometimes all it takes a a few great times together to kick start things again ... (not much help, i know, sorry)
Oh no poor you. Are you on any pills or anything? Still breastfeeding? Not exercising? (grasping at straws) Is there any reason you can think of that might be causing you to feel so crap about sex?
no pills, not breastfeeding,
exercising HA HA not me!
And booze doesn;t work, it makes me flirty when he gets home from work but then zeros out later on at bedtime.
I am not iron deficient or ill or anything.
I know we need some time away alone together, I keep asking, but it's simply impossible right now for us to get away even for one night.
I keep telling myself to snap out of it to no avail
Thankseveryone. I/we do use sex toys when we do have sex, I only ever used to use it for going solo, but now I think how would I summon up the desire without the toy If you know what I mean.
He came home last night after being away and just writing what I wrote last night made me look really hard at what was causing it, I figure I get so tense worrying about how to turn him down nicely that I never consider accepting and relaxing
I relaxed and went with it last night and it was really perfect, but I was in tears afterwards as it made me really emotional.
To be continued... we'll see
it's one of those things where the more you worry about it, the more you worry, IYSWIM. It can easily build up into a massive issue where you don't even want to talk about it.
Obviously you need to be as open and honest about your feelings as possible with your DH. He sounds like a gem anyway, so although it probably is a little difficult for him to take rejection, he can probably understand. Reassure him it's not desire for him that's gone, but desire full stop.
I think a lot of people - both women and men - have this problem at some point. There are lots of reasons for it. Could you be depressed? Depression can really cause libido to disappear, although ironically so can the ADs often used to treat the depression.
Are you worried about something else? Do you maybe feel a bit as though everyone always wants a piece of you - looking after the kids, running the house, maybe holding down a job as well... it can be very hard when you're that busy not to just want to flop for the few moments you have to yourself in the evenings.
It sounds a cliche, but if you could get a night away together sans kids, that might help a little
Failing all of the above, maybe see your GP, who might be able to offer some other suggestions. There are a few physical causes for this kind of thing as well, I think.
Crazy: I'm really pleased that you had a good evening. Crying after sex is totally normal for some people some times. It's an emotional thing.
Crazy......this is my life!!!! This is exactly how I have been to my dh and the thing is, when I keep turning him down, it makes him so horny so he keeps going on about sex!! I woke up the other morning and he brought me coffe in bed, bless!! so I gave him a big hug, he assumed I wanted sex and I said no....he then got huffy, said I was a tease and was not to come near him again unless it was gonna lead to sex!!! This would usually make me mad, but it made me realise that although I don't want sex all the time, sometimes I could just go with the flow as it pleases him.
I did sit down and explain how much I loved him, but was just missing a sex drive right now and if he could just try to understand, then I would try a little harder to say yes sometimes. Up to now, it seems to be working.
Sorry, I've waffled. I hope I was some help
Hi Crazy, although it doesn't come up in your threads, i wondered if there was an affection/sex thing going on. I know I sometimes get really pissed off as the only time he touches me is because he wants to have sex and although i love sex I'd like some of the cuddly affectionate stuff at other times.
I think in the self help books when one of you goes of it they suggest taking it slow,
doing stuff together and completly removing sex from the equation so you can both relax, him not trying and you not thinking of how to get out of it.
going on a date (if you can, or a romantic meal in if you can't)
cuddling and kissing, you know how you used to make out when mum and dad left you alone together.
then stroking and massaging each other
etc, etc and I think it's like 1 week for each of these for about 6 weeks..... I have to admit whenever we've tried to go back to this it doesn't last for 6 weeks, but it gets us over the hurdle.
I have been where you are. I must have the lowest sex-drive imaginable at times and dh is always pestering (that is how I feel about it) me for sex and I don't feel like it. Recently, against all expectation, my sex drive has improved. I use a lot of fantasy, a certain amount of wifely duty (same as cleaning the loo or washing socks - I must do it) and hope to goodness that when we get started, the old love and desire will kick in.
I know this is not what you want to hear, but I can only suggest you try the same and hope that your libido returns.
Join the discussion
Please login first.