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Feeling Alone

(16 Posts)
melon1 Tue 11-Jan-05 13:17:17


I am a new mum with a dd (4 months) and I'm feeling very isolated! DD developed eczema at 2 months, and I have received lots of advice from Mumsnetters about this, but I would just love to have a chat with someone who isn't boyfriend! He is at work all day, all my friends work, I don't drive, so it's usually just me and dd (even when bf is off work he's usually not here - I sometimes wonder if he's actually noticed there is a baby on the scene!) I've spent so much time trying to sort dd's eczema out, bf hasn't contributed at all, and all I get when I ask for some help (not just with the eczema, he's only got up twice in the night since she was born, and that was with a lot of huffing and puffing) is the reply "You're her mum" - is it just me? I can't really talk to friends about it because it's embarrassing and they would fall out with bf over it - Does anyone else have this problem?

pinkmama Tue 11-Jan-05 13:20:27

Hi Melon1, I don't have that problem, but so sorry you do. No wonder you feel alone. Does your bf's behaviour surprise you? How was he during pregnancy? If its not too personal, did you plan the baby? Just wondered if there might be underlying reason why he being this way.

melon1 Tue 11-Jan-05 13:30:26

Hi Pinkmama

Yes, the baby was planned - I feel like I can't really complain that much because I've always known what he was like - we've been together 5 years and I've always known that he does have a selfish streak, but I thought that might change when dd arrived. It hasn't - he loves to have cuddles with her, but I do all the feeding, bathing etc. I also do all the housework and ironing. I don't mind so much while I'm on maternity leave, but I'm going back to work in six weeks and I don't think I can cope with everything - physically or mentally.

pinkmama Tue 11-Jan-05 13:33:56

I don't think you are wrong to complain. My dh is very thoughtful, but have to say there were times in those first weeks when I felt like screaming at him. Do you get support from anyone else? Family or friends? It is hard if you are doing it all, especially if you don't feel you can have a rant to anyone else about it. Have you talked to BF about it. I know you say you knew what he was like, but we all have to change some bits of ourselves once kids arrive, and he is going to have to change too. Maybe he doesn't realise just what its like.

gothicmama Tue 11-Jan-05 13:38:19

melon1 to give yousome hope dh never got with dd at night she is now 4. she has decided she feels lonely at night so for teh last three nights dh has slept on teh floor in her room mainly because I am so stressed out about an essay I have to do I just said to him you deal with it something I never let him do when she was little. Perhaps you could ask him to babysit so you can get out but really it will alow him sometime to get to know your dd

melon1 Tue 11-Jan-05 13:39:08

I don't really like to tell family or friends - they worry about it and, like I said, would tell bf to buck his ideas up! I think there may be some big rows coming up about sharing childcare and housework, but I can give as good as I get! Thanks for listening Pinkmama, it's nice to know I'm not alone!

melon1 Tue 11-Jan-05 13:41:02

I think you've probably got a point gothicmama - I think he's at a bit of a loss as to what to do with her at the moment - because I'm at home with her I've just had to get on with it. I really hope he'll get more involved as she gets older and he can play with her more.

lilsmum Tue 11-Jan-05 13:42:24

melon1, god its scary!! u sound exactly like me, my dp is good (sometimes) at playing and cluddling dd (11.5 mth) but i have always done everything.... put her to bed, baths, feeds (if he gives her dinner he gets stressed )getting her dressed/undressed...everything, my dd also has eczema so we could be living the same life completely!!! lol.feel free to email me anytime for a

pinkmama Tue 11-Jan-05 13:42:37

You aren't alone. But I don't think it would be bad idea for him to be told to buck his ideas up. Not just because you could do with help, but because he is really missing out on a lovely time of getting to know his daughter. Gothicmama's idea of getting him to babysit whilst you go out is a good one. If oyu can't face this at night, what about just a coffee with friends on a Saturday afternoon or something.

lilsmum Tue 11-Jan-05 13:45:23

must add i understand about not wanting to tell friends/family because they cant seperate them selves from it, and they have to say something. its very hard.but like i said if you want email me and we can moan to each other lol xxx

melon1 Tue 11-Jan-05 13:50:46

Thanks Lilsmum - it's nice to know I'm not the only one! bf is quite a stressy person - I went to the cinema a couple of weeks ago with friends and asked!!! bf to bath dd and put her to bed - got a phonecall at 9.00pm asking what time am I coming home, she won't stop crying (probably because he was being stressy and she was picking up on it) If I go out I usually have to take her with me. It's been worse trying to deal with the eczema alone - it really doen't seem to affect bf whilst I get so frustrated and stressed out about it - if it was down to him she'd be covered head to foot.

princesspeahead Tue 11-Jan-05 14:01:07

melon1, if you think about it, it isn't surprising your bf is stressed about looking after her if he doesn't get much chance to do it. little babies are stressful if you don't have any experience of them - eg he may not be very good at feeding her, but once he has done it 5 times, he'll be fine. I know just what you are going through - I was similar in that I sort of felt that only I could do all those things for my dd properly - but having that sort of attitude only knocks their confidence more. I think you should get him to bathe her first, because it is quite fun and it also comes at that time of the day where you just want to hand her over and put your feet up. so if you say to your dh "right, you bath dd, I'm going out/watching eastenders/whatever" then he'll be fine, and he'll have more confidence for the next time. And if he says "but I don't know what to do!" say "look, you'll be fine, just get her wet, don't leave her for a second, and put on this babygro at the end" he'll realise it isn't such a big deal. And then maybe you'll be able to persuade him that doing other things for his dd can be fun and not difficult too.

PlainFlum Tue 11-Jan-05 14:05:38

Re: Night wakings yes. DP has got up about 3 times. DD is 11 months. That is only since I went back to work in Sept.

don't expect too much help from blokes then you won't be dissappointed.

You should try and get out though. I know its cheesy but baby groups can be nice and lead to friendships.

PlainFlum Tue 11-Jan-05 14:12:25

The only way they get confident with the bambinos is to leave them too it.

I did it by going shopping, accidentally letting mobile battery run out, and not coming back for 5 hours.

But even now if I leave her with him it is hilarious (kind of) because he forgets to give her tea or to get her to have a nap then wonders why she is crying - duh.

And he never remembers to give her drinks of water. I keep telling him if he has a drink eg a coffee he must give her some water or milk too.

They do seem to bond over their mutual love of international darts though!

When she was tiny I used to go out and leave her covered in 'post it'notes saying: 'Feed me at noon' 'Put me down for a nap at 2' etc etc.

I thought it was cheeky but he loves it coz he knows what to do and when.

She pulls the post its off now though

melon1 Tue 11-Jan-05 15:15:27

Plainflum, you've made me lol! They sound like good tips!

lulupop Tue 11-Jan-05 19:30:35

if it makes you feel any better, I find most of my friends' dhs/dps find it hard to know what to do with kids when they are still babies. Babies are great for cuddles and so on, but when they cry, there's no reasoning with them and I think a lot of men find it hard to know what to do. They are afraid of doing the wrong thing, so they do nothing, safe in the knowledge that you are always there to take action yourself.

When the babies get bigger and start to talk, most dads come into their own a bit more. That probably seems a long way off right now, so in the meantime, I'd say you should talk about it with your dp, let him know you need a bit of time off every so often, and then when you do go off on yr own, leave comprehensive instructions for everything. I mean everything. That way, he doesn't have to follow them if he doesn't want to, but at least you've offered him to information you find works for you.

My kids are 3 yrs old and 8 months. I recently had to leave them with their dad for 24 hours, and when I printed off my instructions, it was 2 pages of A4. I did freak out a bit about being a control freak, but he loved it as it was all there for him. And I had a nice time at the hairdressers and a whole night's sleep in my bed in my parents' house if only I cld move back there permanently, life would be perfect!

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