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(7 Posts)
bonkerz Sun 09-Jan-05 18:33:14

Ok this is generally a rant thing cos im not really bothered if im being unreasonable!!

My MIL on the whole is great! We have had our disagreements and big arguments but have always brushed over them and carried on. I know she wasnt keen on dh and i getting married and has voiced all her opinions including telling me that the only woman dh has and will ever loved was an ex he had 7 years ago!!

Ok, heres the problem. DH has a daughter with his exp whom i love dearly and we have her with us loads! DHs exp also had another daughter who is 7 and used to stay with us once a month. Things got quite awkward with (lets call her V). V started saying stuff to her mum like that she was being left with ds and dsd whgich was total lies and in the end we stopped her from coming to stay. This was in OCT 2003. Since then every 4 or 5 months MIL arranges to have V to stay with her which is fine by me. DH no longer sees V and when he does she isnt bothered by him and generally has to be prompted to say hello!
The last 2 times that MIL has had V to stay she has asked me to pick her up and have at her mine as she has had things to do and has asked me to have her till she is ready to collect her! I have refused once but i did look after V for a few hours last time she visited which was awful as she was getting ds and dsd over excited and telling me i wasnt allowed to tell her off or tell dsd off either! We just dont get along! As far as she is concerned my house was her mummys house and i shouldnt be here!

Yesterday MIL rang and asked if on 14th we could pick up V and DSD (would be due to pick up dsd anyway) I dont mind bringing V back here if she was being picked up immediately but MIL wants me to keep her till 10pm so i said no. She then went all quiet and said fine and put the phone down. I dont feel im being unreasonable as i need to get ds and dsd into bed at a reasonable hour and i know V will over excite them and they will be up all night. I also feel that if MIL really wants to see V then she should be arranging her own pick ups and drop offs and making sure she is available to care for her.

Dh says he is in the middle but understands that i dont need the extra stress of another child to care for as im 10 weeks pregnant. Im just fed up of it now and know that V only comes to MIL cos she goes home with bags of new clothes and toys and sweets etc... Im not the only one to be annoyed by this. My SIL also thinks that MIL buys Vs affections and thinks that V wouldnt want to go to MILs if she didnt get all the presents! I have to face my MIL tomorrow as have organised to meet for coffeee but dont know if i should try and explain my feelings to her. The last time we spoke about V we ended up arguing till 4 in the morning and she said alot of nasty things which we have just sort of brushed under the carpet.

OK sorry about it being so long and thanks for reading!

lulupop Sun 09-Jan-05 18:39:03

sounds like a real pain in the neck.

just to get something straight, am i right in thinking V is no blood relation to your MIL, but more like a (former) step-grandchild?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, and frankly, even if V WAS a blood relation, if your MIL wants to see her so much, what's with all the "Bonkerz can you pick her up/drop her off?" etc?

I just don't get that. If she wants to see her, why doesn't she find the time to see her?

bonkerz Sun 09-Jan-05 18:45:20

You are right and V is not a blood relative but she is a step grand daughter.

DH cared for her for 2 years but was not a dad as she had a dad who saw her alot!

DH and i are trying to concentrate on our family now and not his past and unfortunately MIL thinks that we should include V in our family and that i should accept her a another SD which i did try to do initially but it didnt work as i couldnt discipline her or anything as she wasnt mine or DHs daughter!

MIL always makes such a big fuss about seeing V and last year actually had V to stay at her house more than she did my ds ( dh has adopted my ds and ds has taken his name so i see my ds as her real grandchild.)

bonkerz Sun 09-Jan-05 19:21:55

Yurtgirl Sun 09-Jan-05 19:43:41

Message withdrawn

bonkerz Sun 09-Jan-05 19:45:19

thanks yurtgirl! It is very difficult especially as MIL doesnt understand!

Caligula Sun 09-Jan-05 20:16:22

Sorry, but I think it sounds like your MIL is just trying to do her best to make sense of modern relationships. OK, so V is no blood relationship to her, but then again, your ex'es DD is no blood relationship to you, but you still accept her, don't you? And V is DD's blood relative, so is part of your DH's and MIL's family, however tenuous and however uncomfortable.

Sorry for your discomfort, but I think your MIL is in a tricky position which is very difficult to navigate. It sounds to me like she's trying to be fair to V and not exclude her because of lack of blood ties, which tbh I find rather admirable. I've read too many threads of MIL's and grandparents spending £200 on wonderful christmas presents for one child and not buying anything for another, because of "blood links".

But yes it must be rather irritating for you, and I don't want to belittle how difficult your position is as well. Nothing to advise, really, just that these relationships are a long hard slog for everyone involved and I hope it's not too stressful for you.

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