Threatened dh with divorce today because of MIL!!!!!!!

[DWvsMIL]

I know this was a severe overeaction on my part but I have been biting my lip and putting up with her snide remarks since dd was born almost 9 years ago while dh says nothing in my defence and something inside me just snapped today.

I have taken the subject up with dh before and we have had arguments about this in the past but it is as if today was the straw that broke the camel's back IYKWIM. I try to rise above things but this has been going on for sooooo long.

Today was FIL's birthday and I made a huge effort as always with nice presents and things. MIL was talking about how long DH and I had been together and said to DH "and you've stuck it for 11 years with all of that to put up with" nodding in my direction. DH said nothing. then she said to him "why aren't you saying anything? Are you worried you are going to incriminate yourself?" and he replied "no, I've got nothing to say"..................least he could of said is "well actually I have been very happy" but he said nothing.

The problem that I have is that this aside, we are very happily married, so why let his mum stick in the knife?. We hardly ever have arguments like this and when we do it's usually his mum that is the cause. In every other way he is the perfect dh and dad.

When we dropped dd off at music lesson I let rip. He doesn't understand why I am bothered. He says he can ignore it so why can't I. I threw my wedding rings at him and told him that I wanted to be married to a man, not a little boy who can't defend his wife from his mother's verbal abuse! AIBU

[Hecate]

No. Well, maybe to threaten divorce! but not to feel bloody angry that he doesn't stand up for you. By not saying anything, he is giving her the message that he agrees with what she's saying!

He is your husband and that means that he should ALWAYS defend you to everyone - even his mother! - and even if there was a situation where you did something and privately he thought you were wrong, he should STILL defend you to other people. Because that's what being married means. It is you two against the world. He needs to understand this.

You could get your mother to slag him off to you while he stands there, and see how he likes it. - or at least put that situation to him.

It doesn't even matter if he can't see why it bothers you, it should be enough for him to hear that it does bother you. That alone should make him act.

I hope you show him this thread.

He is letting you down.

[suzywong]

you aren't being very subtle, but you ANBU

surely far better to let revenge be a dish served cold; tamper with her brakes or get dh stoned/drunk/jacked up on his biggest sexual fantasy and video him trash talking his mother and send her a little link to youtube.

Good luck

[dizzydixies]

maybe he is feeling stuck between a rock and hard place and staying quiet for an easy life?

I would be livid though and frankly stop making an effort, she sounds like a poisonous, jealous, evil witch who is not worth bothering about

if she makes her feelings about you that blatantly obvious then she won't care if you tell dh to visit them/sort presents/make efforts on his own as frankly you're not going to anymore

no point in letting her win by splitting up you and dh though

[Simply]

Quick answer? Are you being unreasonable? No. Definitely not.

Quick rant following. How dare she speak to you and about you like that? He should be sticking up for you and you're right to tell him off for not defending you. What reasons does she give for you being something to "put up with"? If he can't understand why you're bothered then he's either very stupid (sorry to be so blunt) or he's in denial (much more likely. His Mum doesn't sound the sort of person who is easy to talk to or get to see reason). Point out to him also that it was HIS Dad's b/d and YOU made a huge effort with nice presents. That makes you a very nice daughter in law (at least in part - I know there's more to it than giving presents a couple of times a year) doesn't it?

[dizzydixies]

actually - ignore me, go with suzywongs suggestion - genius

[SubRosa]

YANBU. I know exactly how you feel, I had the same, except it was from FIL who was a nasty, bitter old man. Maybe it's a repetition of childhood patterns and they're still unable to stand up to their parents?

Sorry I can't offer any practical advice. Hope you feel better (not quite the right word..?) for letting rip.

[poppy34]

yabu to be offended. It may be that your dh is so used to your mother being obnoxious that he doesnt notice anymore or react in the same way. That said either he should stick up for you or back you up if you should feel free to say something suitably assertive (not aggressive) along the lines of I am dh's wife adn mother of your grandchild and will be treated with civility and respect.. What does FIL do when this kind of thing goes on?
I think at the very least he needs to understand and support you -its not just upsetting for you but what does it look like when she says this kind of thing in front of your dd?

[nametaken]

You simply need to avoid them. Your dh can take the kids to see his parents you don't need to be there. Nor do you need to buy their gifts.

If it is ever unavoidable and you absolutely have to mix with them then make sure this is only ever done in your home. Surely she won't be rude enough to critisize you in your own home whilst accepting your hospitality.

[DWvsMIL]

Problem is suzywong.......she doesn't drive or use the internet.......otherwise I'd have both spanner and camcorder in hand as we speak .

Hecate - you speak perfect snece and i might just show him this thread. Thank you.

Simply - I try to be a nice DIL, I am always nice to them, cook them meals etc, make an even bigger effort on special occasions like Christmas and birthdays. On the surface we seem to have a good relationship but it's these remarks that she makes. She makes out that they are in jest and always laughs them off but it doesn't seem all that funny to me.

[suzywong]

ah
well in that case next time you're alone with her call her a poisonous old C*&t in between the sentences

"would you like a cup of tea?"
"You P O C"
" and a hob nob to dip in it?"

then act like you didn't say anything at all and she'll never ever know if she could believe her ears or not.

[DWvsMIL]

Poppy - FIL very passive. Doesn't bat an eyelid. He is never guilty of making such comments but sense that if DH made a stand he would stick up for MIL, nobody is allowed to upset her. Shame DH didn't take a leaf out of his father's book eh?

[dizzydixies]

rofl @ suzywong

[poppy34]

yes she sounds hilarious -just love her sense of humour .

sounds like steering clear as far as possible the best route forward.

and also if FIL not saying anything sounds like he does appreciate the nice efforts you make - I am impressed as not sure I would be that charitable!

[DWvsMIL]

Poppy I feel that I have to make the effort. They are my DH's parents and my dd's grandparents. If I didn't I would be the ungreatful because they are so helpful with dd and think the world of her. They are the sort of couple that can't do enough for other people, us included. My mum lives abroad so is not on hand to babysit etc. They do everything that you would want grandparents to do and in that respect they are the perfect in laws. (other times MIL thinks she knows best and interferes way too much and undermines me but as per I keep my mouth shut). Do you think it is optimistic of me to think that she maybe does think she is being funny?

[poppy34]

well not sure about what she said today being funny but maybe she really does think she is being funny (god knows my mil doesn't ever realise when she is being completely tactless). Is your dh her only son ? could be her so called jokes are hiding the usual mil thing about no one being good enough for her

[DWvsMIL]

poppy - He has an older brother who is approaching 40 and incapable of doing anything for himself because MIL cannot cut the apron strings. They even did his grocery shopping for him this morning. He has had a string of failed relationships.

[poppy34]

can see how that pattern of relationships might continue if that is what his life is like...

I really do think its great how you are doing the right thing by them and being so generous when she can act like that (and I'm sure there is something in what you say - even if she doesnt think she is being funny, I bet she has no idea of fact that she creates such havoc as sounds like that impact is only seen by you and dh when you row about her).

[theUrbanNixie]

What did your dh say when you threw your wedding ring at him? That you should ignore it?

I totally understand where you're coming from wrt being married to a man, not a mummy's boy who can't stand up to her - my dh stands up to his mother when we're together but is then cowed and mumbles when we're in her shadow prescence.

And Suzy - thanks - you just made me spit Coke all over my laptop with the POC post. genius!

[DWvsMIL]

When I talked to friends about BIL a while back and mentioned apron strings not being cut etc. one friend said "sound to me like they never severed the umbilical cord" it really is beyond ridiculous sometimes.

You're right, she has no idea the impact she has. I'm determined that she doesn't see it because I fear that if her actions are deliberate then it will only give her some kind of satisfaction.

[theUrbanNixie]

I know this sounds horrible - but what will he do when his mother dies? It's bound to happen sooner or later, and better he can be independent before that day!

I knew someone (my ex-P's sister's boyfriend, sorry for the tenuous connection) whose mother did EVERYTHING for him, and one day he tried to make a bacon sandwich by putting the bread and the bacon in the toaster, and set the kitchen on fire!

[DWvsMIL]

ooops missed suzy's post. LOL she would die if I used the C word! She doesn't like me drinking french lager out of a bottle in summer at BBQ etc.....I should get a glass it's not what ladies do you know.

[DWvsMIL]

I'm soooooo glad dh is more independent than his brother. don't think we'd have ever got married if he was anything like brother. Maybe she also has a problem with this. Until recently Dh and I tended to equally share parenting duties (bathtimes, homework, bedtime stories etc) cooking and housework. He will happily stand and iron for hours on end . We both worked full time and I earned the higher wage but I tend to do more around the home now because I'm taking a career break to spend more time with dd and study towards some further qualifications. Decided it was a well earned break after 4 successive miscarriages and a long spell of bad health and needed to have a shuffle of priorities. Maybe she thought her DS should have married someone who would wait on him hand and foot for all eternity

[ruva]

Are you sure we dont share the same mil, having said that my dh said his mom will never change and that i should live with it, her hubby always sides with his wife i have thrown them out of my house 3 times in six months but they always come back as son is an only child, my aunt gave me this advice she said don't involve your dh you should have it out with the mother as the son will be torn, i know its hard as i always say to dp you mom said this--keep it between you and her. she talks to my son *8 weeks like he is an adult-its a hard world, your life is cushy blah blah she will be talking about me i know i just walk away.
good luck-

[MeMySonAndI]

Have you thought about Relate?

MIL definitively hammered a wedge between the 2 of us and eventually... well, I'm sorry not to be more positive but.. the thing is that the lack of reaction of exH made me wonder if he was the man I thought he was. (I may be naive, but I always thought that I couldn't be with someone who allowed anybody to walkover and wipe her feet with his wife)

I also had the hair that broke the camel's back, that was about 3 years ago, I could never saw him in the same way after that, and with time (and more mil's interference) we split last year.

[DWvsMIL]

I showed him this thread last night.......asked him if he'd care for a few neutral outsiders' perspectives. I think he really took it all in to be honest (although he says some of you are plain evil think he might have been referring to suzywongs post........... don't know about you ladies but I thought that was just sound advise at least it was the sort of light relief I needed in the middle of all yestaerday's worries)

He spent all of last night apologising but at the same time said that he realised that being sorry was not enough and that in future he needs to make a stand where his mother's behaviour is concerned. We were supposed to be going for out today with them for FIL's birthday but I really didn't feel like it. I burned my hand quite badly this morning and it really hurts but it has given me an excuse not to go. After yesterday I really can't be doing with having to put up with anything today. Dh and Dd have gone at my insistance, there is no reason why this should put the dampeners on his dad's birthday celebrations.

I can just imagine MIL to dd when he tells her I've burned myself. "Isn't mummy stupid" . Wonder what dh's reply would be today eh?