I'm going to blow at him in a minute and may say something I regret

[BubblesDeVere]

Generally dh and I have a good relationship, we get on really well and have a laugh etc, but, when he is due to start work its like another person has taken over.

He works weird shifts and has a few days off at a time and then back for 4 days. The day before his first day shift, we daren't speak to him as he is grumpy, moody and flies of the handle with the kids at the slightest thing, sometimes he is only in from work 10 minutes and he shouts at the kids.

When it;s the day of his first night shift, my god, the old dh isn't there anymore, he went to bed this afternoon for a nap as he usually does before his first night shift (never sleeps just sits watching tele and reading papers), he has just come down and as all kids do they follow their mummy and daddy about, my two do because their daddy works such long hours. Anyway youngest followed him into the kitchen and he screamed 'LEAVE ME ALONE' scared the poor little mite to death, she then jumped in my arms sobbing.

5 minutes before, dd1 & dd2 were playing, dd1 was being mean to dd2 and instead of getting off his arse and sorting it, he knelt down in front of her screamed 'LEAVE YOUR SISTER A F***g LONE', for gods sake she is only 5, he scared her witless too.

He won't sit in the kitchen and eat his tea at the breakfast bar as he wants to watch the tele, he's just a different person when he is at work.

I am either going to say something I'll regret later or tell him from now on until he changes his ways to stay at his mothers when he is on nights. She lives nearer to his work than i do.

[amynnixmum]

What would his mum say to that?

[vict17]

Is there any chance he can get another job? Or how about an anger management course?

[BubblesDeVere]

His mother is an intefering old bat at the best of time and secretly deep down she doesn't think I'm good enough for her son and wouldn't really mind if he stopped there, they have a spare room. I have mentioned anger management to him before but he refuses saying its just work and the kids won't leave him alone.

[BubblesDeVere]

Vict17, he won't consider getting a new job as he has been there 25 years and is very secure.

[tillykins]

He's their daddy, it would be heartbreaking if they did leave him alone

I'm so sorry you have this to deal with, it must be horribly stressful. I would arrange to have a meal out or similar, when he isn't working and then try to discuss it with him

Good luck

[amynnixmum]

Its a tough one if he wont get help. Will he talk to you about it? Could the children go to a friends for a couple of hours so you can sit down and really tell him how you feel about all this?
Failing that - let his mum have him on those nights

[BubblesDeVere]

Tillykins, I know it may seem like I have to answer to everything, but, i have tried it but he turns it all round and ends up making me feel guilty, plus if he starts to feel that I am having a go he gets very cocky and obnoxious, a couple of my friends have seen this first hand.

[tillykins]

Gosh Bubbles, I didn't mean you had to answer for everything at all, honestly I didn't. I think you are being a saint putting up with this type of behaviour, I would be totally stressed out if I felt I was walking on eggshells all the time

[BubblesDeVere]

Tillykins, no I know you didn't say that, its just that I don't want to appear as if I have thats all.

[Casmie]

Bubbles - it does sound like messing with his sleeping patterns affects him particularly badly. I know he's been there 25 years - but is there not a sideways move in the company he could take?

Sounds a horrible situation that is making you all miserable. Hope you can find something that works

[BubblesDeVere]

I wish there was but don't think there is to be honest, he is at the middle of the ladder where jobs are safe, if he goes any higher he has to sign a yearly contract which they sometimes dont renew.

[Casmie]

Does sound then that you're going to have to find some sort of coping strategy around the shift thing, then. I hate to say it, but if he can't modify his behaviour then the staying with his mum while on nights looks like the best of the bunch so far.

hugs not easy.

[zebra]

Crazy idea: what if you got a video camera & kept it running the day before he started work? Then when he's got his long spell off work, show him the video, and ask "Do we really have to put up with you beinglike this?" Maybe it would shock him into doing something about it.

[Cha]

Maybe telling him that he HAS to go to his mum's house the day before he goes back to work will be a way of making him see how horrible his behaviour is. I have a bloke v much like yours (can't talk, won't listen - especially if he knows that if he did, he would have to CHANGE) and I found that the only way he 'hears' how p*ed off I am is when I lay down the law. I have been known to once or twice (without warning) take me and the kids off to stay at a friends. I just left a note explaining that the way he has behaved is not acceptable and that we will not accept it. After just 24 hours of missing us and thinking what an eejit he'd been, he is contrition itself and does modify his behaviour.
With men like ours, IMHO, it is actions rather than words (which they call nagging and ignore) that work. Just a suggestion but why not pack an overnight bag ready for next time he does it and tell him that's what you want him to do and why. Stuff what his mum thinks, you're looking out for your kids - and you can tell her this. Sorry - just read my post and I sound fearfully strident, but hell, it's hard work living with men sometimes . All the best Bubbles x

[BubblesDeVere]

Good idea Zebra, and cha you are right living with men is hard work, 'you can't live with em, you can't kill em' , he knows he's in the doghouse as i haven't spoken to him at all