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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I think this may be the end of us, please help before it is all too late

(48 Posts)
secur Fri 07-Jan-05 11:32:57

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littlemissbossy Fri 07-Jan-05 11:34:35

Secur, have you discussed this with him? can you?

karenanne Fri 07-Jan-05 11:34:52

secur- have no advice im afraid but just to let you know im thinking of you

lunavix Fri 07-Jan-05 11:35:26

I have no idea what I can say, just know that I care and someone will come with some advice {{{{hugs}}}}

MrsBigD Fri 07-Jan-05 11:36:16

sorry I really do not have any advice for you but thought I'd send you some {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} as it definitely sounds you need them.

I'm a person who goes on gut feeling, so if there is the slightest doubt in your mind that he might have been interfering with dd2 I would try and make him talk/listen. I know easier said than done.

I hope you'll get some good advice from other MNers, which I'm sure you will.

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

secur Fri 07-Jan-05 11:37:35

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Gomez Fri 07-Jan-05 11:39:08

Oh Secur I am so sorry. I can't I am afraid offer any real advice. Is DH starting to question your lack of love life at all? Do you think if you dealt with the style of your love making that would help you overcome the 'what if?' scenarios. Sorry I am just thinking out loud here and probably not helping. I am sure the collective wisdom of mumsnet can provide some concerte advise soon.

oatcake Fri 07-Jan-05 11:39:23

aw mate. didn't want to pass through and ignore what you'd written, although I'm useless and have no advice whatsoever.

I too have not had a proper sex life since pregnancy (despite last night...) and I will, once I get a moment, go to relate but the thought of it churns me up. However, I'm afraid that's the only way to go unless there's a mumsnetter who is a trained counsellor and can advise...

secur Fri 07-Jan-05 11:40:02

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dietingdottee Fri 07-Jan-05 11:40:24

OMG Secur - I'm so sorry and I'm thinking of you. I'll see how this thread goes and come back to you. <<<Hugs>>>

It won't be for a while as I'm away this weekend but you'll be on my mind.

Take care and rest easy xxx

lunavix Fri 07-Jan-05 11:40:53

This is just a thought, if you are still doubting him and having problems in your head, it's possible those doubts might never go. I know this isn't the most positive thing to say, and he could just be a victim of such a bad circumstance, but if you have these doubts forever, it will eat away at you.

FatFluckerFio Fri 07-Jan-05 11:42:22

he has to discuss it with you though secur.

Tbh, i would suggest you have to have some kind of counselling, really I do. It is a big thing to just sweep under the carpet, especially as he is not your eldest dd's dad - i can understand how you feel totally. You poor thing {{{{{}}}}}}

littlemissbossy Fri 07-Jan-05 11:42:44

Secur, it may be difficult for both of you to discuss, but you're going to have to give it a go. If you don't, these feelings of doubt will fester until you can't take any more. Sorry, this may seem a bit personal, but doesn't he question you about the problems with your sex life?

secur Fri 07-Jan-05 11:42:56

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oatcake Fri 07-Jan-05 11:43:38

you can go to relate on your own first of all, to sort your own head out.

secur Fri 07-Jan-05 11:43:40

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secur Fri 07-Jan-05 11:46:02

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Gomez Fri 07-Jan-05 11:48:33

Secur - when the situation was rectified last year how was it left - what I mean was did you and DH have a 'big' conversation about the whole thing or was it a 'well that's that sorted approach'. Whilst I appreciate that you feel it will destroy him to go over this again and hear your feeling it is going to destory you both plus potentially your 4 kids if you don't get it sorted so I think a bit hard talking is required -sorry to be harsh.

On the love making front - were you happy before all this blew up?

littlemissbossy Fri 07-Jan-05 11:52:36

Secur, counselling could be the answer. The whole point of counselling is to accept what has happened in your life and in your case, come to terms with the decisions you made, for you to move on and look forward to a future with your dh. Oatcake is right, it could be a good start for you to go on your own. You could always go to your GP to ask for you to be referred to a counsellor.

mum2twins Fri 07-Jan-05 11:53:40

Oh Secur, what a dreadful situation. Could your HV or GP(if she/he is aware of what happened) refer you to someone to talk to. Surely you could be offered some kind of counselling. Maybe it would be better for you to talk alone before you involve dh. Has he ever mentioned it since?

secur Fri 07-Jan-05 11:56:52

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secur Fri 07-Jan-05 11:58:51

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oatcake Fri 07-Jan-05 12:01:04

Having looked into it myself, depending on where you go, you only make your own donation rather than pay a full wack hour's fee.

secur Fri 07-Jan-05 12:11:27

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anorak Fri 07-Jan-05 12:21:27

secur, sweetie, what you and dh went through last year was just awful. I do understand how you feel. Any mother would worry about this. And there is a difference between knowing something intellectually and feeling it's true emotionally. A big difference.

I was watching Dr Phil yesterday and he was talking about trust. He said that trust isn't a question of whether the person you trust deserves to be trusted or not. The issue is that you can't trust if you couldn't deal with the results if your trust were to be broken. So it is very much your problem, not dh's. For that reason, it may not be essential for him to go to counselling. You may be able to solve the problem by going there alone. That isn't to say that he wouldn't benefit from learning to talk about his feelings more, but if he just won't go, you may still be able to get over this.

He was exonerated from all blame, yet you still don't feel right. Remember - all of us can identify with that. My dh has never harmed a child as far as I know but one day he might, as might any man. So how would you ever feel safe, with him or any other man? It's a question of weighing up the likelihood of what might happen, and learning to trust him again. And a counsellor will help guide you to that.

Good luck, stay strong xxxx

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