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Dh & I aren't getting on and I'm worried about ds

(11 Posts)
Lethal Fri 07-Jan-05 08:08:30

I'm back again . Seems dh and I just cannot get on at the moment, whatever he does is wrong and whatever I do also seems to be wrong. For the last week we have been stuck in this awful rut of arguing and then not speaking, and I feel terrible for ds (4). I keep promising myself that it won't happen again for his sake, but then it does and I feel mortified that we have been shouting in front of him once again.

This morning I thought, ok I'm going to put a stop to this, so I called dh into another room so we could talk. I told him that I didn't want to carry on like this and can we please mend our differences and stop arguing because I don't want any of us to live in this atmosphere. Well, dh seemed to take this as some kind of an admission of guilt on my part (my attempt at peace-making) and while he agreed with me, he seemed to think he'd 'won' or something. Lo and behold, a couple of hours later he tried to pick on me about something else and then I lost it. I put ds in the car and took him out for a few hours and I didn't even feel like coming home again.

The point of this whole story is that I feel dreadful that ds has had to witness these arguments, and I can't get rid of the guilt. When I've had a moment, I've apologised to him for the shouting and told him that it's not his fault, and that I love him. While dh can be quite a decent person, he can also be extremely pig-headed and stubborn (he and his brother fell out for 5 years once... currently he doesn't want to have anything to do with his mother either). I'm not saying that none of this is my fault, but he can be like a dog with a bone. Please tell me that other children have witnessed arguments and have come out unscathed

P.S. DS isn't seeing any 'making up' between us at the moment, either.

wild Fri 07-Jan-05 08:22:36

I know how bad you feel and how difficult it is to get out of these cycles of rowing. What seems to trigger the rows at the moment?

lulupop Fri 07-Jan-05 09:16:52

I mnow exactly how you feel as my DH and I have been stuck in this kind of argument cycle for months.

Sadly, I have to say that our DS is only just 3 and he definitely is affected by it. He;s such a cheery little chap most of the time, but DH seems incapable of biting his tongue if he wants to have a go at me, so it happens in front of DS and the poor little lamb just sits there watching us, occasionally saying "Don't talk like that in that nasty way"

It breaks my heart.

JudgeFlounce Fri 07-Jan-05 09:31:04

Message deleted

Carla Fri 07-Jan-05 09:41:59

Big, big hugs to you, Lethal. I'm aware that my 6 year old knows when dh's being horrible. No advice, but just wanted you to know that someone's listening, and that we care about you.XXXXX Carla

Lethal Fri 07-Jan-05 10:39:34

Thanks for your responses. Wild, the whole thing was triggered around Christmas time - to cut a long story short, dh was diagnosed with a mild medical condition a few months ago which can sometimes take while to treat. It's one of those conditions that is probably hereditary and you have to 'manage' it rather than treat it, because apparently it comes and goes throughout your life. It does NOT incapacitate him in any way, and it will not shorten his life or anything - like I said it is a mild condition which he is taking medication for, & he is able to carry on his life as normal. Well - I have not heard the end of it since he found out he had it. He uses it as an excuse not to help with ds, and yet he's able to go out and play golf and go fishing, you get the idea. I tried to be sympathetic & helpful at first but he's the type of person who thinks he's dying if he cuts his finger. Bad moods have become the norm, and he was an absolute misery over Christmas, just being petty & bad tempered, and then he lied to me about something... I think it all blew up from there. We have a friend with terminal cancer and I told him to thank his lucky stars that he's not in her position, and to try and get some perspective. I don't mean to be unsympathetic but he hardly spends any time at all with ds, doesn't like to help me with him, and yet manages to wine and dine with work colleagues whenever the opportunity arises. I just think there's a double standard going on here and both of us have probably stopped caring about the other's viewpoint. (A bit long-winded... sorry).

JudgeFlounce, pardon my ignorance but my brain is tired Can you explain what you mean? Thanks.

JudgeFlounce Fri 07-Jan-05 10:43:34

Message deleted

wild Fri 07-Jan-05 10:58:25

Sounds like he is really stressed about his health. I think men can get v paranoid about medical things, dp will almost never go to a doctor. Could you go out for a meal, say, just the two of you? if you can re-establish a pleasant contact you may begin to feel you're in it as a team again. I can understand how angry and upset you must feel but with the 2 of you feeling this way nothing is going to get solved. There are no winners/losers in this situation. I know exactly how you feel and prob the last thing on earth you want to do is meal out, but worth gritting teeth and having a go?

Lethal Fri 07-Jan-05 11:30:53

I suppose so wild. We haven't really been out together for a while, mainly because of the way he's been for the last couple of months. But things have just gotten so much worse lately, anything's worth a try I suppose. We used to go out quite a lot together and I think that's one of the things that's missing. I'm feel angry that ds has to be affected by OUR problems, it really pains me to think of him feeling unhappy in any way.

Thanks also lulupop & Carla for your words, it's nice to know someone else understands.

Lethal Fri 07-Jan-05 11:31:28

Doh! I meant , not

wild Fri 07-Jan-05 11:40:57

I know what you mean, there's so much more at stake with ds. He is obviously much loved. Hope you can sort things out and let us know how it goes, Lethal. It will encourage me to practice as I preach with dp!

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