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SlagAnon update

(278 Posts)
mummybb Tue 15-Apr-08 09:06:42

Dear All,

don't know what happened yesterday - I accidentally asked for my thread to be deleted but I actually was removing posts which might have identified individuals.

Have asked MNHQ if it's possible to reinstate without those posts as I know some of you were finding it helpful, as was I, but it got a bit out of hand yestersay so it might be they decide it's better all round to keep it removed.

Sending you love,

mbb xxx

Irisheyes78 Tue 15-Apr-08 11:07:03

Is this another person mummybrains?

mummybb Tue 15-Apr-08 11:11:47

still me Irish - just put the two together to illustrate.

Irisheyes78 Tue 15-Apr-08 13:42:45

How are you feeling today?

mummybb Tue 15-Apr-08 13:51:30

Erm.. empty, to be honest.
Hurt, and lost and foolish.
I feel I have lost so much, but I have to stop wallowing in it for everyone's sake, there are so many other things that are more important than this.
I feel so sorry for his wife. I know they will be fine in the end - she is a sensible and intelligent woman, and will not dwell on this.
Mc feels like it's in the past. I think that was for the best.
Dad has had blood transfusion and is now on steroids in preparation for chemotherapy.
I must just get on. Hope they can restore the larger part of the thread though - there was so much good advice and creative writing here I regret that the others have lost that.

Has your ds got over his iron trauma?

Irisheyes78 Tue 15-Apr-08 13:57:48

He has thanks. I'm sure he will use it as an excuse when he is older to get out of doing any ironing!

That's good news that your dad is getting treatment now. Please God he will be ok. My sil is almost finished chemo. She had breast cancer, but is well on the road to recovery.

Are you going to look into some counselling?

I think you should.

I have had two miscarriages and although I thought I was fine at the time it was obvious I was hugely affected by them. They happened in my very early twenties and people would always say that I was young and would have more. How insensitive people can be at times.

Have you given up the play?

mummybb Tue 15-Apr-08 14:02:55

Thanks - good to hear about your sil - dad is 76 and has already had bowel and lung cancers in last 4 yrs - and I'm getting the impression from mum that there's very little they can do with livers. But he's being very stoic.

I didn't think the mc wld affect me so deeply - but I guess it does, no matter what stage it's at or how welcome/unwelcome the pregnancy.

i am about to ring the counselling service as it happens.

and yes, there's no way I can get out of the play. It's as bad for her too - we keep shooting each other encouraging looks. I think she just wants to move on.

Irisheyes78 Tue 15-Apr-08 14:07:10

I feel sorry for his wife as he seems to have had more then affair. Then again she knows what she is getting!

Does your partner know about the affair?

mummybb Tue 15-Apr-08 14:14:23

yes, not the details - but he knows that he and I have been twunts.

mummybb Tue 15-Apr-08 14:14:24

yes, not the details - but he knows that he and I have been twunts.

Irisheyes78 Tue 15-Apr-08 14:20:56

Does he know you were pregnant?

mummybb Tue 15-Apr-08 14:24:25

yep - but we have not really talked about it

stuffedolivia Wed 16-Apr-08 10:26:47

Hi mummybb! How are you today?

Thanks for starting a new thread - was just resigning myself to the inexplicable disappearance of the ebb one, when fevered scrolling revealed SlagAnon beacon. What a relief.

Never had chance to tell you how brilliant -(and helpful) - your Bellocesque piece was. Made me laugh even more given ds's recent efforts to learn "Matilda" for a recital! Any chance of a reprint?

Wonder how gracey and rascal are?

I had another couple of calls from KT yesterday; managed to ignore both, but couldn't stop them affecting my mood. Chatted through problem with dh. He is adamant that I should talk to KT, if only to ram the point home. I've already done this, many times. Lovely dh: can't see that KT always extracts entirely the wrong message from any response at all. Depressing to think that he's probably a sex addict.

Seems to be no choice but to maintain my stance and allow time do its thing. It has been months though...I suppose some would say it's no more than I deserve, but I have learnt my lesson and wouldn't contemplate going there again.

Meanwhile, KT's wife insists on dipping in and out of our lives at whim. Interestingly, she too is training to be some sort of counsellor/therapist. Unbelievable, eh?

Just need unilateral closure.

rascalboys Wed 16-Apr-08 11:16:55

Hi mummyb, hope you're okay, was wondering where the thread had gone! I hope you and DP are managing to get along okay.

Stuffed Olivia - I'm okay thanks. exOM was waiting at my place of work again yesterday. I was happy but surprised to see him but I have worked so hard these past few weeks to get over him and obviously that didn't help. We went for a walk and I told him he is really unsettling me and it's not fair. I think - hope - he understood. But I have a terrible headache today because I couldn't stop thinking about the whole situation all night, I kept waking up and my mind was doing overtime. I hope you are okay, time is a great healer isn't it xx

rascalboys Thu 17-Apr-08 11:57:31

really struggling today

mummybb Thu 17-Apr-08 12:12:41

Rascal, Suffed!

I have emailed MNHQ again this morning asking for resurrection of the thread.

In the meantime sorry to hear you are both still being plagued by the mantwats.

Rascal - I can't believe he was there again! How horrible for you. I do hope he got the message - but if he's anything like me - it'll take him a long time. Hope you got some sleep. What's getting to you today?

Stuffed - you and rascal are both alike - the man just doesn't get it does he! When you are obsessed with someone nothing will get through to you - even if the other person ignores you. I have learned this. It does take time. I cld probably remember the Belloc - but I'm still hoping that some of the thread will come back... Why is the woman still in yr lives?

dp and are I are ok - - he's very busy with work and worrying about me - ds has caught impetigo from somewhere and so we're stuck indoors with antibiotics and in the night garden.

saw wife at rehearsal again last night - I was still in a mess - told her i couldn't believe she was being so nice and how she could even bear to be in the same room with me. She said she was getting through it and just wanted to put this behind them. He never did get back to me with the Marcus Aurelius quote - I guess he thinks it'll only encourage me.

rascalboys Thu 17-Apr-08 12:41:59

Hi mummybb

I felt really upset and down last night and unfortunately I made the big mistake of texting him. It didn't deliver for hours and then he replied saying he'd been busy and in this text he asked me a question. I decided to play it cool and didn't reply til this morning. Then he took hours to reply again and the text was somewhat arsey! All the time he didn't reply I kept imagining he was with someone else and I'm surprised how upset it made me - he has every right to be with someone else! But then I got angry that he had turned up to meet me just the day before, why did he bother? I don't know, I have really mixed emotions today. I can't do anything. I feel like I've gone back weeks.

Im glad you and DP are okay. My DS has had impetigo before, didn't last long though

His wife is being brilliant isn't she.

How are you feeling?

mummybb Thu 17-Apr-08 13:11:16

it's so cruel of him to surprise you like that. He must know that he still affects you and that's why he is so persistent, while he still thinks there's a chance.

Try not to worry about the text - we all have moments of weakness. i do hope you get back on track - hopefully each time he does this to you, you will be able to pick yourself up quicker. I'd hate to think you are really back to square one.

The fact that you imagine him with someone else is worrying, but understandable - he affected you deeply - and you're probably shocked that you still feel strongly enough to get worked up about that. it'll take time for you too. Just remember - be the strong one - the one who is superior - and keeps her respect xx

rascalboys Thu 17-Apr-08 13:14:52

I just don't get him. We were getting on well in jokey way last week and I felt great about everything. But seeing him changed it all. What I don't get is how he is so nice to me when I'm ignoring him, and then when he notices I'm weakening he turns all strange again. All this should make me get over him quicker though shouldn't it.

I like those words you the strong one, the one who is superior and keeps her respect. I will remember that, thank you.

I don't think I realised how deeply he really has affected me.

mummybb Thu 17-Apr-08 13:16:50

I'm afraid to say that every time you share a joke with him or even make contact - he will take it as encouragement. He must be fully aware of the power he has over you. You are so much better than that, keep strong. xx

stuffedolivia Thu 17-Apr-08 14:40:47

Mummybb hit the nail on the head again! - It is power that primarily motivates these men. Whilst we resond to them in any way, we feed their craving and reinforce their belief that they still have the ability to illicit a reaction - positive or otherwise -
from us. To that end, they play mind games: coaxing out our vestiges of interest in them when they know it would be better for us if they left us alone, catching us off guard and then feigning nonchalance to try to keep themselves on our minds.angry It's all a game to them, which is why the 'I'm Not Playing strategy' is the only effective one.

Sorry to hear you're finding it tough today, rascal. I think I have a fair idea of how you're feeling; your moment of weakness reminds me of the moment last week when I foolishly answered the phone and you mummybb were so supportive. Try to keep in mind that a stable and happy relationship with dp and ds and any kind of relationship with ex-om are probably mutually exclusive.

You seem very together today, mummbb, which is heartening. Don't think you should let your dignity to take too much of a battering though; never forget that despite his history of affairs, twatman's wife seems never to have given him any particularly compelling disincentive.hmm

Re- KT's wife, I suppose she's still lingering because - given the whole horrible history - we feel partly responsible for her misery. KT has a long history of infidelity, and remember she is Mrs KT no.3, poor thing... I do feel sorry for her; this a.m. she told dh that, were it not for dcs, she'd "top herself".sadI don't really know how to help her, apart from avoiding KT myself and giving a sympathetic ear to her woes in general. Don't want to take sides, but think it would be cruel to ignore her.

stuffedolivia Thu 17-Apr-08 14:45:07

Where is gracey when we need haiku therapy?!

mummybb Fri 18-Apr-08 09:36:03

Dear Sinful Sisters

MNHQ are not going to put back the original thread.

I'm so sorry

HappyWoman Fri 18-Apr-08 10:29:05

Sorry to but in but i think you are giving these men too much credit.

I really dont think they are playing mind games - i really dont think men are usually that complex.

My h ow accussed him of just that - he was trying to get through it as much as she was. He didnt know what to do for the best. He felt bad because he knew he had lead her on and so in some ways wanted to be friendly - to show he wasnt the awful man she then thought he was.
But he also knew it was best to avoid her (difficult as they used to work together a lot) - but probably looked as if he was being nasty.

Once a man has decided to stay with his wife - and he really starts to see what he has done (because up until then - despite what he may have told ow it is just a case of having it all), i do believe the thoughts of the ow are gone.

Also - do not always believe what these men tell you about their previous 'unfaithfulness' it seems to be a bit of a pattern - a line they feed the ow to make the ow not feel so bad iyswim. It somehow makes the wife seem even more 'stupid' for staying with them. My h told his ow that he had strayed before and then she could throw that at me later. She now believes me to be a silly cow for still staying with him.

Anyway didnt want to offend just wanted you to see it from another point of view.

Mbb - i wish my h ow would at least acknowlege me and my pain as you have - just dont expect her to always be pally with you, she is probably struggling too.

gracepaley Fri 18-Apr-08 10:58:14

Hello sorry have been too busy to sleuth this htread. What? THey are not resurrecting our haiku? ARSE! I will have to write some more.

SOrry SO anbd RAscal that you have been having tough times with your persistent OMs. MBB you sound much more together this week, but kind of subdued. You keep avoiding my question which is this - when does your therapy start? You have a big journey to go on....but your wayward sisters will help you. I ain't a slag, so I'm not signing up for that moniker. In any sense.

Have been a bit preoccupied as my dd is very ill. I have a thread about it on here.

Watch out for poetry later, I am still on holiday and returning tonight.

take care minxes

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