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OMG!!! FURIOUS with dp's Mother........

(47 Posts)
Zephyrcat Tue 04-Jan-05 16:50:52

Will try to cut a long story short..... dp with ex when i met him they had a son who later turns out might not be his, i found her diaries she had plotted to leave dp from the moment her son was born and that dp was every name under the sun. Along comes me, she leaves. Blames me for him leaving her (she left him) dp and i have been together 5 years now and have dd and ds. DP's mother, Father and Sister shut us out and revolve their whole lives around his ex and the son. dp's father died in an accident last year. I was not allowed to go to the funeral with him - his mother turned up with his sister on one arm, his ex on the other and left him on his own. I have always sent her pics of our two and pushed dp to contact her and try to get her to see the children. DP started phoning her every week a few weeks before xmas and every time he asked if she'd like to see the children she said no. Neither of them have had so much as a birthday card from her. I told dp i didnt want our two knowing about the ex's son til they are old enough to understand as his ex causes a lot of trouble for us if he has anything to do with her. His mother thinks I'm doing it out of spite.
Anyway!! (that was cut very short!!) We celebrated dd's birthday yesterday as her real birthday was xmas day. We took the children to her house. I decided it was best for me to wait in the car and for dp to take the children in and talk to her without me in the way as it's obviously all my fault!?!. DP has just rung me and played a message from his mobile. It's his mother saying "Why did you come all this wayu for HER to sit in the car. Obviously this relationship is not going to work and I'm not happy with this"
Am I missing something?????????????

Zephyrcat Tue 04-Jan-05 16:53:19

oh forgot to add, according to dp the whole time they were in her house she talked about the ex's son (who she still thinks is dp's) when she knows full well that i dont want dd to know of him yet.

MarsLady Tue 04-Jan-05 16:54:30

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

My DH's family hate me. I'm so grateful that they do. They are awful people. However, I'm sorry that your DP's family are causing you such pain.

Keep sending the photos and the cards etc. Be patient and rise above it. Hard I know, but if you let yourself get upset then who wins???? Not you.

Zephyrcat Tue 04-Jan-05 16:59:23

What do you think i should do? dp doesnt help. He wont stand up to her and explain why i didnt want our children to see the ex's son. Do I write to her and put it all down on paper once and for all? or do i just back off?

juniperdewdrop Tue 04-Jan-05 16:59:41

How vile of her She sounds like she needs to do some growing up. I get it's hard for your DP?

juniperdewdrop Tue 04-Jan-05 17:00:02

bet*

juniperdewdrop Tue 04-Jan-05 17:01:06

sorry, is this son definitely his? Why don't you want them knowing him?

MarsLady Tue 04-Jan-05 17:06:20

The problem that I found was that until my DH was willing to stand up for me it stayed bad. Anything that I did made the situation worse. Don't write, or at least if you do then burn it as writing it down may make you feel better.

You need a quiet space to talk to your DP and explain (without shouting, blaming or putting anyone down) how you feel. You need to ask him to make a stand for you because you are his family, you and the children. I have to confess that I told my DH that he had to choose who he wanted to be sleeping with in the years to come, me or his mother.

You have to back off of her. She won't change until he's made his stand, and to be honest she may never change. My DH's family haven't seen the children in years. There is no contact. Nothing when the DTs were born, no cards or pressies. If I'm honest it makes my life easier that I don't have to deal with any of them any more. We row a whole lot less. It took a separation for him to work out that it wasn't me keeping him from his family, but his family trying to break us apart.

You have my thoughts and prayers. I know how awful it can be.

Dyzzidi Tue 04-Jan-05 17:11:52

I thinh=k you should pull back and let them get on with ruining their own lives. you have survived so far not talking to them and I would leave it that way. Be honest with your DD and refer all questions to your partner as if his is not prepared to end this charade he should at least explain to your DD why!!!!
Sorry I just feel that people treat you any way you allow them too and your partner is allowing them to make his life a misery. He should stand up for his family and if DS is not his he needs to decide whether or not he is playing a role in the childs life if not he needs to make all of his family aware of the reasons behind his decision. I they do not stand by your DP they are not worth your time and effort.

I had a problem with my DP family as he moved 150 miles to be with me. I have stood my ground for the past ten years we are getting married in Sept and they have chosen to spend the day with us when i made it clear the day was happening with or without them.

Stand up for yourself!!! make your Partner stand up to them that way you both have your self respect.

tribpot Tue 04-Jan-05 17:12:27

Sounds like the issue of the ex's son's paternity needs to be sorted out - that would at least clear up one HUGE area of misunderstanding. Although of course that's easier said than done! Is dp paying maintenance for the son?

I can understand why you don't want your kids to know about this boy, particularly when the issue of whether he is or isn't their half-brother is unknown. Does dp's mum know the paternity is questionable?

Zephyrcat Tue 04-Jan-05 17:15:48

it is hard for dp but basically his sister and his mother have been against him his whole life so he's used to it bless him.
The reason I don't want our two to see the ex's son is because for a start there's a good chance he's not even dp's. Secondly, she plays games. When dp used to go to pick him up at the weekends she would have told the son that if he didn't go with daddy he could go and see grandma instead so dp would get to the door thinking he was spending the day with his 'son'' and he would refuse to go with him. DP got very depressed and had some very aggressive moods over it which is understandable. I don't want our two being messed about emotionally and mentally by some slapper as and when it suits her!!

juniperdewdrop Tue 04-Jan-05 17:18:28

blimey zephrycat they sound like they deserve each other!!

I'd get a dna test done asap if it were me

Dyzzidi Tue 04-Jan-05 17:20:01

I think a DNA test would end some of the problems and you would at least know how to move forward or not at all as the case may be.

MarsLady Tue 04-Jan-05 17:21:20

stay well clear Zephyr. Get you partner to stand up for you and then stay well away. Let them come to you on your terms. This is your family and no one is allowed to mess with it.

Zephyrcat Tue 04-Jan-05 17:26:53

just had dp on the phone again after phoning his mother back. Basically she doesn't know that the boy's paternity is questionable. Her whole life revolves around him and she believes everything that the ex has been coming out with, but if dp mentions her to his mum she just says 'oh thats between you and her, nothing to do with me'. I've made it clear for the last however long that when dd is old enough to understand the situation I'm more than happy for her to see the son, but she's only 3 and she's a really sensitive little thing. I'm not going to let his ex mess her about. Maybe that's wrong of me. I dont know. He doesn't pay maintenance any more - hasnt done for a long time - when she started all her crap. Apparently she hasn't sent cards or presents for our two because dp hasnt sent any to the son. But surely we are a family in our own right?? Do you think I am the one being wrong? Be as honest as you can - its always easier from the outside!! All I want is for her to accept us as a family - nothing to do with his ex, and to respect the fact that I would prefer for the children to not be involved in the ex business until they are old enough to understand - see to me that sounds reasonable!!

tribpot Tue 04-Jan-05 17:33:39

So dp's mum thinks it's okay to 'punish' your kids (by not sending pressies and cards etc) because dp doesn't send a card to the poor little boy who might not even be his in the first place? If this appallingly messy situation really is between dp and his ex, why is she so blatantly choosing sides? Of course, if she doesn't know that the boy's paternity's in question, it will probably look quite black and white to her.

To be honest, and NOT because of his mum, I think dp should do the right thing by the child, or find out whether he's his or not, he must feel equally confused about why his 'dad' is ignoring him.

But I think keeping your own children out of this whole sorry mess is absolutely your decision to make, think of dd getting all excited that she has a 'big brother' and then you having to explain that, erm, no he's not after all.

MarsLady Tue 04-Jan-05 17:34:55

I can only tell you how it worked for me. I refused to beg to be a part of them. They tried everything that they could to pull me and DH apart, even whilst knowing we had children. I just refused to be part of their games. They would constantly phone each other telling all and sundry that I was bitching about them, making little digs about them, keeping them from DH etc. Every time I took a step forward it was like a red rag to a bull. So I stopped. Life has improved 1,000,000%. I think you should try to let it go. Your DP has to sort this, I don't think that you can. That's my honest opinion.

Freckle Tue 04-Jan-05 17:35:06

Sounds as though the question of paternity needs to be sorted out asap. Once it is clear that this child is your dp's son (if that is the case), he can start being a proper dad - which to my mind means sending birthday and Christmas presents - and having contact with the child. If he isn't, then perhaps your MIL will start to behave differently.

The son is still quite young, I take it, and, at the end of the day, none of this is his fault. If he believes your dp to be his father, it must be dreadfully hurtful for him to receive no presents or much acknowledgement.

It is clearly your decision how much your dd is told and your MIL was out of order bringing up stuff which she knew you didn't want dd to know yet. However, if your dp was there, he could have stoppped her.

I'm not meaning to be unsupportive, but I do feel for the child, who is innocent in all this.

juniperdewdrop Tue 04-Jan-05 17:39:14

agree with freckle

Zephyrcat Tue 04-Jan-05 17:49:28

DP's family and his ex have all told the son that the reaon dp doesnt see him is because of me. His ex is sick enough to fill his head with complete crap and not think anything of it. She really hasn't got a clue. As an example, when he first started nursery and she was telling him not to see daddy, he was excluded from nursery for his behaviour, and was put on medication for adhd - which was blamed on dp because he 'was horrid when he was little so it must come from him'. I told dp that he didnt have adhd, he was playing up because he was confused with what his mother was telling him. A few months later we find out he's off medication because he never had adhd.
She sent him to a new school where all the boys wore blue jumpers and the girls red - she made him go in a red jumper.
As well as me not wanting to get our children involved in her games, part of me believes that the son is better off just being with her until he is also old enough to make his own choices etc so that he doesnt have a 'daddy' one week and not the next when it suits her

Zephyrcat Tue 04-Jan-05 18:02:36

I spoke to dp and he's very 'I'm stuck in the middle' In other words being useless!!!
I sooo wish I had kept all the proof about the sons paternity and the way she is and the things she's done. This would have all been oover by now. SAt the same time I'm thinking if I have to prove things like that to make a grandmother see her Grandchildren then maybe the children are better off without her........

Zephyrcat Tue 04-Jan-05 19:42:06

why am i sitting here and feeling so guilty???

MunchedTooManyMarsLady Tue 04-Jan-05 19:45:24

stop instantly!!!!!!!!!!! Will chat later. DS needs to do homework

Zephyrcat Tue 04-Jan-05 19:46:06

thanks mars x

morningpaper Tue 04-Jan-05 20:00:38

Sounds shitty, Z... does dp accept that the paternity is questionable? Doesn't he want to know so he can move on one way or the other?

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