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I think I need serious help!

(35 Posts)
talie Mon 03-Jan-05 18:52:08

Thought I'd start a new thread - DH left me 4 wks ago with two young dd's.

He comes round twice a week to see them and I get really stressed out before he comes round and am taking it out on the elder dd - then I burst into tears for being horrible! I feel like the worse mother in the world! I am like jekyll and hyde because when he is here I act all nice etc. or just keep out of his way while he plays with dd's for a while and then when he goes, I'm still positive for a while and then I change back and sink into a depression again.

He came round NY eve to look after them while I had a couple of hours out and when I returned home he stayed for two hours, lying on the sofa as though he still lived here - but still proceeded to tell me he doesn't regret leaving me but he does the kids!! Am I really missing something here or am I just looking to find a little hope that he will return? Surely you wouldn't sit in the same room for two hours with someone if you really didn't love them and want to be there?

I think I can't hit rock bottom any more but each day I seem to be sinking deeper and deeper into depression - I've even thought about just handing the dd's over to him and walking away myself from it all - but I hate myself for even thinking that and would hate myself more if I actually carried it out - I love my dd's so much but I just can't seem to snap out of this mood - I'm crying all the time and I know it's affecting the dd's. I haven't eaten properly since he's left and have lost lots of weight but I just don't have an appetite. I'm still breastfeeding my youngest dd but think I better put her on formula as I'm sure she's getting no goodness from me whatsoever!(I hate him for doing this to me - I wanted to stop when I chose to, not when I felt I had to!) I don't sleep properly at night and my dd's are waking several times a night (since he left!).

I really think I'm cracking up - I sat on the floor in a heap sobbing tonight and I can't believe I've sunk to this level - I'm usually a very strong person!

I tried to phone my Drs to get help but couldn't get though and thought it's a good job I'm not the sort of person who would do anything silly, but I may be on the way there! I have no local support - family all live away - I have to ring several of them every day to just speak to people and lift my mood temporarily, but no-one was in today for me to speak to. My life just seems to be sinking deeper into darkness and I know I need to snap out of this for the good of my dd's and myself!

Can anyone give me any helpful advice, or just talk to me. Does this get better with time? It just feels like it's getting worse for me at the minute. Maybe if I didn't want him back so much I wouldn't be clinging on to anything and would be able to snap out of this quicker? He hasn't given me any answers as to why he left either which doesn't help - just the crap about not loving me anymore and hasn't for ages! So he didn't love me but managed to conceive a child (planned) with me???????? I don't understand!!!!!

Are all men B's or will I meet someone nice out there in time? On second thoughts I don't think I want anything to do with another man!!!!!


pixiefish Mon 03-Jan-05 18:55:57

got a whingy dd here so can't stay but thinking of you

NewbarnsleygirlWalliams Mon 03-Jan-05 19:02:15

Big hugs to you first of all.
It will get better for you I'm sure. I think you need to tell him how things are for you because him just coming back and lolling around the house is not good for you and the children. He may open up a bit more if you tell him that. Just remember there are loads of people on here to help you and talk.

pinkmama Mon 03-Jan-05 19:02:20

God Talie, I have nothing useful to say, but there is no wonder you are this low. Do you not have any friends around you could ask you come around. Thinking of you

PuffTheMagicDragon Mon 03-Jan-05 19:05:42

talie, sorry you're having such a rough time. I don't have any personal experience to offer, but just wanted to say don't worry if you don't get many replies for a bit. It goes a bit quiet on here around now due to bedtime for little ones. Hope someone can give you some help soon xxx.

TwasTheNightBeforeCatbert Mon 03-Jan-05 19:07:58

I'm not sure what to say other than I really think you need to have a good long talk with him. You need to get things resolved as to why he left. It is deeply unfair and wrong to have given you no reasons for his actions. He might have his reasons and they might not be what you want to hear, but I think without this, there's no way of beginning any closure on this part of your life.

I really hope you work things out. But talking has to be a starting point?

tammybear Mon 03-Jan-05 19:08:12

hi talie, sorry things havent gotten better for you. i think maybe going to the doctors can help you a bit. Not eating or sleeping will make you feel worse. It will get better, although it may not seem like it. Thinking of you, and around if you want to chat xxx

karenanne Mon 03-Jan-05 19:10:04

hi talie again lol same thing again as you.exdp comes round to see the kids and stays for hours after.i no longer speak about getting back together but if subject of the kids and problems come up he says he cant live with me anymore.?????no i dont love you anymore ,he wont say how he feels just hes f*** up at the he isnt the only one.
everyone who knows him and ive seen has said hes mad and he just needs to get whatever out of his system .
im not hanging around anymore waiting for him to want us back.ive made a list of goals i want for me and my kids this year and im sticking to them.
me and my kids will be happy without him ,we will have a stable and secure home of our own without him and we will get on with our lives and make them the best we can.
if my ex comes to his senses and does want us back it will be on my terms if by then i want him back.but if not then its his loss.

this is what you have to focus on talie ,as much as it hurts and i do know how much it hurts .him seeing you moving on may be the push he needs to come back.
as ive said on your previous thread ive met some good friends on another site weve helped each other these past few weeks and have a dear lady who's been through this and out the other me if you want to talk weve had some good ideas between us and from our friend ,id love to share them with you but its abit long to gointo here.
stay strong dont let him walk over you and show him you can and will do it on your own if you need to.

Amanda3266 Mon 03-Jan-05 19:13:12

Hi Talie,

Just so wish I was there to give you more than just a cyber hug. You poor thing - what a dreadful experience to be going through .
Dreadful right on top of Christmas.

Your hubby sounds confused (and I don't want to give you any false hope in this). It wasn't fair of him to spend all that time with you on NY eve while saying he doesn't love you.

Not all men are B's - there are some real good ones out there but it's the last thing you need at present.

Firstly, if you think you are depressed have a chat with your GP. Also if your HV is an understanding sort, see if she can offer any support. There are also various one parent support groups out there who offer support to single parents.

If the relationship is well and truely over in your hubby's eyes then suggest that you speak to Relate together to try and sort things out amicably for your daughters. It's so important to them that they see you both care for them - even if it's apart. You need him to have set times he sees the children and preferably without him spending hours at your home confusing things further. Is there someone else in his life?

What you need more than anything is some advice about where you go from here. This is hard when you are probably still so shocked. However, see a solicitor, find out what route you should take both for seperation and for the children (not forgetting what financial support you are entitled to from him).

Hang on in there and keep coming back here for additional support. It's an awful time you are going through right now but you will get through it and be a stronger person because of it. I don't know how old your eldest DD is but give her lots of hugs - tell her you love her and that even though Daddy's not there he does too (even if you feel that by leaving he's shown that he doesn't care).

Sending a (((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))


pinkmama Mon 03-Jan-05 19:27:04

Four weeks is still early to adjust to that change and shock. Your emotions must be all over the place, and as others have said, not eating and sleeping will be making them worse. I agree that you do need to talk to him. At the moment it doesn't seem like you can move on in any way, he is being very confusing. I do think you need to be honest with him, and draw up some clear boundaries. Carrying on like this is only going to continue to sap your strength. Sending a really big hug

puddytats Mon 03-Jan-05 19:28:01

Hi Talie,

What an awful thing to go thro. I am fairly new on here so do not know what area you are in but if you are anywhere near Chichester, West Sussex then I am always avaliable if you need a real shoulder to cry on. I have a car so can get to you if needs be. In the mean time huge hugs to you.


ElectricBlue Tue 04-Jan-05 03:46:49

Talie - my heart goes out to you. How awful that this has happened and you are going thru it alone. I posted recently on here about my marriage ending and, like you, I got lots of support and comfort here. I keep switching from euphoria to frozen depression, but I know the reality of my situation: it's over because he cant/wont change and could never be proactive about bettering the relationship - he'd just want the relationship to miraculously fix itself.

You haven't let go of the relationship but before you look for ways of getting him back, you have to ask yourself the same questions - can your DH change, is he strong enough to, is there anything new you can try that could work that you haven't tried before? Otherwise you'll be doing the compromising and more unsatisfactory years may roll on. Having said that, it doesn't sound like he ready to fix things even if you are. Has he suggested anything, other than what you "read" into his behaviour?

I saw bits of your other threads and I can feel how emotional you are and how badly you want him back. The only advice I can offer whichever way it goes, is to try pretend you are calm and strong in front of him in the face of all this adversity, it sounds like you are doing a great job of that anyway. I think that being nice is the best thing you can be when times are troubled. Let him remember you at your best if he should have a change of heart.

Please don't be too hard on yourself, thinking that you've driven him away by YOUR behaviour. It sounds like you both went thru a lot of hardship and struggle.

You are doing the best you can under very extreme and isolating circumstances.

Hugs and I hope that you things get better for you.

polkadot Tue 04-Jan-05 09:47:17

It sounds like you are having an awful time. Have you thought of asking your HV for a visit? If you get on with her she might be a good listening ear and it would all stay confidential too. I hope that you start to feel a bit better soon.

aloha Tue 04-Jan-05 09:51:59

Call the dr again. Arrange proper contact times with the kids so he's not just popping round and upsetting you. Not all men are bastards. And don't worry about your breastmilk, it will still be wonderful stuff for your dd even if you aren't eating properly atm -honestly. Though if you can try to eat it will benefit you.

Janna Tue 04-Jan-05 12:06:06

Hi Talie
Firstly big big (((hugs))) to you. I really feel for you in this situation because its happening to me too at the moment.
I'm quite new to this forum and I posted for the first time about my relationship on boxing day and got some really good advice.
Your dh sounds just like my ex in the way that he dosen't know what he wants from you and your relationship. My dp even though he again recently told me he dosen't love me anymore will still come round and spend time with me and the kids, still will cook me tea when I come in from work and still treat the house as his own which really really confuses me
You must feel absolutely awful after just four weeks. You may not feel like eating but even little and often is better than nothing. I got loads of ready meals and fish fingers and stuff for the kids after it all happened last march. I just couldn't funtion properly and hit the lowest I've ever been in my life. I started to self harm again.. which is a problem I've always had.
You will start to feel stronger in yourself. The absolute and total despair will start to fade although it won't go straightaway. The pain dosen't go away but it lessens with time and you start to see light at the end of the tunnel.
Even though its been nearly a year for me and ex and he's still messing me about, think he's still seeing someone else but spends time here. I can't let him do this to me over again. I still want him back and it still hurtts like mad but I can't put my life on hold anymore.
Let your dh see that you can survive without him and be nothing but nice even though you might feel as if you are dying inside. I've tried to do this as much as I can recently and I find in a bizarre way it helps me cope a bit better.
On a practical note do you have homestart near where you live? They offer fantastic support. I've got a volunteer and I go to group too. It gives you a chance for a break and a chat with other mums that have been through the same. I've found thats it's been a briliant help to me this past year.
Anyway hope I haven't rambled on too much
Please take care.

talie Tue 04-Jan-05 19:05:03

Thanks for all the lovely comments - it helps to know people care and that I'm not the only one going through this.

I've been to the Drs today and been given anti-depressants, although I've just read up about them on the internet and not really sure whether I want to take them - he said they'd probably take up to 14 days to work for starters and it's not known if it affects dd through breastfeeding. Dr says it will make dd drowsy! Not sure if I want to do that to her?! After all it's me that needs to buck my ideas up! Maybe I should just try some vitamins etc.? and give myself a kick up the behind and snap out of this!

Weighed myself at the Drs - lost a stone and a half already! so I really do need to get back on track before I waste away!

Been told roughly what I'll get from Income Support which sounds like peanuts?! How do people live?!!! They said Tax Credits make up the extra amount but it still sounds like peanuts to me! Wont be able to live here unless DH still contributes! But then I think the best thing I can do is to move away from the marital home and start afresh - maybe that will give him the kick in the teeth that he needs? Especially if I move quite far from him and then he cant have easy access etc. to the dd's!! Or am I not being fair here?

Puddytats - sorry I'm not very close to West Sussex or I'd take up your offer.

Janna, I feel a bit guilty feeling sorry for myself when you seem to be having a harder time than me. I don't know if I could take this for a year - I need out now but then I suppose as he's always going to be their dad then I will never really escape from him will I, he's always going to be in my life - I just hope I'm strong enough to make my own life from now on and not feel I need to still have him in it, but that's easier said than done when I really feel the marriage could be saved if he'd only opened up about his feelings! He's never opened up to me though and wouldn't dream of going to Relate, so I suppose there's no hope.

Karenanne, was it ivillage you told me about? Did have a quick look but don't always manage to get onto the internet, so it's difficult for me.

Thanks again everyone, I do feel a bit better today but then I'm up and down like a yo-yo! He's coming to see the dd's tomorrow, so no doubt I will be stressed all day until he comes, exchanging niceties whilst he's here and then not know where I stand again when he's gone!!

JudgeFlounce Tue 04-Jan-05 20:03:43

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talie Tue 04-Jan-05 22:18:32

Judgeflounce - any advice on finance, house, kids, maintenance etc. etc. would be gratefully received! Don't really know what sort of things I should be asking or need to know.

JudgeFlounce Wed 05-Jan-05 08:40:33

Message deleted

talie Wed 05-Jan-05 19:40:58

Whats the best way to sort out the house which is jointly owned? Accept him handing it over to me and give up other rights - eg pension?, let him remortgage and buy me out, or sell and take the equity? Although I can't see that I can afford to stay where I am or be able to afford another place of my own, so will probably end up in council or rented!!!! Not the secure future I would want for my dd's!

Access to children - have been letting him see them one night a week and putting eldest to bed (which is usually 1-2 hours) and unlimited access one day on weekend - although always supervised at the minute, until I feel able to deal with the situation better. He has just been round tonight and I am extremely stressed and yet again have lost my appetite - so I won't be eating! I really don't want to lose any more weight and I don't want to feel this stressed, because I'm getting too snappy with the dd's and then I hate myself. What is the minimum access I have to allow until things hopefully get better.

He keeps on about taking them away for longer and taking them to grandparents (who have had no contact with me since the split, although I have said they only need to call before to come and see them - and they hardly made the effort to see them when we were together!) Think it's just another thing to rub my nose in it personally, as never really got on with them. Do they have any rights?

Someone told me I should keep him sweet because he is paying all my bills at the minute (for how long I don't know) and that if he stops I.Support etc. won't pay the amount that he currently pays, so basically I'm stuffed! I really don't feel like keeping him sweet.

He's applied for a car loan and used this as his home address - is he entitled to do that? Don't know where the money is coming from as there is no spare cash (apart from cutting my bills!) I know about the monies because I was the one in charge of finances! He doesn't need a car as he lives and works within walking distance but refuses to stay around the area on a weekend - so travels back and forth to his parents!!!! Oh sorry, needs a car to see the dd's - what about public transport?!

Has just got p'd off as well because he's realised he has to insure new car and won't be entitled to any no claims? as insurance was in my name! Shame! He's feeling really sorry for himself. Poor hard done to bloke.

God I really hate him today. I wish I could never see him again but know that I'm stuck with him for the rest of my life because of the dd's.

Why is it that he seems to be coming out on top - seems like he's going to be the one who's better off from all this, not me?! Why should he end up with a ready made house and most of his wages and me and the dd's end up on benefits in a council house (no disrespect - I lived in one when I was little and I just hoped for a better life for my dd's!)

Why should he be this fantastic fun part-time dad to the dd's and I end up being the disciplinarian and bad mother, having to deal with the tears, the tantrums, illnesses etc. Why should he enjoy life as a single person with no ties now apart from having to come and see the dd's every so often and I end up having to try support and bring up my dd's the best I can.


Sorry, for the rant, but I'm really angry with him tonight and I just need to get things off my chest.

JudgeFlounce Wed 05-Jan-05 19:45:04

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Yurtgirl Wed 05-Jan-05 20:05:14

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Yurtgirl Wed 05-Jan-05 20:05:54

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sobernow Wed 05-Jan-05 20:23:15

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princessinapeartree Wed 05-Jan-05 20:25:28

jolly good thing too. if judge flounce is a barrister (let alone a qc) I'll eat my practising certificate.

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