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very disturbing news from DH not sure how to handle this

(34 Posts)
hadtochangemyname Tue 28-Dec-04 21:45:03

yesterday I had a row with DH about another girls name in his mobile, it turned out that it was a girl from a selfharm group he is involved in. Now I know he was selfharming but thought he was coping ok. He started crying and said that it was all triggered three years ago, when a male workmate got obsessed with him, the boy would sent notes, and leave male gay mags in his bag. I knew about this at the time. But Dh told me something that I can't handle, this boy pinned him to the floor and touched him up, DH just froze and didn't know what to do. It happened one night when he was working nigths and was alone in the building. He is blaming himself and said he should have fought him off. The day after it happpened he sant DH a text saying that last night was excellent and to bring something so they could go further!! I remember Dh getting that text and me freaking out, but how could I not see that DH was scared? What can I do?

hadtochangemyname Tue 28-Dec-04 21:48:57

the boy was 19 and DH was 23

Yorkiegirl Tue 28-Dec-04 21:51:28

Message withdrawn

whowantstobeamillionare Tue 28-Dec-04 21:51:45

I really don't know what to say as have no experience here but know someone will be able to give you some advice here.

Caligulights Tue 28-Dec-04 21:52:17

I think you both need to go to counselling to get your heads around this.

Sorry not to have anything more constructive to say, but you and your DH are going through so much pain and it is so tough to face, that I think you might find it easier to cope with if you get some gentle, professional guidance.

hadtochangemyname Tue 28-Dec-04 21:53:20

I said to Dh why didn't he tell me before and we could have reported it, but he said he felt dirty

nailpolish Tue 28-Dec-04 21:53:28

that is so awful.

you must be so upset.

cant think of any advice. does he still go to the selfharm group? maybe you could go with him to give him support if its allowed. it sounds like if you do some counselling together you could get through this together, but ireally dont have any experience. has he thought about going to the police about the other man?

hester Tue 28-Dec-04 21:54:28

There is a specialist helpline for men who have been sexually assaulted by other men. Racking my brains to remember the name - Survivors UK? If you rang Rape Crisis or Samaritans I'm sure they'd know the number. It may be very hard for your dh to ring, but maybe you could ring for advice?

So sorry this is happening to you both.

nailpolish Tue 28-Dec-04 21:54:42

sorry crossed posts. the police would help with counselling etc, and stop this horrible man.

jingleballs Tue 28-Dec-04 21:55:05

oh hon, I don't know what to suggest, has DH reported this to anyone?

hadtochangemyname Tue 28-Dec-04 21:55:42

I mean, this bloke was obsessed, Dh kept changing his mobile no. to try and stop the texts but he found out it every time, Dh did get him sacked in the end, by telling the boss that this bloke wouldn't leave him alone, I was pregnant at the time too

jingleballs Tue 28-Dec-04 21:56:44

would suggest def counciling, ((hugs)) best thing would be be there for each other and help each other thru this as much as you can, both of u need to talk to some one thou if u can't talk to each other about it. and keep reassurin DH it wasn't his fault.

nailpolish Tue 28-Dec-04 21:56:58

do you think he would go to the police now? is he agreeing to go to counsellin g together?

hadtochangemyname Tue 28-Dec-04 21:57:31

no,he hasn't he has only told his sister and me.

onlyjoandthethreekings Tue 28-Dec-04 21:58:02

so sorry to hear about this, would hubby feel any better talking to someone about it, it maybe better for him to talk to someone other than you cos it will be hard talking to you and he will feel guilt ect for your feelings plus he wont be able to be totally open and honest with someone so close to him, huge hugs to you both and make sure you both get support throu this.

SnowmAngeliz Tue 28-Dec-04 21:58:52

I don't have advice either i'm afarid, but wanted to say how awful that is!

Hope your dp (and you) are o.k!+++++

hadtochangemyname Tue 28-Dec-04 21:59:43

we were doing so well recently too, and now this has thrown a spanner in the works. I can't believehe kept something like this from me for so long

hester Tue 28-Dec-04 22:01:19

It is Survivors UK. They have a helpline that is open Tuesdays and Thursdays 7pm-10pm. I'm sorry I don't know how to do links, but the website is

I remember reading about this organisation. It was set up by men who had been sexually assaulted and who understood how difficult it is for men to speak out about this experience. I am sure they can give you some useful advice.

My heart is going out to you both. xxx

hadtochangemyname Tue 28-Dec-04 22:03:54

thanks Hester, I am looking at the site now

hester Tue 28-Dec-04 22:04:47

Oh lovey, I know this is really hard for you, but I have to say I do understand why your dh kept it to himself. I think it is hard enough for women to speak out about sexual assault, but for men it is an incredibly shaming, isolating experience. It shouldn't be - it only is because our society is so homophobic - but that's the way it is. Your poor dh is going to need lots of support to get through this - as will you - and you may both find you need some external advice to help you make sense of it all. Big hugs to you.

hadtochangemyname Tue 28-Dec-04 22:07:13

he seems to ok now, but he has started to selfharm again. I am shocked this happened TBH. Dh has gay friends and he kept telling thhis lad he wasn't interested, and that I was in hospital with his baby, but he wouldn't take no for an answer

hadtochangemyname Tue 28-Dec-04 22:07:55

DH saw him the other day and wanted to run him over in the car....

hester Tue 28-Dec-04 22:15:33

Gay, straight, whatever, there are some men who are just predatory bastards. I feel so angry for you and your dh.

hadtochangemyname Tue 28-Dec-04 22:17:00

the other man was a newly found gay, and decided that DH was the one for him and he would get him no matter what, I have been thinking about it all day

OLittleYurtofBethlehem Tue 28-Dec-04 22:25:17

Really sad to read this HTCMN - will contribute more tommorrow when dd is not about to start wailing........

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