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Advice on lookin for a long lost parent please.

(27 Posts)
longlost Tue 28-Dec-04 20:42:48

I will try to keep this brief.

I was wondering if anyone has been in this situation or if anyone has any advice please.

For as long as I can remember I have always known that my dad wasn't my real father iykwim. I have always been happy with this but since having my children I have thought more and more about trying to find my birth father, and what he would be like.

When my mum fell pregnant with me they were both at college and from strict catholic backgrounds, so things were difficult for them and they split. I have never met my father.

In reading a few of the recent threads about fellow mners meeting up with relatives they have not seen in a while and feeling like they have found "someone like them" or been able "to find answers to question" has really made me think.

I think I would like to try to trace my father, but I'm not really sure where to start, or how I would deal with the feelings it would bring up, and also how this would effect my mum (although she has said in the past she would support me if I ever wanted to do anything about it).

I'm aware that my father may well have a whole life with a family who know nothing of me and he may want nothing to do with me.

But I feel as though I have to try.

I know basic details - name, dob, his parents names (although I think they are both dead now)and names of his siblings, schools and colleges attended and his parents last address. I think I could also get more information from my mum if I probed but I'm not entirely sure how much she knows.

So wise women out there any advice, or any ideas how I should begin my search.

Thank you.

longlost Tue 28-Dec-04 21:29:11

Anyone?

stabilo Tue 28-Dec-04 21:34:16

no help sorry but am in the same situation with regrds to my real father and am seriously considering it - goodluck xx

blossomhill Tue 28-Dec-04 21:37:38

Social services or the Salvation Army would be a good start

onlyjoandthethreekings Tue 28-Dec-04 21:39:50

not got any advice for you, i was in care and only met my mum when i was 14 saw her a few times but not seen her since i was sixteen, i think my mum had lots of mental health issues which at that time i couldnt handle and since i have had my kids i dont want to put them in difficult situations, my mum doesnt know that i have kids or where i live, as for my dad i dont know who he is and my mum has given two different names,having met some of my birth family aunties ect i am in no doubt i dont wish to meet anymore, i know there are some postive expereinces out there, i just had so many years of living in kids homes and building up a picture of what my real family would be like and was dissapointed ,hope someone else can help you with info ect, good luck.
jo

longlost Tue 28-Dec-04 21:59:56

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Sorry your experince wasn't what you hoped for Jo. That's why I'm not really hoping or expecting much. I know I have been really lucky because I have had a very good and stable upbringing, and I am not really looking for something from my father iykwim, so hopefully if things don't work out I will have lost nothing. Its more just curiosity.

Blossomhill, I have previously looked on the salvation army website and they will not help you locate a parent if they are not named on your birth certificate (which is the case for me). I don't know if this would also be the case for social services I have never thought of them, but I will look into it , thanks.

Stabilo, please let me know if you reach a decision and we could perhaps share ideas.

Thanks

jenkel Tue 28-Dec-04 22:24:19

I went through this with my DH, he never knew his father. His mum was always straight with him, she had several boyfriends and eventually got married, he always knew that these men were not his real dad. Anyway, we met when he was 18, when he was 22 he decided that the time had come to meet his real dad. The only key we had was with his mum, so he approached his Mum, she had never spoken to him about his dad but somehow had a phone number of his sister. So my DH rang the sister and it turned out his dad had moved to NZ. The sister was really helpful, she knew of his existence. Anyway, within minutes of DH speaking to the Sister we had a phone call from NZ and it was his Dad. Thankfully everybody had been very straight with each other. His dad knew of DH's existence and told his wife and his sons. 2 years later we flew out to NZ to meet his dad. He leads a completely different life to us, but fills huge holes in DH's life and I know that he feels so much better for getting to know his Dad, they dont have a particulary close relationship, but both benefit from the relationship that they have. And because nobody kept any secrets, his wife and sons are fine with it all.

pixiefish Tue 28-Dec-04 22:27:37

seeing as you've got his education details how about friends reunited?

longlost Tue 28-Dec-04 22:42:39

Thanks Jenkel thats a really hopeful story, I guess I will try to get any details I can from my mum. I will try to bring up the subject the next time I see her I just hope it won't be awkward!

Pixiefish, I have tried friends reunited several times over a few years and neither him nor his 3 sisters are listed searching under both names and schools.

Very greatful for all stories (good and bad) and suggestions. Keep them coming please.

Also does anyone know if you can find out if someone is still alive. For instance through the register of births, deaths and marriages? Sorry if I am being a bit think, but can you get access to this info?

Thanks.

longlost Wed 29-Dec-04 10:51:23

Just a bump for the day timers.

KangaSantaMummy Wed 29-Dec-04 11:02:33

I was adopted and met up with both bm and bd. through a charity in oxford that i have forgotten the name of atm.

bm had address of bd in australia and when we went round the world in 2002 rang him up and then met up. but he has not told any of his new family about me.

Carla Wed 29-Dec-04 11:02:54

longlost, no help whatsoever I'm afraid. Just wanted to say I think you're very brave (without wanting to sound patronising) XXXXX

longlost Wed 29-Dec-04 11:15:12

Thank you very much for your story Kanga.
And thanks for your kind words, carla, not patronising at all.

pineneedle Wed 29-Dec-04 11:19:34

Because of their series "who do you think you are", there is loads of useful stuff on the BBC website about tracing long lost relatives.

pineneedle Wed 29-Dec-04 11:34:24

here

KangaSantaMummy Wed 29-Dec-04 12:15:33

norcap

norcap is the charity

and they do a go between service so that they make contact with my birth mum then do not passs on adddresses until everyone is ready

IYSWIM

they were very good

not sure if they will be able to help but they should be able to point you in correct direction.

longlost Wed 29-Dec-04 17:23:19

Thanks for that link Kanga I've had a quick look.

Is that the organisation that helped you get in touch with your birth parents.

I think I will contact them to see if there is anything that they could to to help me (as I was not adopted iyswim) as £50 is a lot to pay for nothing.

Thanks for going to the trouble of finding the link for me.

Thanks also to pineneedle, will have a better look at both sites later when kids are in bed.

roisin Wed 29-Dec-04 18:49:30

Hi Longlost! I haven't any advice about how to go about looking, but would encourage you to contact an organisation which will offer you support and advice, and preferably a third person to do some initial liaison on your behalf. This sort of search/reunion process is usually pretty emotionally exhausting on all sides, and you need to take it very very slowly, and prepare yourself in advance for possible outcomes. (For instance your birth father may have died, or may not wish to have contact with you.)

On a more positive note - I expect he thinks of you often. I had a baby adopted at birth 15 years ago, and I think of him very, very often. I dream of him choosing to make contact again at some point in the future.

On another positive note, have you read this thread? A mumsnetter decided to start to trace her birth mother this year, and eventually did meet up with her. It's a very moving story.

I hope things go well for you.

tillykins Wed 29-Dec-04 19:14:36

Traceline might be able to help - for about £30 they search NHS records in England and Wales and they will act like a liaison service - I think you can write to your father and they will tell him they have a letter for him

traceline link

They also have connections to other organisations who can help
Good luck

KangaSantaMummy Wed 29-Dec-04 19:30:54

yes they contacted bm for me then you write a letter without giving address then she did same and they act as middle man you send the letters to them and theyn forward them then when both ready then you exchange addresses etc.

BF I wrote to because BM had address of his in australia.

they were also there to give support through the process just rung them up when had a question about how you are feeling etc.

I would ring them and ask if they can help if not am sure they could send you in correct direction.

KangaSantaMummy Wed 29-Dec-04 19:32:20

rosin I am sure that you can register with them and then if your DS goes to them in 3 years then they can contact you IYSWIM

roisin Wed 29-Dec-04 19:41:08

Thanks KSM - I am already registered on the Norcap database, someone on here told me about it about a year ago and I registered my details with them.

KangaSantaMummy Wed 29-Dec-04 19:58:03

blossomhill Wed 29-Dec-04 20:00:50

My sister found us through social services. My had to have her adopted 37 years ago as she was young and had no support. I know she looked for something like 15-20 years but it was social services who finally found my mum in the end
It has been a very happy ending too as I am very close to her we are like proper sisters. Well as much as we can be but we do get on realy well - thankfully!

jampots Wed 29-Dec-04 20:06:36

Longlost - i found my dh's birthmum 2.5 years ago through a lady called Annette Sparrow from Oxford - she was absolutely wonderful. If you want to get in touch I can give you her number. From first enquiry through to giving me her details took less than 2 weeks. I have recommended her to another couple of people on this site, obviously wont say who but if they come along hopefully they will vouch for her too.

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