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Sleepless in the North - long rant - sorry

(12 Posts)
cantunderstandit Sun 26-Dec-04 02:23:39

I've changed my name ... some of you may recognise me anyway.

Dp decided to go on a jaunt earlier this month. By jaunt I mean leaving when I was on a bloomin' MN meet-up. I came back to an empty house. He'd upped and left to his parents.

We've had loads of problems this year - redundancy, lack of money, trying to set up a new business, dp being somewhat a workaholic - teamed with me being a mum of two growing up children (one with SN and challenging behaviour) and a poorly mum. So we've had a lot to contend with.

DP has been working from home with his new business but moved into premises 5 weeks ago. He then became so unhelpful around the house assuming that when he walked in, tea would be on the table and he could put his feet up for the night. The night of the huge row, which ended up with him leaving, resulted from me asking him to do more. I am a SAHM but also a carer of my SN child so my night-time routine can go on up until 10pm - she's 12. My two kids are not DP's. His son comes to stay with us at weekend.

I'm ranting, I know. Anyway, I was distraught when he said he wasn't coming home. After a week of him staying with his parents and then at a mate's house, he came home. We both acknowledged that we needed to spend more QT with each other. We agreed that we needed to court each other again and it was lovely the weekend he moved back it. Both exes made sure we could have time to ourselves and we really got it together.

So he's back again ... and still assuming he should be waited on. His parents are coming later on today and my stomach's churning. I didn't ask them to come - he did on a misunderstanding that I wanted them here - long story. I'm enraged my his mother as she addressed the Christmas card to dp, his son and me (no mention of my children). He was really making the effort a week or so ago but last Tuesday, I asked him if he still loved me and he said not at the moment. He said he was hoping to grow to love me again but couldn't promise anything. I opened my Christmas card this morning and it said 'to my best friend'.

I'm trying to be tolerant and patient but it's hard. I moved counties with my children a few years ago so we could all be nearer to his work-place. If I'd have been still living in Lancashire when he left a couple of weeks ago, I'd have probably thrown the towel in. But I feel stranded in Yorkshire now and cannot uproot again as my children are now in very good schools.

It's been good to type this out. I've already moved into the spare bed tonight as I couldn't sleep and took two Nytols but my tum's still growling.

I honestly do not know what the solution is. Maybe Relate? But that would cost money, which we do not have a lot of at the moment. I still really do love him.

roisin Sun 26-Dec-04 08:37:47

Oh crikey hon - sorry no-one was up in the night to post to you. Big <<<hugs>>>.

I don't have any advice/experience to offer, but I'm thinking of you, and hoping things get better for you.

tigermoth Sun 26-Dec-04 10:15:35

same here, I don't know who you are but sending you a hug. I didn't realise your mumsnet night out had such a shocking ending.

All I can say is the fact that he is sticking around must mean something. If he's allowing his parents to come over to yours for boxing day, it doesn't sound like he is planning a swift exit from your life. Ok it was a misunderstanding, but he could have told his parents things weren't good between ou and not to come, if he had wanted to, presumably. My gut feeling is that his words about leaving should not be taken at face value, if that's any help.

cantunderstandit Sun 26-Dec-04 16:54:55

Thanks TM and Roisin.

When I logged out earlier, I went back to the spare bed but couldn't sleep/ I ended up climbing back into bed with him. He woke and I spilled out my feelings. He told me things are much better for him now and at least he's been honest with his feelings. We ended up being intimate.

He knew this morning just how nervous I was about his parents. We both tidied up from yesterday and at least he helped. When his parents arrived, I had a panic attack but with his dad's help, I managed to get over it.

Oh I sound a real selfish b**ch. S**t has happened in our relationship earlier this month and it's cleared the air I suppose. But my emotions are still raw and I feel fragile. I also feel very close to him and value his affection. But as I told him last night, I wish I knew what what had stopped him loving me along the way. BTW he has previously asked me to marry him and I was looking forward to tying the knot when we had sufficient funds. He replied that he feels stronger towards me than he did before we had the row and things can only improve (because I'm turning him on again etc.).

Well thanks for listening. It's helped me a lot to offload. Only we can solve this problem but it shows how precious a good relationship is.

WideWebWitch Sun 26-Dec-04 17:01:40

I don't think Relate always charge, isn't it according to means? I think you should try to go if possible. His mum's a mean old bag and very unkind I think not to mention your children on the card. Your dp is totally unreasonable IMO to want to put his feet up when he gets in, that's not what a partnership is all about. So I think you need to sort this out, god, division of labour is the root cause of so many rows isn't it? And it's not usually the woman sitting on her arse expecting to be waited on...

cantunderstandit Sun 26-Dec-04 17:52:04

True WWW! This is what I'm needing. Some straight talking to. This is why I'm in such a muddle. My head is telling me to put my foot down yet my heart is telling me to tread lightly.

I must admit that things are better today. See how I sleep tonight. I'll keep you updated girls ... thanks for being there!

Yorkiegirl Sun 26-Dec-04 19:17:47

Message withdrawn

tillykins Sun 26-Dec-04 19:25:07

Hello cantunderstandit. I'm sorry I don't know who you are and I am really sorry that you are so unhappy.
It does sound like your partner wants to be with you - perhaps he is one of those men who just doesn't want to have to make an effort. My friends husband always thinks because he works all day, that my friend should do everything in the house, even in the evenings and weekends. He gets everso stroppy if he has to do a lot around the house
And his mum sounds really mean, what was she thinking in not including your children on the card? Thats horrid
I think relate is a really good idea, I don't think you have to pay a lot and it doesn't sound like your relationship has disintegrated, just that you need to clear up some things. Perhaps talking things through with a professional will solve those things, I hope so
Lots of luck and hugs

lulupop Sun 26-Dec-04 19:25:32

Cantunderstand it, I'm glad things seem to have picked up a bit for you, and hope they continue to do so. I am having a shit time myself in my marriage, but just wanted to say that when we saw Relate (last summer) they charged £40 per hour, or what you could afford. I guess this is determined on the basis of earnings.

Personally, I didn't find Relate that helpful overall, as we are still having a very bad ride. But TBH I think that that's more to do with our own incompatibility than any failure on part of Relate.

Worth a try if there is hope, anyway.

tigermoth Mon 27-Dec-04 10:28:50

glad things seem to be on the up again. Can't advise you on Relate as I have never been. You seem to be making a supreme effort to get this relationship back on track. And you realise that this does not mean putting your partner's wants and wishes before yours.

Does his unhelpfulness around the house stem from the time he changed workplaces? Was it just a change of workplace or a complete change of routine? Even if he is doing exactly the same stuff, his working day must be longer now, as he has to factor in travel to and from work. Is he under much more stress now (and christmas won't have helped either)?

Are there any small practical things you can do to make his day at work any easier - taking phone messages, driving errands etc. OK this is a change of tactic, not fighting fire with fire any more, and this might seem the very last thing you want to do at the moment, but if he sees you are offering to make his working day easier, and treating your relationship as a partnership, he should, if he has a good heart, feel compelled into helping more at home. I am not suggesting that this is a full answer to everything, but it could be a useful tactic to try out - turning the tables as it were (it works a bit with my husband anyway).

cantunderstandit Mon 27-Dec-04 10:29:11

You're bang on YG! It's me. I'll send you an e-mail.

I feel a bit better today. I think this month's events have taken their toll and I'm physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. DP's had to go into work today but I don't mind. He's thanked me for coping with yesterday. I replied that I felt like Natalie Appleton in 'I'm a celebrity ...' knowing I had to do it but not having the energy to keep myself composed.

I did sleep well last night but dreamt a lot (dreams like getting back to my car and finding the radio nicked and trying to get back to an airport in a foreign land when the tour bus drivers go on strike.

I think the trigger for this confusion is because my two went to their dad's on Christmas Day night and run up to that point was so busy and occupied my mind fully. It was when I went to bed that night knowing that all the Christmas rush was over and I wouldn't have the responsibility of being a mum for a couple of days. My mind must have started homing in on other events of the month, which I've been able to push aside by preparing for Christmas.

Hope I am making sense. (This thread is helping me a lot!!!)

tillykins Mon 27-Dec-04 12:45:00

yes, you are making sense cantunderstandit. I think you are being really brave about all this, particularly that you are thinking about it and what to do next, lots of people would hide their heads in the sand and try not to face it
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