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How do you leave an abusive relationship when you are broke and alone

(54 Posts)
ElectricBlue Thu 23-Dec-04 00:56:31

I can't post this under my normal name. I have stayed in an abusive relationship. I've been scared to leave - scared of him and scared of life. I've become nervy, jumpy, distracted and feel unemployable in the real world. I'm a SAHM but I work for my H. When we were in love and happy it was perfect working together, now it feels like slave labour with someone I have come to despise and I'm stuck. He has the business and I do the admin plus I'm a mum of DS who is 7. He has little time for us. I feel I am only staying because I am too scared to go and my options feel narrow. H regularly tells me that I have a charmed life and that I live off him. He hates his job and we are in debt. He mainly controls our money and he nags me often to go back to work, but I'm a nervous wreck just being around him and I am very busy because our life revolves around him. I don't have close friends to confide in anymore.

He has been violent in the past. He appears to have mended his ways in the last 12 months (even so, I don't trust him). He seems to have a split personality. He will be terrifying, abusive, aggressive and I will be shaking with fear, then he'll calm down later and try and cuddle me. Then he'll get annoyed if I am stiff about it. He sometimes verbally abuses me in front of our DS. DS is utterly confused he wants his dad to be his hero. Like many violent men, he is all talk about leaving me, but he won't release me or let me release myself.

I want to leave but I don't know how to leave him without losing my sanity. The house is in my name, but he runs his business in a part of the house. He'd want the house on the market and would want 50% (so he tells me in rows). The house could take months to sell and he probably won't move out because he won't have the money to live elsewhere until the house is sold. We are also horribly in debt at the moment and are threadbare at Xmas because of something out of our control that happened recently - so the timing of a split is horrendous, but feel I may be in danger.

I don't know much about benefits, but from what I have heard, because my house is an asset in my name, it will affect me claiming benefits??? Is that right. Even if he were able to move out, I don't know how I could support myself and my son - I can't go back to work - I'll crack - I'm too much on the edge. I know I'll be fine when he is out of my life .. but... HOW do I do it?

I can't see any situation where I can get him out of my life quickly and survive mentally or financially - he'll be breathing down my neck. It's probably the main reason why women stay so long in abusive/violent relationships. Please advise. Thanks.

fairyfly Thu 23-Dec-04 01:00:07

you will leave when you fall out of love with him and that is the truth, look after it all

chimpie Thu 23-Dec-04 01:35:45

I really feel for you and am so sorry you are going throught this pain. My best friend has been in an abusive (mainly verbally in front of her ds, sometimes physically) she has finally found the courage to leave him and after a lot of financial and mental hassle she feels very sad but liberated. It is really hard at this time of year but she could not bear it any longer, she used mediators to talk about money and access and found that they were more lenient towards her than to her husband. She was sure he would take everything but has had to be fair through using mediators... Hope this is useful .

fairyfly Thu 23-Dec-04 01:44:41

you never leave, you love and hold and grip on to the fact you can make him better, it's more than female power, its about making that man who you love with your entire heart realise he has a chance and can stop and realise how loved he is,. thats why for all of you, women dont leave, they are in love and loyal xx

biglips Thu 23-Dec-04 02:00:56

i was in a relationship years ago (mentally abuse relationship) and i was in a relationship with this guy for 6 months but i has to "hang around" with him for the next 3 half yrs. i finished the relationship cos guy was very immature and very jealous (i was getting all the blame). I was scared leaving him as i was living on my own and he used to come round and be kicking the door and banging the window cos he thought i had a fella in my flat. it got to the point where i wanted to push him in front of a car to shut him up. i was speaking to him like shit and i didnt care if i hurt his feelings, i ended up hating him very much so i called it a day after i moved back home and i felt free like a bird. it was a relief after putting it up with this guy. i always thought i would never be in that situation but its all in the head that he brainwashed me with, like threats and blackmailing for 4 yrs. now im with my fiance and got a 10 wks old baba and my fiance is the best thing ever happened to me - i will marry him one day . im starting counselling after new year cos im still angry over my ex 5 yrs later . i left my ex when i was ready to leave him for goods.

turquey Thu 23-Dec-04 03:40:33

I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through Electric blue. It sounds as though you can't go on, for your own sake and your son's. You should be able to get a residency order for yourself and your son to stay in the house, and the business side of things can be dealt with at a later date.
I would get in touch with womens aid
as soon as possible, they have a 24 hour freephone helpline 0808 2000 247
also the
on divorce
website has a legal advice helpline (not free) and discussion boards etc, might be worth a look.
Women's aid would be able to advise you on getting a restraining order against him.

wobblystarryknicks Thu 23-Dec-04 07:09:50

fairyfly - ffs stop talking rubbish!!! There's no way it's right to stay with someone who's abusing you just in the hope that they'll change - you can't change someone else, if they want to be a violent @rsehole that's their choice. If I'd done what you're advising I'd probably be dead or in hospital now, having left a daughter who'd probably get mentally abused and hit throughout her childhood. But that's ok in your twisted little world is it?

electricblue - at least you've made the decision that you want to leave, which is often the hardest part. You've got 2 main choices AFAIK - you can either ask the police to get him to leave the home, and get a restraining order to stop him bothering you there, or you can move out (with your ds) to a refuge, where he won't know where to find you. You're well within your rights to do either. Then go to a solicitor who offers legal aid and they'll be able to tell you where to take it from there.

There's benefits you can claim to stop you be forced to go back to work if that's not what you want, and your gp or women's aid will be able to offer you counselling if you feel you want/need it.

You seem really brave and I hope everything goes well xxx

WideWebWitch Thu 23-Dec-04 07:33:55

Electricblue, well done for facing up to this, that often seems to be a very hard part for women in abusive relationships. And you're not alone if you're a mumsnetter, there are plenty of people here to support you. Women's Aid will be able to help you with the practicalities of how to leave.

nellie245 Thu 23-Dec-04 08:21:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday Thu 23-Dec-04 08:25:28

Message deleted

sarahg31 Thu 23-Dec-04 08:35:26

I am also in the same boat as u will see from yesterdays threads. I am not married to mine but it has been violent from the onset. I was also broke, couldn't work because of a disabled child so depended on him for a roof and mone and stuff. So that was where the control reall to hold. Went to the council and they offered me funding for accommodation. It has taken two months on the quiet but I have done it and now in the process of getting out with a bit of courage. It is hard but I have recentl found out that there are people and institutes out there that can help with this. For ann independant person lie myself it is hard to accept other peoples help but took it nonetheless and it has paid off in leaps and bounds.

cab Thu 23-Dec-04 08:45:22

Electricblue don't be so sure you'll crack if you go back to work. It might be just what you need to give yourself some extra self confidence, new friends, a life outside the home and some money.
Could be worth a visit to the g.p. too.
Best of luck.

JJ Thu 23-Dec-04 09:15:56

If you need to get out of the house, there are women's refuges - you can look here for more information. On the site is also what to expect in a shelter and how they will help you start getting your life back together. If you're worried about being in danger, you might also program the helpline number (0808 2000 247) into your phone under a fake name (if you're worried about him seeing it).

SuzyStockings Thu 23-Dec-04 09:29:27

You need Wig & Robes to come back but I think (not certain) that if the property is in your name you can kick him out and he will have to go through legal proceedings to get whatever the court think he's enitiled to.

You should be able to serve notice on his business (if you have a contract) not sure what happens if you don't.

Just be strong about it, let him see you won't let him get the better of you and that will hurt him more than anything. For men that abuse it's all about control, take that control away and that when you freak them out/get the better of them and eventually win!

Be strong for your son, change the locks next time he goes out. lock youself in, see if ds can stay with a friend or family member. keep a phone near you (in case you need to call the police) and sit it out.

It's your property!! I made the mistake of running from a house I owned and then it took me months to get xp out.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do

IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday Thu 23-Dec-04 10:11:35

Message deleted

SuzyStockings Thu 23-Dec-04 10:25:00

Hi Wig - sorry, just meant come back as in 'come back to this thread' I didn't think you had flounced.

IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday Thu 23-Dec-04 10:33:00

Message deleted

stressedmummy Thu 23-Dec-04 11:38:51

Your situation sounds very similar to mine.
My dh scares me constantly with his temper & I feel like I spend all my time trying not to make him angry.
I like you, have not found the courage to leave & was not sure exactually how to go about it.
If you look up my thread, you will see all the great advise that w&r has given to me.
Best of luck in whatever you decide.
I know exactually how you are feeling.

IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday Thu 23-Dec-04 11:44:05

Message deleted

fairyfly Thu 23-Dec-04 12:11:32

Im not saying its right wk, im saying thats how you feel, and that is why you dont walk straight out of the door. I was explaining why a million people put up with it. I dont think they should, why should they? Each and every one of us at the first moment of any form of abuse should walk away. It is sick and disgusting. But if our heads ruled our hearts, it would not be an issue. It wouldn't even be discussed on a message board on the internet.

fairyfly Thu 23-Dec-04 12:19:22

and wk, i don't live in a twisted little world and i would really appreciate it if you climbed off the high horse, tired of this crap
Electric blue, i didn't leave when i first got hit, i am ashamed of that fact but i was in love. You should without a doubt walk away, without a doubt. I just know how hard it is. Never got any better though i swear, in the moments of thrill when i finally thought i had changed him, there he was again to pounce. Take care hon, it is a hard hard thing to break away from now, i am still under his power he still makes me feel worthless.

SuzyStockings Thu 23-Dec-04 12:36:18

Completely off topic but I was wondering fairyfly are you also forestfly or are you two different people? I've wondered for ages...

fairyfly Thu 23-Dec-04 12:38:52

same person ss, perhaps i shouldn't admit that??

SuzyStockings Thu 23-Dec-04 12:39:43

Ah thank you for clearing that up. Could never quite tell. Thought that you were same person but didn't like to assume!

fairyfly Thu 23-Dec-04 12:41:31

always better to assume nothing, like your style

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