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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

should I stay or should I go!

(17 Posts)
sarahg31 Wed 22-Dec-04 10:48:00

I am in a dilemma at the moment. I am in a relationship where m partner has been violent towards me to the point where he has broken my arm and be charged with abh on me. He has been nasty to my six year old epileptic son who he is not the father of but has his son by me who is 17 months old. I have now got myself a house of which he knows about as I currentl live under his roof but don't have the bottle to leave especially at this time of year. My family won't talk to me unless I leave him. I don't know why I don't just get my things and go and I don't know what is keeping me here. Maybe it's because I don't want to be on my own. I am very stressed and have lost a stone through this and I am currently very underweight and need to pull myself together for the kids sakes. Can anyone help and offer me some advice.

littledonkeyrach Wed 22-Dec-04 11:00:07

Sounds like you know you have to go, for all of your sakes. It is a horrible thought that you will be on your own, but you have your children, and your family. Are they close by? Do you have any friends that could support you?

I can't really offer any advice, but can offer sympathy and hugs.xx

I am sure there are other people who have more advice than me.

sarahg31 Wed 22-Dec-04 11:03:11

My mum is 12 miles away and my sister lives up north. I know I have to go but I am scared of the repercussions that will happen like when he comes looking for me to get his son which he has threatened b4 when I said i was going to leave. He said he will do the off with him and I can play happy families with my six year old. Today he has been begging me not to go and that he will change but I have heard it all b4

clarissa Wed 22-Dec-04 11:04:56

I was in the same situation as you, I got out and all my family helped and all my friends you have to go before he does worse to you, even if it means calling the police .I now have a great life and a fantastic man who loves me and my kids. hang on in there it always works out have courage. xxxx

sarahg31 Wed 22-Dec-04 11:08:06

My mum has told me to call the police to get an injunction out on him. Once I make the first move out It will b hard I know but I just need a good kick up the rear to get me moving and I know there will b a long queue for that

littledonkeyrach Wed 22-Dec-04 11:20:31

Can you stay with your mum until you are more settled?
Really don't know much about legalities, can you contact soliciter, ploice, find out what they can do to stop him taking DS? Or CAB?
If you have heard it all before, you know he will not change.
Also, if he has previously been charged with ABH, am sure the police will bw able to help you.
Good luck xx

cab Wed 22-Dec-04 11:22:21

Sounds like you need a bit of back-up there.
Could social services help. e.g. if you're not keen on him having your son on his own they can organise supervised visits for him that don't involve you? Would also visit CAB to see what they can do. Given that he's broken your arm a restraining order might also be a possibility.
Well done you for getting the house in place!!
Sounds like you've made your decision, it's just a matter of HOW to do it all. Would an option be to go to your mum's for the meanwhile so you're not on your own over Christmas? But if you're REALLY concerned for your safety a women's refuge might be another option.
Whatever, when it comes to actually moving out you need some back-up there - whether it be family, social services, police, whatever.
Look after yourself and best of luck. You sound like a very brave lady to me who's made the right decision for herself and her kids.

aloha Wed 22-Dec-04 11:24:15

Please go, if not for your own sake then for your children's sake. Making them live with this man will destroy their lives. You have been so brave getting the police involved and getting a house of your own for your family, now you just need to be a bit braver still. It is hard to make decisions when you are frightened and hurt and have been constantly hit and undermined, and your family ideally would be supporting you more, but they do have your best interests at heart in wanting you to leave him. Call the team working on your case, tell them about the threats this man is making to you about kidnapping your son etc and enlist their help. Also tell your family and say you want to leave but are frightened for your son and can they help you (perhaps by actually staying with you for a while so you aren't on your own?).
Good luck to you.

aloha Wed 22-Dec-04 11:25:35

An injunction would be a good thing I think. Do call the police and ask to either speak to someone you know from your case or to the domestic violence team.

OnZephyrstdayofXmas Wed 22-Dec-04 11:27:55

If you can, talk to Wig&Robe - she will give you some advice about maybe being able to serve a restraining order against him coming to your new house - that will give you peace of mind if you are scared of him finding your house and turning up. Find out about arranging contact with his son - you should be able to get supervised visits. Once you have done that then go. That way you will be in control of the situation and he can't just turn up and try to get you back. I really hope it works out for you, it will take a lot of courage to do it but you have taken the first steps by getting the house. If nothing else do it for your little ones.

cab Wed 22-Dec-04 11:28:27

p.s. I wouldn't discuss it ad nauseum with your partner as it could make things worse. Keep as quiet as you can until you've got it all sorted.

Your kids will thank you for all your efforts when they're older - believe me!!

sarahg31 Wed 22-Dec-04 11:28:59

I know there is a heck of a lot of support out there and I have and will take them All up. Lets hope next year will be a better one because 2004 has been a grim and awful time that I have ever experienced in one year. what with this going on and my son fitting every two weeks no wonder i look ill. Thanks for your comments. It's good to have 10 minutes timeout for myself once a day.

wild Wed 22-Dec-04 11:32:18

Please just go - especially at this time of year. You do not want to spend Xmas and have your children spend Xmas with this man. He is dangerously violent. You have done the preparation, all you need to do is pack a couple of bags and leave. Tell your family/friends so they can suppport you, and you have been given lots of good advice here about protecting yourself and your children. I understand you feel physically drained and weak, just one last step to freedom and a better life.

aloha Wed 22-Dec-04 11:38:57

And don't worry about contact. I think you would be perfectly justified in not letting that man anywhere near your family. Do what you need to do to feel safe.

IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday Wed 22-Dec-04 12:20:52

Message deleted

Blu Wed 22-Dec-04 12:47:02

Sweetie, you have to go, and I can understand that it is a scary move, but once you start, it will be much easier than you thought it would be. For a start, you won't be having to deal with him avery day.
Be calm, calmly and secretly gather what you need: passport, bank books etc, childrens birth certificates and health records, your personal documentation, and be ready to go when you can without him physically trying to stop you. Plan - make sure you have money for any journeys, phone charged and with credit, or change for phone box.
Can you go straight to your Mum or sister while you get an injunction sorted out (which since he has attacked you and threatened to come looking for you is surely a possibility?), stay with them over Christmas and then have your Mum, sister or friend come to the new house withy you for a while? I think you will find that many friends support your decision and will want to help, and if you can get access to a computer, you will find many many Mumsnetters who have been through this themselves, recently, and will talk with you every day.
If you can't go to a relative, do you know that if you are feeling threatened by him, you can go to a women's refuge immediately? The Women's Aid website will re-assure you.
Does he know where your new house is? Stop telling him details. Don't use it as a threat to try and make him get better - he won't and he will use the knowledge to keep you under his control.
Never mind Christmas - it is the ongoing safety and happiness of you and your children that matters. Good luck.

sarahg31 Wed 22-Dec-04 13:01:57

I will keep u all updated with what happens. Fingers crossed!

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