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How am I going to get through this :( (long post sorry!)

(713 Posts)
MyHeadIsSpinning Mon 17-Mar-08 12:43:47

I've been with DH for over 10yrs, married for 1 and have a new baby. LO was born prem and we have been going through hell but she is home now and doing well.

DH has always been indecisive and before each major milestone, getting engaged, a house, married etc he has had a panic and discussed splitting up as he doesn't think he loves me enough to get engaged, buy a house, get married etc.

However once we have talked things through and he has had his stress he always decides that he does love me and wants to be with me.

Surprisingly getting pregnant was one thing that he didn't stress about and was really happy that we were expecting. When I delilved LO early and it was touch and go for me and LO - apparently cos I was out of it but have been told by various people - DH was a bit of a mess which was understandable, ie couldn't speak for crying. However he won't talk about this and although has been supportive during the weeks LO was in hospital on SCBU I feel he could have been there for me more than he was.

Over the weekend things have come to a head. We've been having a few niggly arguements and he has said over the past few weeks that he isn't sure if he loves me enough (again) and has been thinking about us splitting up. Yesterday I made a real effort - did my hair and make up etc and tried hard to make an effort - we had agreed to do this the night before. However DH didn't notice the effort I had made and was sullen all day only speaking when I spoke to him etc. When I cracked and said that his behaviour was upsetting me and I was upset that he hadn't commented that I looked nice - he said that he hadn't noticed that I'd made an effort and didn't think I looked as though I had particularyly

We had a 'discussion' during which he told me that;

He feels it would have been easier if I had died when havign LO as this would have ade things easier for him ie wouldn't have to decided to stay with me or not - this really hurt and he knows how bad it sounded.

He doesn't feel that he loves me enough and wishes that he's 'had the balls to leave me before marrying an having a baby'

When I asked why he married me he said he thought it would be a solution to how he was feeling about being not sure about the relationship and everyone else seemed to think it was a good idea. He was NOT pressurised into marrying me or indeed even staying with me.

The arguement went on until I said that I wasn't prepared to share our baby and him be a weekend dad. That isn't why I brought her into the workd to be passed about between two homes etc. I told him that it's all or nothing he either has us both or looses us both cos I'm not beign a part time mum and our daughter needs a full time dad.

He went to walk out of the room and I asked him how he felt right then - he replied like he wants to die

I left him to cool off and then went upstairs to see him. He was sat on the bed crying. He Said that he loves our daughter and doesn't want to be a part time dad but isn't sure that he loves me enough etc. He broke down and cried so hard he was howling and holding on to me - this is not like him he cries but only a little. This was a major breakdown kind of cry.

We have decided to see how things go for a couple of months and both make a real effort to make our marriage work He has said that he would rather fall back in love with me and make it work but at the moment isn't sure that this is possible.

I just feel so empty and don't know what to think. Part of me feels so sorry for him cos I love him and he is hurting and I want to make things better but can't) I have suggested that maybe he is depressed after the birth and the general situation and he said that he doesn't think so cos he just feels the same way as he has previously.

On the other hand I'm so angry with him for what he has said and that he is taking away this precious time with my new baby cos I can't enjoy her as much as I would cos I'm worried about the future and being on my own if he does leave us.

He finds talking difficult so I'm off to buy a couple of notepads for us both to write our feeligns in about the relationship and anything else over the coming months - I feel for me it will be cathartic and help when I really want to talk and he doesn't, for him I hope that writing down his feeligns and fears will help put them into perspective and help him to work through how he feels whatever the outcome may be.

I just feel sooo sad and can't stop thinking about what he has said and also part of me thinks that maybe we shoudl just call it a day and I can move on and find someone who does love me although not sure this would work as the person I want to love me doesn't Also I really don't want to be a single parent.

meemar Mon 17-Mar-08 12:49:10

I am so so sorry for you sad.

Have you considered counselling? Your husband has said some hurtful things but ultimately he sounds very very sad and feels like he doesn't know what to do, so is pushing you away.

Maybe counselling will help you get to the root of the issue, and make a decision about what to do.


Overrun Mon 17-Mar-08 12:49:46

Oh poor you, no wonder your head is spinning. I must admit to feeling quite annoyed with your dh on your behalf, he sounds quite self absorbed, picking petals of a daisy, I love her, I love her not hmm
Its miserable that at every big stage of your relationship you have had to wait on his decision and now this.

I don't know whether he is depressed, maybe, but once again it sounds like you are sorting every thing out. Coping with the crisis.

What he said to you about it would have been better if you had died, is just unbelievable. angry

themildmanneredbunny Mon 17-Mar-08 12:52:22

i don't think i can say anything helpful.
i think i'd have binned him years ago when he said he didn't know if he loved you enough to get married.
he sounds utterly self absorbed.

WonkyAngel Mon 17-Mar-08 12:52:43

I don't know what to say? I am so shocked at what he said to you. That it would've been better if you had died. I honestly can't get my head around that one, so I don't even know how you would?? I'm so so sorry.

I think you're right about him being depressed. I think he needs to see his GP ASAP. Regardless of whether he's always felt like this. Feelings get horribly mixed up when you're depressed.

The notepads are a good idea, but I think he needs councelling.

What do you think he would do if you took the decision away from him. If you were to say, "okay, leave. Lets have a break and see how things go."

He can't have his cake and eat it, i.e. not being with you but not being a part time dad, and he might need a kick up the arse to make him realise his true feelings.

In fact, I'm sorry, but I want to come and give him a kick up the arse for saying to you what he did. angry

sad meemar, is right. Relate sounds like a good solution for both of you. You both said some very hurtful things to each other. He should never have said that he wishes you had died! That is horrendous.

Do you really feel that you have the right to deny him his child if this relationship doesn't work?

Relate can help you sort through all your issues. He sounds very depressed.

MyHeadIsSpinning Mon 17-Mar-08 12:56:11

I'm sat here crying now as I really feel so sad about it all and because I'm angry that he makes me feel unloved and under pressure at an already really stressful time.

The thing is everyone commented on how much he loved me on our wedding day - he was the one who got emotional over the vows, did a lovely speach, cried with emotion at the DVD when we watched - which was less than a year ago and watching the DVD yesterday - just to torture myself lol I agree. He even said at the time he could do it every year and wishes he hadn't waited so long. So I know that he did love me. It's just he seems to be doubting it now and said thathe thinks maybe he only enjoyed the 'party' aspect of getting married rather than actually getting married.

WonkyAngel Mon 17-Mar-08 12:58:32

It sounds to me that he is unhappy / sad / depressed, and the only thing he can think of, to blame it on, is your marriage.

But my guess is that he will be unhappy without you too.

Will he go to the docter?

meemar Mon 17-Mar-08 12:58:34

Have you discussed marriage counselling?

You really do deserve better than this "half-relationship" that you have at the moment. It seems like you're just living in limbo sad

Overrun Mon 17-Mar-08 12:59:59

He just over analysises every thing, he sounds quite immature to me. Perhaps parenthood has brought that home to him, and panicked him.

I have been with some one like this when I was younger, hot and cold, did he love me or not. I was so glad when I left him, the best decision.
I know that it is more complicated in this case. I think going to some thing like relate would be a good idea.

MyHeadIsSpinning Mon 17-Mar-08 13:00:46

We did try relate once before when he wanted to split up and in a way it helped because after that we got married but TBH neither of us really found the process helpful.

Not sure if he would try counselling again as he says that he feels how he feels and that's it.

I don't think that there is any chance of him going to our GP either. He only feels depressed about us and not anything else.

The wishing I'd died wasn't as harsh as it sounds - not to make excuses for him. He hates making decisions and I said well maybe if I'd died things would have been easier and he said yes they would. I brough t it up again later and he agreed that it was harsh but it was the way he felt that it would have taken the decision of what to do away from him. Although he says he didn't want me to die, just felt unfussed by the fact.

CoteDAzur Mon 17-Mar-08 13:01:53

He sounds like a weasel.

I think you need to kick him out and move on. You have no future with a guy who "wishes that he's 'had the balls to leave me before marrying an having a baby'".

There are many more men in the world, a number of which are more worthy of your affection and efforts. (Probably doesn't feel like it to you now, though).

MyHeadIsSpinning Mon 17-Mar-08 13:04:08

Overrun you are so right he does overanalyse things and usually comes to the conclusion that he doesn't love me enough.

YouKnowNothing - I really would love a full relationship and TBH felt we had this from deciding to get married until having the LO.

Not sure I can carry on like this for the rest of my life never knowing if he is going to change his mind again.

I agree with WonkyAngel that he probably wouldn't be happy without me and this has alwaysbeen the general consensus with family and friends. However we have never tried it and I suppose I'm scared to. Even more so at the moment with a small baby and being on Mat leave money is tight etc.

Boco Mon 17-Mar-08 13:04:38

Poor you! He sounds very emotional generally, and very confused. It does sound a bit like depression - his feelings seem so muddled, I do think he needs to speak to someone about all this. As an already emotional person, it could be that the trauma of the prep birth and nearly losing both of you has given him some anxiety or depression and he's just not dealing with it or understanding it.

It's really not fair on you and you need support now more than ever.

Be clear that this isn't you, it isn't your fault. I hope he can be persuaded to see his gp.

MyHeadIsSpinning Mon 17-Mar-08 13:04:55

He really isn't a bad person and I love him to bits. Just wish he loved me as much

MyHeadIsSpinning Mon 17-Mar-08 13:06:08

I really don't think he will see anyone about this and we will have to work it though together. I'm usually strong but at the moment feel so vulnerable and need him to protect and love me not leave me

meemar Mon 17-Mar-08 13:06:25

Although this is very raw at the moment you may, have to come to accept that the relationship is over as far as he is concerned and think in practical terms about what to do.

If he will not try counselling again, it's either because he genuinely doesn't think it will help, or he really has made up his mind and isn't willing to give it a last shot.

As another poster has said, you don't deserve to be living a life in limbo. If he doesn't love you the way you need him to you will be better off alone rather that living together with this heartache.

WonkyAngel Mon 17-Mar-08 13:08:33

I'm afraid I agree with coteDAzur. Why don't you make the decision for him then?

You really do deserve better. You have had 10 years of this already, do you really want the rest of your life to be like this?

I know it's easier said than done, but I do think you should leave him. Whether it's permanent or not remains to be seen. Maybe then he will realise what he is putting you through and that he should really be happy with you.

And if he does change and you take him back, you can always remind him that you won't think twice about doing it if he regresses again.

Show him what it is like to have balls. He is dragging you down.

And btw, when I had pnd, I would've sworn that the only thing I was depressed about was my relationship with my husband. When in fact, it was just the only thing I could say I was vaguely unhappy about. You don't always know what you're depressed about, you just are. So to make it easier for ourselves, we find something. Often it's the relationship we're in.

beaniesteve Mon 17-Mar-08 13:10:25

I think he has been incredibly insensitive. However I think you have been incredibly cruel suggesting that if he breaks up with you then he can't see his child. It's unreasonable and NOT fair on your child nor your husband.

Sounds to me like he's depressed, and after this I imagine he will be even more so now.

beaniesteve Mon 17-Mar-08 13:11:56

OH - and sorry - but how is he a weasle? He has been honest and all he has got in return is ^I won't let you see our child if you leave me^.

MyHeadIsSpinning Mon 17-Mar-08 13:12:05

I don't feel strong enough to leave him and if we do split up and he meets someone else who he does love more or even sleeps with someone else I really couldn't cope.

I'm going to go out for a walk to think things through.

Thanks for all your advice it's helping me to see things from different perspectives.

I don't want to live in limbo and feel that's what I am doing but I don't believe that he doesn't love me. I think he does but is depressed.

MyHeadisSpinning, you've been through a huge amount in the past year:-

Marriage, pregnancy, premature birth of your LO, and your h telling you he doesn't love you...

This is more than one big change, this is several all at once. You, rightly, want to be focused on your dc at the moment, and instead your h is laying all of his neuroses on you. All you want is support, and he is not giving it to you. He sounds like more of a burden than a life-partner at the moment.

Given all of the above, and the fact that you are still functioning as a loving mother, how on earth can you say that you are not strong?! smile

Personally, I think you sound pretty phenomenal.

wannaBe Mon 17-Mar-08 13:14:09

How is your relationship when he’s not behaving like this? Because actually, he sounds quite controlling to me. Not in the “you can’t have friends or go out” sense, but by saying he wishes you’d died and then going upstairs and sobbing so making the sympathy come back to him.

It sounds like this has always been on his terms. He didn’t think he loved you enough to do x, y, and z, and every time things have only happened with his blessing.

I would take some control back. You deserve better.

MyHeadIsSpinning Mon 17-Mar-08 13:15:38

beaniesteve - I have apologised to him about saying he must give 100% or not see his daughter. I wouldn't do this. I don't want him to be deprived of his daughter nor her of her dad but I didn't have a child and go through the trauma of SCBU etc to have to hand her over and not see her at weekends. I really don't think I could do this and as I am exclusively BFing and intend to until she self weans this would make things difficult.

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