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Am I missing something here?

(21 Posts)
childish Sun 19-Dec-04 22:04:10

Bit of history. DD (4) has a friend who is to put it mildly a bit boisterous. Over the years he has bitten her a number of times at nursery. Nursery don't mention names but when I ask her she tells me and nursery staff sort of nod. I know his mum - used to be friends but don't see her that much anymore but would have still said she was a friend. Have always tried to be grown up about the biting - i.e. it happens, possible that the nursery have not mentioned who he has bitten blah blah blah. Well recently it happened again and for some reason it really upset me. Then I found out that the mother knows it was my DD that he bit - considering the chidren are friends (go to each others birthday parties, swap christmas pressies etc) and that we used to be quite good friends I thought that she might at least ring up to check that DD was ok. So i took adeep breath and called her - basically she said that as there was no mark it didn't matter and she didn't think she needs to check that DD was ok! I was fuming and basically said ok - goodbye and put the phone down. Felt that she thought it was ok for her son to use my daughter as a punchbag. A few days later bumped into her DH - said hello and he just made a face at me - when I saw her she just blanked me. Saw her and her DH again and again they both blanked me - Am I mising something here? Have I done something wrong. I can't help thinking that I am better off out of it. Can anybody see what planet she is on? Although we have a few mutual friends it is unlikely that our paths will cross more than once a twice a year. I mam best to just walk away from this aren't I?

Gobbledigoose Sun 19-Dec-04 22:06:50

Can't see what planet she's on I'm afraid and your best off without a bitch like that.

Oh, a bit harsh but how I feel I'm afraid

childish Sun 19-Dec-04 22:14:44

Thanks GG - you wonder if you're going mad though. Apparently she told somebody that I was being insensitive as I know the problems that she has with her DS (He is rowdy and does bite/hit if he doesn't get his own way but never hurts his own brother - apparently he is very gentle at home - don't think it excuses HER behaviour though.

PS the last time he bit my DD he chased her down the playground and bit her on the ear - my poor dd spent about a week telling me it had really hurt when he bit - poor little mite - she still calls him her friend though and even after the last incident I sent an Xmas card to the boy from my DD. Perhaps I should have had it out with the mother then but my natural inclination is to avoid confrontation but this time I though if I don't stand up for DD who will?

childish Sun 19-Dec-04 22:46:57

Anybody else have any thoughts on this?

Hulababy Sun 19-Dec-04 22:49:48

I don't think you have done anything wrong and it is the other woman who is acting strangely.

lockets Sun 19-Dec-04 22:51:28

Message withdrawn

blossomgoodwill Sun 19-Dec-04 22:53:14

Please - walk away. Some people bury there heads too far in the sand and will not allow themselves to think there ds/dd would be capable of doing something like that. Pathetic!

Dreams Sun 19-Dec-04 23:24:46

Hi my son went through a bad stage like most kids but thankfully never bite this was when he 1 1/2 he used to pull my friends little girls hair and push her over. i was devastated as you can imagine! but i always apoligised, made sure her little girl was ok.(she is a tuff cookie too though) but still not the point. I have him under control now and my friend is still my friend! I cant really understand why she is blanking you and why she never called i find that strange....maybe she is blind to what her son is doing but he might bite the wrong person soon and get a bite back! how old is he?

xmashampermunker Sun 19-Dec-04 23:27:06

I think she may well be embarrassed about what her DS is doing, but it certainly doesn't excuse her behaviour. As an adult, you are often in embarrassing situations (or is that just me?!) and you deal with it without pulling faces or blanking people.

I think you're best off without her as a friend, but I think it might be worth talking to nuresery about keeping a close eye on this boy near your DD. Poor little mite - fancy being bitten on the ear

nm Mon 20-Dec-04 00:17:03

I was angry at him at first but that soon passed - he IS a child after all - it is her behaviour (and that of her DH)that has puzzled me. the son is same age as dd - 4. She probably is embarassed - I wasn't necessarily even looking for an apolgy - just some consideration for my DD. Thanks for all of your posts - glad to know that I am not going mad!

childish Mon 20-Dec-04 00:18:41

oops - changed my name there!

Dreams Mon 20-Dec-04 00:27:42

from having experience of this i can tell you its very embarrassing i really used to get upset about it! 1 day i went to mother and toddlers and i ended up leaving cause my son pulled a girls hair i was so upset i went home phoned my dp and cried! it makes you feel everyone is talking about you and your ds/dd. i have not been back there since but i feel much much happier that i have taken the time and effort to control this situation before it got well out of hand !

Socci Mon 20-Dec-04 01:03:10

Message withdrawn

PaRumPumPumScum Mon 20-Dec-04 01:50:35

Is it possible she may have some quite serious concerns about her son's development, childish? Four is quite old to be biting, IME, and I'd guess there was a fair possiblility that she and her husband could be pretty frantic with worry about their boy. I absolutely appreciate that it's not acceptable for your daughter to be hurt and can quite see that you'd find that very upsetting. However, I must say that personally I wouldn't have expected someone to check on my kid following this kind of incident- unless it had necessitated a visit to the doctor or hospital. Suitable adult intervention and supervision at the time is about the best you can hope for in that situation, IMO. If they are concerned about his development and perhaps thought that you realised this from observing his behaviour or from things they've said, they may perhaps have found your phonecall quite hurtful in a rubbing salt in the wound sort of way, no matter how unintentional this was on your part?

childish Mon 20-Dec-04 13:49:42

Interesting PRPPS but as we have been friends before I did expect something from her - even if it was only to sayyes I know it happened is she ok? Her attitude seemed to be that my daughter's welfare doesn't matter. I love my faughter as much as she loves her son. I hear what you are saying and appreciate your taking the time to post on the thread but I think I am best to walk away from this.

childish Mon 20-Dec-04 13:50:31

my daughter - not my faughter (although she is a bit of a farter!)

toddlermum Fri 25-Feb-05 11:56:21

Hi. Got a bit of an update on this if anyone is interested - also as you can see I have changed my name

I decided that we were never going to be friends but it was ridiculous that there would be "blanking" if we ever bumped in to each other - I am generally a person who avoids conflict and tries to avoid bad feeling. I decided that I was going to be a grown up and not bear a grudge so over a week ago I sent this woman a text asking if she'd like to meet for a coffee. She hasn't even acknowledged the text! Am I being unreasonable? I think I have to now draw aline under this and move on.

What do you think?

suzywong Fri 25-Feb-05 12:03:03

I lost a friend over exactly the same thing, althought this friend did call up after each incident, there were quite a few, and just said sorry sorry sorry sorry with no strategy for how to deal with her son who did leave marks on mine through two layers of clothing. In the end I pulled ds1 out of the same nursery and she thought I was over-reacting but dh said how would we feel if ds1 had been actually poked in the eye with the toy golf club this kid hit him full in the face with instead of just cut and bruised?

So we had to cut ties and not go near each other and it was hard as she lived inteh same cul de sac. But ds1 never got assaulted again.

with regards to are you being childish, no I think you are doing exactly the right thing, the ball is in her court but you need to be sure you know what you want of her and nursery for that matter, if you do have this coffee with her, don't let her just whitewash you with blah blah blah. Rise above. I know it's hard when you've been friends but your child's safety is paramount IMO

Miaou Fri 25-Feb-05 12:10:18

Toddlermum I think you may just have to accept that she is not going to be friends with you any more, for whatever reason. I would guess that you are right, she is/was embarrassed by his behaviour and doesn't not know how to deal with it, but is unable to see your response as anything other than a criticism of her parenting skills. I think you have done absolutely the right things, right from the start, but I'm afraid that despite your best efforts she has obviously decided that her pride is more important than your friendship.

toddlermum Fri 25-Feb-05 12:12:10

Thanks Suzy. I don't feel there is anything more I can do - the children are now at separate schools so no worries re repeated assaults. Obbviously the child in me trying to be liked and be nice to everyone but you are right my dd's welfare is paramount and I must admit I do not regret any of my actions with regard to this matter but I don't like bad feeling - oh well can't get on with everyone I suppose.

toddlermum Fri 25-Feb-05 12:13:31

Thanks for your support Miaou.

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