can a marriage really be over after just 4 months?

[notsorosyinthegarden]

Any one else felt that they made the ghastliest biggest mistake in their life so soon after their wedding?
no one else involved .. but lots of life changes/ and stress /v young/..... now feels that they are living a lie and can only bear to kiss on cheek and avoids bedtime....says it feels like just friends. All one sided and feels that the relationship has run its course sadly and confusedly.Did have a big wobble 3 months before the wedding but thought that it was just that and not something more fundamental.
this is someone close to me and I have just no idea where to start to help. Have suggested counselling but they think that it has already gone beyond that in their own mind.
Not sure what I expect in reply to be honest ..I desp want things to work out but feel it is doomed already too. Feel I dont want to give too much info at this stage here.

[mampam]

I have a friend in a very similar situation to this and she is desperately unhappy. Unfortunately all you can do is to be there for your friend and give an opinion when it's asked for and a shoulder to cry on.

[mampam]

Sorry forgot to ask, do they want to save their marriage?

[catzy]

From what you've said it sounds like they've alreay made their decision.

All you can do is support.

[Scattybird]

Yep, of course it can. Lots of people think that after getting married, their relationship will just 'walk on air' as they are married. It's not like that. Any problems that were there before are still there. In fact, they are magnified as now the couple are married, there isn't actually a solution to them.

Can they see about getting it annulled. Not sure how one would go about this.

[hecate]

I think some people can get carried away, esp with the idea of A Wedding, and get caught up in planning it, that they forget that a marriage is a different beast altogether. When that wedding ball starts rolling, some people feel under too much pressure to go through with it, that too much has been arranged for them to be able to back out.

There's also quite often a feeling of anti-climax. You've had all that build up, had that Day - which can be anything from 2 mates at a reg office, to a £20,000 full on princess day!! Then bam! Reality. Loo seat tug of war, toothpaste stains on the sink and arguments over whether to have pork chops or chicken for tea. IME the bigger the wedding insofar as it's been the main focus as an event in itself the bigger the anti-climax and the more likelihood of problems adjusting to married life.

I think counselling is always a good first choice.

[morningpaper]

Totally agree with hecate

[notsorosyinthegarden]

Thank you for your thoughts... all the sorts of things i have been thinking here myself you are just confirming them.
The only other factor in this very sad situation is that it is my daughter...and the husband is lovely and is going to feel like he has been hit with a sledge hammer once he's got his mind round it all(i dont think he has yet realised the seriousness of the situation and is doing his best to make things right without really /accepting/seeing how she feels and she knows this and feels so guilty and awful and and....

[Bluebutterfly]

Hmmm, I can tell you a bit about my situation and if it is at all relevant/helpful, feel free to share it with your friend.

I married youngish (23)and I was full of romantic notions, a sort of naivety, a lack of experience of life and without a real sense of who I was and who I wanted to be. Therefore, the first few months were very stressful and did have an impact in a lot of ways. I think also, without wanting to sound like an amateur psychologist, that I really struggled with what being a "wife" was supposed to mean - my parents did not have a very strong relationship - certainly not one that I wanted to replicate - and they were much older than me when they married so I found it quite confusing to know what sort of template my marriage should follow. In all honesty it was friendship that got us through because my libido suffered, my identity as an individual suffered. We just had to talk (and sometimes yell!) it all through - what we wanted marriage to mean/look like. We ultimately decided that being married did not have to mean settling into a boring mundane existance and we had to make real effort to shape our relationship into something that we were happy with - we decided that we each had to feel free to do the things that we always wanted with the support of each other and with a few necessary compromises. And I had to take responsibility for the direction of my life - marriage or no marriage. We both worked hard at our very separate career routes for the first few years and then we each went back and did a Masters degree at University - we tried to do lots of budget travelling because it was something we both loved and we did our best to maintain our outside friendships.

We try to be open about sex - we have our ups and downs, but I am 32 and still married to dh, with a young son. We are a bit more settled (and boring) now (children do that to people) but I am so glad that, even with the compromises that were often necessary, we managed to work through the early marriage problems. DH is my lover, he is the brilliant father of our son, but the most important thing of all is that he is my closest friend and I think that by all standards we have a happy marriage.

Four months is a very short time to work at a relationship (dh and I were together for 5 years before we got married, so we had already dealt with alot of relationship issues before marriage) and marrying young means that you need to start compromising when alot of your peer group seem to have endless freedom (grass is greener syndrome). If your friends are positive that there is not even a remnant of a spark left then maybe it is better to let it end before there is a lot more to lose.

If there is still love and friendship and even a little bit of spark, perhaps they need to look at their individual expectations about being young versus being married and see if there is some conflict there...

I hope they can work it out...

[morningpaper]

Bluebutterfly what a moving and honest post

[notsorosyinthegarden]

Butterfly thankyou for sharing that with me.
many of the things you mention sound v similar to her feelings about herself but I am guessing she cannot see a way through at the moment or look beyond how the here and now is.