How would you know if someone was drinking too much and would you broach it?

[bohemianbint]

Following on from my thread about my mum's recent behaviour with my son, I've started to wonder if there's more to it.

We were round there for lunch yesterday (about 10 of us) and my mum ended up getting absolutely hammered. She did the week before as well. My parents have been quite sociable for years and the booze quite often flows around there.

Thing is, recently things have been different. My mum's dad, and dad's mum died within 8 weeks of each other last year. Before they died we always had a family meal on a Sunday, and sometimes, some people got s bit merry, some weeks we didn't, and it didn't seem a big deal.

However, now, my mum gets, to put it mildly, shitfaced most weeks, even if no one else does, and it's starting to get a bit...well, not embarrassing, but she ends up repeating herself for hours and hours and completely oblivious to everything. She's also not very dicreet when like this and it's caused some trouble in the past. And it now seems all family occasions end in the same way, Christmas, whatever, with my mum getting very very drunk. It's also starting to exclude us a bit, as with 1 toddler and a baby on the way it's not an ideal environment when drinking is the main focus.

I'm wondering if this is an explanation for some fairly reckless and odd behaviour towards my son which has been worrying me of late - perhaps she isn't dealing with her dad's death too well? And I know she had a health scare last year but nothing is ever really said in our family.

On the other hand, maybe I'm just more sober because I'm pregnant and notice more. But I'm not the only one who thinks things are a bit weird lately.

So do I broach it? I was going to talk to my dad and see if that helped. Or do I just stay well out of things and assume things will all be sorted/brushed under the carpet as usual?

[bohemianbint]

bump!

[posieflump]

How much did she drink yesterday?

[bohemianbint]

To be honest, I don't know. I ended up in another room talking to my cousin for an hour or so after which time she'd gone from merry to leathered...

[hereagain]

I'm no expert, but reading this exactly as you've written it, it sounds very much like she has not dealt with her greif from the deaths in the family.

So, she is taking the 'normal' situation of family get-togethers and social drinking to the extreme and getting bladdered at every opportunity.

It does sound like she has a problem, but I think the solution is not to tackle her about the quantity of booze she drinks, but approach her about her feelings over the bereavements she's suffered.

How you do that without upsetting/offending etc, I don't know....perhaps your GP could offer some advise if you mention your concern next time you go for an anti-natel appointment?

[clumsymum]

You do need to quietly talk to your father first I think. Not accusing your mum of deliberately drinking, do the "Is mum alright?" approach. He may be worrying too, but not want to talk to you about it, enough on your plate etc.,.

Also, you say she has had a health scare. It may be that she's on medication, the same amount of booze has a bigger impact . Actually that happens with age too.

Find out from your dad too, is she drinking when they are not socialising?

[bohemianbint]

thanks for the replies. As you say hereagain, it is very difficult to know how to approach it. I just really started wondering yesterday when my mum and dad came out to say goodbye to us and my mum was all over the place talking crap and my dad was really quiet and looked a bit...fed up, or something.

It's really hard to get my dad by himself though.

[bohemianbint]

Am wondering again now if I should just leave it. My point of view swings wildly from one minute to the next at the moment, it's being pregnant. I can't get anything done for 9 months in case it's the wrong decision...

[bohemianbint]

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

[bohemianbint]

?

[BlaDeBla]

I have slightly. It sounds a bit as though your mum has slipped beyond being a social drinker to something more serious. My dad virtually injects people with alcohol so he doesn't feel guilty about it. It's very unpleasant.

On the one hand it's none of your business, but on the other, it can have such an impact on how you feel as a mum, with all this going on.

If your mum's behaviour is new, could you talk to your dad about it? If it is having a really detrimental effect on you, you could mention it to their family doctor? I have spoken to my parents' doctor about what happens in their house, and was frankly shocked that their gp is a bible basher, and an active one !

Could you have a word with your mum when she's sober? She may be very defensive if you ask her directly about her alcohol consumption, but it may be possible to ask her about her dad and her life in relation to him?

I'm really sorry if I'm barging in. It's so sad to see family fall into self-destruction.

[bohemianbint]

Cheers BlaDeBla. It is a very awkward situation and I don't think I'd get anywhere with talking to her about it, she seems generally preoccupied. My dad would be a better bet but it's really hard getting hold of him by himself.

As you say, its difficult with it not being my business, but her recent behaviour with my son has sort of made it my business...

[PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt]

Can you write a letter to your Dad - I presume he opens his own mail? Even if your mum opens it first, then it may be no bad thing! You could word it caringly etc and with the fact that she will probably read it in mind if you think she will....?

[Greyriverside]

I think clumsymum has the right idea. Ask your dad how she is. It would help if you could get him alone when you won't be inturrupted. You see I expect he will say "oh everything's fine" as people do, but given a bit of time he might say "but since you mention it....."

I was married to someone who lost control of their drinking so I know how bad it can get, but it is tricky to handle. As hereagain said you need to tackle it from the other side of what's bothering them rather than "why are you drinking so much" because there is just no way to make that come out sounding right

[bohemianbint]

Thank you so much for the feedback. Am about to try to call my dad and see if it's a good time for a chat, so I'll keep you posted.