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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My life fell apart tonight

41 replies

Smashingpumpkin · 18/12/2004 01:50

Don't even know if ican write this here am so all over the place I juts don't know what to do.Dp has physically and mentally abused me for all of our five year relationship, have never seen myself as the abused woman but put up wih it as couldn't face reality and give up the charade that is my life. Today after a night out with friends dp became very abusive over a programme I was watching on tv. Basically put me down and riducled me in every way possible, don't get me wrong I argued back but it still hurts. Basically I threw a line at him well below the belt, and admit it, can't believe that I sunk to that level, which resulted in torn clothes, a bleeding ear and a massive lump on my head. Well for once i snapped, phoned my parents (he thought I was bluffing) and basicallya dmitted how bad it is, thus causing the end of our relationship. He felt sorry for himself and has left, drunk and in his car. Am hurt beyond belief really don't know if I can face this, please help me

OP posts:

Report

turquey · 18/12/2004 01:59

So sorry to hear this SP - about tonight and everything else you've been through in the past 5 years.
It doesn't matter what you said to him, nothing justifies him abusing you.
Are your parents with you? Is anybody with you?
Have you any children in the house?

Socci · 18/12/2004 02:05

Message withdrawn

Socci · 18/12/2004 02:09

Message withdrawn

turquey · 18/12/2004 02:09

You say you don't know if you can face this, but it sounds like you've faced the worst, and said enough is enough. From here it's up to him to face up to his abuse and do something about it.
Will your parents be supportive?
Slightly at a tangent, that's disturbing to hear that he's driven off drunk. Hopefully a police trap will catch him - doesn't sound like a night in the cells would do him any harm.

turquey · 18/12/2004 02:19

Seriously Sp - you say your life fell apart tonight - it sounds like tonight for the first time you took control back and did something about it. Well done for telling your parents, well done for admitting it here - it's been falling apart for 5 years and now you're not going to take it any more. I know it's scary, but you know that you can't take any more. If it's the end of your relationship, well - is it a relationship worth having? Because if there's something there worth salvaging, you've started the salvage job tonight. If not, then you're better off out of it.

Christmassbee · 18/12/2004 03:57

Message withdrawn

tatt · 18/12/2004 05:12

don't know where my message went....

I'd have phoned the police, tried to get him arrested for drink driving, changed the locks while he was in the cells. If he's been abusing you a while it probably isn't worth trying to save the relationship.

tigermoth · 18/12/2004 06:01

I really hope you are feeling supported and safer, sp, whatever you have decided to do. You were very brave to cross that line at last.

oopsanta · 18/12/2004 09:00

Smashingpumpkin,
You've taken the first step - i'm sure it will be a hard time for you. But this time next year, maybe this time next month, I'm sure you will be pleased that this night did happen.
You deserve better than what you have put up with. Nobody should be treated like this.
You will find the strength to deal with this. There's plenty of support here, and I'm sure there will be plenty of prctical help too.
Keep posting and believe in yourself- you are going to get through this and come out the other side.
Hope today is ok, and the dust settles so you can make some positive plans.

fostermum · 18/12/2004 10:00

i cant personnally comment but seems to me instead of life falling apart that night was the first of the rest of your life,fear free

NotQuiteCockney · 18/12/2004 10:21

There's nothing you can say that can justify someone hitting you. Ever. Don't blame yourself, please.

There's lots of help for you, here and in the real world. How are your parents being?

Caribbeanqueen · 18/12/2004 10:38

Congratulations for taking such a big step and telling your parents. That should signal the end of the abuse and the start of a new life. You are very brave.

How are things this morning?

spacedonkey · 18/12/2004 11:32

{{{ hugs }}} smashingpumpkin

feastofstevenmom · 18/12/2004 11:33

how are things this morning, smashingpumpkin?

pedilia · 18/12/2004 11:39

You poor thing, well done for breaking the cycle, I have been there and I know how difficult it is. Stay strong and STAY SAFE.

Chepstow1 · 18/12/2004 11:48

SP - we are all saying how brave you are, how you have done thhe right thing etc etc, however keep the communication going whatever you decide to do or things pan out in the next few days. I hope that some of the support you have had from this thread may help re assure you that you have made a positive move, however we are also all here whatever your decisions are.

My aunt lived with an abusive man for 35 years. In the early days she came to my Mum for help on a regular basis but always went back. She eventually felt that she could not admit things had gone wrong again, and again and again so she went underground on the whole thing and that was probably the worst thing for her and her family.

Wishing you lots of love, and sending you huge strong vibes over the net!! But we are here whatever happens. Big kisses.

IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday · 18/12/2004 12:32

Message deleted

OhComeLetUsADiorHim · 18/12/2004 18:53

SP - I have no experience of this situation, but I am sending you hugs. Listen to EssBee, she has been there and made it through. Please don't let him near you again. xxx

Hulababy · 18/12/2004 19:08

(((hugs))) SP; thinking of you.

spacedonkey · 19/12/2004 15:53

SP, I hope you are ok, thinking of you X

Gobbledigoose · 19/12/2004 15:59

SP - just caught up with this thread and wanted to send big hugs to you.

Don't try and justify his actions - there is no justification for his violence against you and I hope you have the strength to now follow through with what you started last night.

I've no experience of this and can't imagine how frightening and difficult it is but I hope so much that you can start a new life from today.

xxx

mrschristmaswallace · 19/12/2004 19:45

are you okay?????????????????

mrschristmaswallace · 19/12/2004 19:48

i hope that your with your parents and cant come online, but if you do see this please let us know how you are.be strong hun, yove done the right thing and you will be okay.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

tatt · 20/12/2004 06:51

hope you're Ok. Even if you've decided to stay with him for now there will be support for you here when you're ready to leave.

gothicsanta · 20/12/2004 09:05

Sp I was married to a violent man and in the end it was a very trivial thing that led me to see sense and admit how bad it was. You have doen teh hard bit admitting it to you r parents, be strong and it will work out don't let his feeling s of guilt or yours of responsibility get in teh way of you moving on from this - have courage you have doen teh hard bit now you have a few issues surrounding teh end of teh relationship anf od rebuilding your self esteem to contend with- stay strong

Flip

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