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Think this time really is the last time and we need to separate. Need help.

(320 Posts)
lulupop Fri 10-Dec-04 20:34:37

Oh God, this could be such a long msg but no point going back to the yr dot with it all. DH and I just had a row and he has screamed at me (as usual, no self-control or thought for DS who was awake in his room) and left the house. I am shaking. I feel all fizzy.

We have had a volatile relationship for such a long time. Things go fine as long as I suppress my frustrations with him but if I bring up how I really feel, it all kicks off. He has no boundaries when it comes to losing tempers and will scream the most appalling things at me, usually in front of the children. We have had 2 separate periods of time going to Relate and all we achieved was that he agreed in principle to setting boundaries, taking time out etc when arguing, but it has always been only till the next time.

He's never been physically violent but he is a real bully and is so abusive I feel like nothing. Just now when I said I was sick of having the same argument over and over again and it made me feel there was no point carrying on, he screamed "Fine! Fine! I will go into work and resign and we can get divorced and you and the kids can have half of NOTHING. And I can tell them that you only married me for the money, you stupid fucking WHORE!"

Not sure what he meant about resigning. I am SAHM and only worked for 2 yrs before having DS. I have no idea how we would live if I left DH but I think I've reached the point where anything has got to be better than feeling like this. All the times we;ve had rows like this before, I've always thought "Don't do anything rash, just give things a chance to settle" and then it goes back to normal for a bit. But nothing changes, it all feels so hopeless now. I don't think I even like him - we certainly seem to be inhabiting different planets. I come from a happy home myself and can't bear the idea of my children not living with both their parents, but don't want them witnessing these sorts of scenes.

I feel stuck in Groundhog Day. No amount of counselling is going to change DH, and though I realise I could change as well, I don't think I can change my personality to accomodate the way he is. He can be very, very nasty when he thinks he's been betrayed, and I am afraid of what would happen if I said I actually wanted to separate formally.

I don't even know how to find a solicitor who could tell me what to do first.

I am supposed to be going to my parents' tomorrow for the night, but now I'm wondering if, if I do so, when I come back he'll have locked me out (he has done this before). What should I do?

Should I lock the door tonight so he can't come back in? I cannot face more of his screaming and ranting at me, with the children hearing it. But afraid of making him even angrier.

Festivepussy Fri 10-Dec-04 20:39:46

Hi just been reading the other thread you have disapeered from. poor poor you. Just bumping this up. And I hope your OKx

IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday Fri 10-Dec-04 20:39:52

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sophabaubles Fri 10-Dec-04 20:40:07

oh god poor thing...sounds bloody awful.

fwiw, he doesn't exactly sound like he's happy either does he...what a totally abhorrent thing to say to you.

horrible that the kids are party to some of this...

no advice, just support...i'm sure you'll get loads on this thread too...

jabberwocky Fri 10-Dec-04 20:42:26

Oooo, so sorry lulupop. He sounds a lot like my first dh. Very verbally abusive. I always wondered when or if he would decide to cross the line and get physical - left before that happened. I don't know what to advise about locking the door. Do you feel unsafe having him back in the house? Is there anywhere that you could go for the night with the kids?

OnZephyrstdayofXmas Fri 10-Dec-04 20:44:10

there you are - was worried when you disappeared there! I guess it's time for me to admit that dp is just like this. His temper is shocking and it scares me to death. Don't lock him out, if he has that temper already it will only make it worse and will scare you and the children. I know it's hard but try not to bite if he tries to wind you up when he gets back. God you're situation is so like mine I wish i could come round and help you through it.

pixiefish Fri 10-Dec-04 20:44:44

is that you in disguise w&r?

IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday Fri 10-Dec-04 20:47:13

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OnZephyrstdayofXmas Fri 10-Dec-04 20:47:25

lulu will he cool off while he's out and come back like nothing has happened or does he drag it out?
With mine he goes mad and tells me i've got 5 minutes to get out of the house before he kills me, but then when he's calm it's as if nothing happened. As long as you are ok, let him in and then have a serious think about what you want to do. Is there something else that is getting him down and making him this angry?

mediagirl Fri 10-Dec-04 20:47:45

If you can still go to your parents tomorrow might be worth it if only to have a break and get your head together.....really feel for you it will all work out in the end for you. Good luck x

IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday Fri 10-Dec-04 20:47:54

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winterwarmmummer Fri 10-Dec-04 20:48:15

Oh lulupop I am so sorry. What a sh*t.

Do you drive? If so pack your car full and go to your parents.

Willowmum Fri 10-Dec-04 20:48:17

Could you stay at your parents?

OnZephyrstdayofXmas Fri 10-Dec-04 20:51:59

lulu honey are you still there? are you ok?

lulupop Fri 10-Dec-04 20:52:12

W&R, that's the whole point: there is nothing to nail to the wall! Although DH works in the City, he doesn't eanr enough to cover the lifestyle he has been living (I only recently took control of financial matters) and we have no money. Just a 10k overdraft and credit cards racked up to the limit. His monthly income vanishes on bills and filling up the OD hole before we even see it.

I know when he comes back he'll be all forlorn and depressed. That's when I usually start to feel it's all my fault for being such a bitch and then make all the accomodating, soothin noises he's used to. But I can't do it any more - it's not me, it's just pretending.

He has sent me an email from his Blackberry basically saying "I am sorry that I have failed your aspirations for our finacial security, I am sorry I have failed as a father and and husband, I am sorry that you feel unloved, a drudge, a convenience, a butler and chief cook and bottle washer.". I haven't replied - don't want to get into ridiculous exchange of emails when we can't even talk face to face. But what I said to him earlier wasn't about my "aspirations", it was about the reality of our debts and his ability to cover them. He always adopts this pathetic role of the henpecked victim, slaving away while I crack the whip. But won't consider any compromise at all on our lifestyle. He is Walter Mitty.

God I just can't deal with this.

pixiefish Fri 10-Dec-04 20:52:52

w&r-what i meant was that i hardly recognised you in your new festive name

lulu- i truly hope you get this sorted- my dh used to swear at me- i told him that i would leave him if he did it again cos i didn't want dd to hear things like that. luckily he stopped but i think he realised that i was serious

OnZephyrstdayofXmas Fri 10-Dec-04 20:55:00

ok lulupop - he sounds like he might be depressed. My dp is very depressed about money at the moment and feeling very inferior and worthless - this is the cause of a lot of our fights. I am trying to find out what i can do to help him. The doc has put him in touch with the mental health team but its taking time. Would he try to talk to someone other than relate?

lulupop Fri 10-Dec-04 20:55:13

don't want to have my parents know about this latest as they have been heavily involved with major fall-outs in the past and I don't want my mum throwing in her tuppence worth right now as it winds me up even further. "We told you not to marry him, you got married too young, why did you have kids so fast, etc etc etc."

Just doesn't help at all.

lulupop Fri 10-Dec-04 20:56:47

and yeah, he is depressed, but won't do anything about it! He takes ADs but won't have any counselling. because his unhappiness is all down to me, you see.

I have tried so hard to be understanding about the depression but I can't live with it, making allowances, for ever, while he does nothing to address it and change things.

IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday Fri 10-Dec-04 20:56:48

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lulupop Fri 10-Dec-04 20:59:45

yes w&r, in the past I have always freaked out at this kind of msg from him (which also included the line "There is nothing between us other than afinancial arrangement and the mutual love of our children. You have made that abundantly clear to me. No person with any self-esteem can live knowing that fact"), but it's just melodrama designed to maximise my guilt at having expressed any dissatisfaction.

I am ashamed to admit that I now just think "If you going to do it, for God's sake just do it and stop banging on about how I've ruined your life" How crass is that?

OnZephyrstdayofXmas Fri 10-Dec-04 21:00:26

oh snap lulu. When i got dp to go to the docs he turned around and said 'but we know it's you that brings out my anger' Well I guess that was me told hey??

Have you spoken to him since he went out?

How angry does he get when you fight? Last big fight we had dp punched the windscreen in the car so hard it cracked right across. Thats why I wouldnt lock him out if it happened here.

The way i got dp to talk to the docs was that i pointed out how much his tempers and our fighting was affecting dd - she got very sensitve. That basically hit him where it hurt and made him do something

IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday Fri 10-Dec-04 21:04:44

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lulupop Fri 10-Dec-04 21:07:21

he does things like the windscreen too. he;s never hurt me but I am afraid of him when he's like that.

tonight he kicked the door so hard it broke. woke ds up and I found him lying on the floor in his room, in the dark, whimpering

I haven't spoken to him. Mainly because i don;t particularly want him back in the house and I don't want any more arguing and I have nothing to say. He is either in a massive rage or crying and feeling sorry for himself - either way I can't deal with it. My head feels all hot and fizzy and I wish I could just stop time and do nothing at all.

OnZephyrstdayofXmas Fri 10-Dec-04 21:09:59

is ds with you? this is the biggest problem with all the fighting - what its doing to these poor little ones. Will it make him stop and think if he realises how much it is affecting ds?

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