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Have found out that my dp is married

(271 Posts)
almostthesecondwife Tue 12-Feb-08 16:45:46

Am a regular but have changed my name as I have friends on here that I know in rl.

I have been with my dp for 4 years. We met in a pub and got chatting and exchanged numbers and things sort of progressed from there. He's a salesman so does a lot of travelling so initially it was a long distance relationship. Then after we'd been seeing each other for about 6 months or so he moved in with me. But he still had to travel a lot so was away for 3 or 4 nights a week. It's always been like that.

He proposed to me within a few months of us moving in together but as yet we've never set a date as he's always given some reason, there's not enough money, he's very busy at work so unable to get the time off, it's been frustrating but I've generally accepted this without question.

Then a couple of weeks ago I was looking for a pen and knowing that he would have one in his briefcase I opened it, which is something I never do, and found a mobile phone in there that didn't appear to be his. And I did the inevitable and looked at it and there were texts on there from him to another woman and from her back to him, saying things like 'have really missed you babe, can't wait till you're home tonight' from her, and one from him that said 'I'll be home later', well i'd assumed it was from him. I confronted him about it, and he just said that the phone wasn't his and that it belonged to someone at work who had left it in his car and he'd brought it home.

But the next day after he went to work I rang the number of the other woman and asked if he was there, and she said no but that he would be home later that night, so I asked who she was and she said that she was his wife! shock.

I've confronted him about it and he's told me that the relationship has been over for years, that he's only there for the kids etc. Thing is, if that were true, why did he never tell me that he has 3 children?

I've done a lot more snooping and he's literally been leading a double life. with bank account for me and him, and bank account for him and her, different mobile phones registered to different addresses etc. I never questioned it because we both just put enough money into the joint account to cover bills and kept the rest for ourselves, so I'm guessing he was putting part of his salary into our joint account, an half into the marital account shock.

But we have a 15 month old daughter, and I have recently discovered that I am pregnant again. I don't know whether I can deal with the betrayal, but I don't know what to do.

Does his wife have a right to know? He's begged me not to tell her, but I'm not just the other woman am I? I'm also mother to his children.

nametaken Tue 12-Feb-08 16:51:51

I would tell his wife. Either you agree to carry on living as you have been or your dp is going to have to choose. Which is your wish.

I feel awful on your behalf what a horrible predicament to be in.

Also I'm afraid that if he is legally married to this women then that does indeeed make you "the other woman".

If it were me I'd make him choose. I would rather be alone than share him.

ShinyDysonHereICome Tue 12-Feb-08 16:53:00

Oh my goodness you poor things, and what a dreadful shock!

What are his plans? Is he planning to carry on this deceitful double life, or leave one of you and commit full time to the other?

If you were in her position would you not want to know?

BecauseImWorthIt Tue 12-Feb-08 16:53:55

My goodness - this must have been a dreadful shock.

Before you do anything about the other woman, make sure you have protected yourself. Sort out your finances (if you have any joint money/savings I would take your half out of there), and then go and see CAB for advice about what rights you have/what benefits you might qualify for if you're on your own.

Then you need to decide what you want to do about him - do you want to end it or try and carry on? If the latter, then yes definitely you need to tell the other woman. Make sure you've got her number asap and that he hasn't deleted it from his phone.

And if you do decide you want to carry on then you (obviously) have to have some serious conversations with him. I would also suggest that he sorts his job out so that he isn't travelling and is always at home every night.

collision Tue 12-Feb-08 16:56:15


AM just too shock to say anything constructive atm.

My heart goes out to you.

lottymadbird Tue 12-Feb-08 16:57:08

my god that is absolutely awful for you. if i were you i'd be screaming and shouting my head off.

you need to talk to him and make him choose you and your family or his other family.

the only advise i can give is to consider whether you can be with a man who has so successfully deceived you, deceived you so cruelly, and for so long.

my heart goes out to you.

wheresthehamster Tue 12-Feb-08 16:57:31

I would have to ask him to leave.

He has deceived you all these years and even when you found out he still lied to you. How could you trust him? Even if he chose you he could do the same again with someone else.

almostthesecondwife Tue 12-Feb-08 16:57:59

nametaken I'm not sure I can trust him ever again to be honest. And even if he chose to be with me, how could I ever be sure he wouldn't do the same to me as he's been doing to his wife for the past 4 years?

But I do have a daughter, and one on the way, who have a right to know their father regardless of what happens between us. And his other three children have a sister and one on the way, do they have a right to know about that?

expatinscotland Tue 12-Feb-08 16:58:20

I would tell his wife, most definitely, after I had covered my own arse, BecauseImWorthIt.

Wouldn't you want to know?

I dated a man whose father did this, but he went so far as to marry both my boyfriend's mother, his first and legal wife, and the other gal, in another state. He had 2 kids with Linda, my boyfriend's mother, and 3 with the other gal.

He was convicted of bigamy.

MascaraOHara Tue 12-Feb-08 16:58:24

Oh dear, I would get the wife in a room and tell her the whole story. Preferably before he has some time to spin her a yarn.

Honestly I think you should rule him out of the equation and dicuss at length with the other lady what you both want, you may decide neither of you want him.. Ideally all three of you should be in a room. If you could take yourself to hers and then trick him into going back there and then you both have him in the same room - makes it harder for him to lie.

I know a woman who did this to her cheating husband with very good outcome.

She phoned his bit on the side, told her the whole truth about him, asked her to come round then when he came home they were both just sat there waiting for him..

ingles2 Tue 12-Feb-08 16:58:30

How awful for you, I can't imagine how you must be feeling!
I think you must do whatever feels right to you now, never mind what dp says. Be strong, have you got friends / family in RL who can help support you?

Buda Tue 12-Feb-08 16:58:44

Oh God. How the hell did he think he would get away with it? He was bound to get found out eventually.

I think I would tell his wife. She deserves to know. I would want to know.

Christ - you poor thing - you must be reeling.

I wouldn't say you were just the other woman as you didn't know he was married.

expatinscotland Tue 12-Feb-08 16:59:38

No, under no circumstance would I take him back.

That's the mother of all lies.

NO WAY can you trust someone like that!

almostthesecondwife Tue 12-Feb-08 17:00:32

BecauseImWorthIt we live in my house which I bought before we got together. He just moved in with me, it seemed the best way really, which is probably best considering everything that's gone on.

ShinyDysonHereICome Tue 12-Feb-08 17:00:39

Mascara I agree with you.

Where does his wife live? Is it far from you?

I agree with what someone else said- you need to make sure you have some RL support with this, is there a close friend you can confide in?

RIELOVESBACARDI Tue 12-Feb-08 17:00:52

omg can you ever trust him again

NorthernLurker Tue 12-Feb-08 17:01:18

oh no - that is just awful - I don't know where to begin with this and I imagine you don't either. FWIW I wouldn't tell his wife - that's one big mess you don't need to have any part of. He needs to choose and which ever way he chooses he's going to have to do a lot of work and spend a lot of time restablishing things.

Shaniece Tue 12-Feb-08 17:01:42

You need to tell his wife because she and her kids have a right to know. Don't take him back. What;s to say he within a year or two he won't have another woman - he may have 3 or 4 on the go shock.

MascaraOHara Tue 12-Feb-08 17:01:57

I don't think either of you should be considered the other woman.. he is a biggimist.. you are common-law man and wife.. by law I think that would be atken into consideration.. althought I might be talking rubbish

DeeRiguer Tue 12-Feb-08 17:03:10

yes i agree would sort out any financial stuff and arrange a homecoming as described by mascara
i dont think i'd want him tbh after this, how could you trust again?...
but he deserves a showdown

so sorry for you this must be horror..shock

ShinyDysonHereICome Tue 12-Feb-08 17:04:03

There are children here who have brothers and sisters they know nothing about whilst thats not a difficult situation now in 10 or 20 years they will want to be in relationship with one another.

I would tell his wife at my earliest opportunity and invite her round.

wheresthehamster Tue 12-Feb-08 17:05:07

HE shouldn't be allowed to choose - he's had plenty of time to do that. It's the OP who should choose whether she wants anything more to do with him or not.

peanutbear Tue 12-Feb-08 17:06:11

To get away with it for 4 years makes him a very clever accomplished liar or a very desperate man

I dont have any advice in your situation I dont know what I would do regards a relationship with him but I would tell his wife I think I understand she will be hurt but this is not your fault its his

Catz Tue 12-Feb-08 17:06:36

I'd also talk to the wife and would not take him back but BecauseI'mworht it is right, you must protect yourself before you do this. There's a high chance that she'll want to divorce him for this (I certainly would) and, if so, he's probably going to have to give a lot of his assets/income to that family. You need to make sure that you're in the strongest possible financial situation yourself because he might not be willing or able to give you that support.

almostthesecondwife Tue 12-Feb-08 17:07:40

ShinyDyson his wife lives up north, we live down south, which is why it was so easy for him to keep up the double life. He would leave my house in the morning, say he was going to Manchester for a few days as his company have an office there, and would then go home to his wife at night, then I'm guessing he told his wife that he was working in the other office down south for a few days and would then come home to me.

If I'd known he was married I would never have gone near him.

It reads like something off the Jerry Springer show doesn't it? I've always laughed at the kinds of people that went on these shows, oh how sad that they carried on like that and now I am like one of them.

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