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Divorce/Separation: what FINALLY made you decide to do it?

(22 Posts)
DaphneHarvey Sun 27-Jan-08 22:47:37

Assume there was much soul-searching and maybe many years of unhappiness beforehand. But was there one final straw that broke the camel's back that made you decide there was no way back, or not?

I know its nosey, but very pertinent to me right now so all answers gratefully received ...

jasper Sun 27-Jan-08 22:53:38

Ex dh and I had been unhappy for years.
I test drove a new car (I'd been saving for a long time and was now in a position to buy) and drove it into our driveway and deliberately braked hard on the gravel so it would skid a little - in an excited stylie while beaming at ex dh.

He looked at me, scowled, and said " arse" and walked off.

I knew at that moment I would leave him..

That was 12 years ago and we have remained friends and will always love each other.But not in the way as to make a happy marriage.
Our temperaments are just too different.

fluxy3 Sun 27-Jan-08 22:56:32

Hi, I've been wondering the same .....H is not abusive/violent/tight with money/cheating etc..etc.. but desperately unhappy in the marriage and tired of feeling this way.....

jasper Sun 27-Jan-08 23:11:40

fluxy can you put your finger on why you are unhappy? Are you bored? Has the feeling gone?

fluxy3 Mon 28-Jan-08 07:41:09

You know there are so many things... but in a nutshell I suppose just don't have those feelings for him any longer... too much unresolved stuff and bickering over the years has worn me down. I've always knew that he was not really the one for me, but we have kids so I have tried to make it work and brush how I felt under the carpet.... I actually don't really like him any more and I hate the way he laughs and sneezes... silly, I know, but when either happen I cringe inside!

queenrollo Mon 28-Jan-08 10:50:55

i just fell totally out of love with my ex....after 14 years together. It meant that we just couldn't make each other happy, no matter what we tried, and eventually it got to the point where having sex with him was unbearable because i just didn't feel that way about him.

He has his faults (as do i) but generally is a good man, and an excellent father. I just became desperately unhappy and it started to affect every aspect of my life. Making the decision to end it was hard, took months of soul searching and the consequences (ie no longer being a full time mother as we have shared custody) are taking some time to come to terms with.

We both now have new partners, are both very happy and getting on well as friends. Talking after the split it became apparent that we fought hard to save a relationship that was never going to work, but neither of regret putting that effort in.

I can't say there was one thing that made me finally end it.........it was a combination of things, and issues that simply couldn't be resolved.

huggymummy Mon 28-Jan-08 23:09:15

Fluxy

OMG so glad I'm not the only feeling like that.

So with you and very confused. Waste so much energy on NOT making a move to seperate.

singledadofthree Mon 28-Jan-08 23:11:51

wanted to save what was left of my sanity

expatinscotland Mon 28-Jan-08 23:13:52

Well, I'm divorced, although we had no children together.

That's why we divorced!

No, basically, we'd started arguing about having kids and he never, ever wanted them.

Fair enough.

But I was unhappy and started thinking about being with someone else.

So one day I point blank told him that.

And I asked him, 'Do you want children, ever?'

His answer was no.

So we decided then in there to separate.

We did try counselling.

But two years after we separated we divorced officially.

thelittleElf Mon 28-Jan-08 23:16:03

No one should have to stay in any relationship where they are miserable. But one thing i have learnt over the last few years, is just to hold your children close! Don't use them as bartering tools, don't involve them in ANY details of the marriage or breakup - keep it simple, and just be their parents.

I've been unfortunate to see the damage that can be caused by this first hand, and i wouldn't wish it on anyone sad

MuthaHubbard Tue 29-Jan-08 00:18:31

When I found out via an answerphone message that he was going to SA for two weeks over new year and not telling me.

That put the final nail in the coffin that held our communication.

When he came back I told him I wanted a divorce.

But other than that, same as queenrollo really in that fell out of love over a longer period of time. No violence/abuse etc, but no love/sex/communication either.

fluxy3 Tue 29-Jan-08 00:18:33

I constantly think about being with someone else... will I ever be happy, is this it, am I destined to spend the rest of my life feeling so unhappy and dissatisfied? I"m 42 and have told him that I do not want to be feeling like this when I am 50. I can remember being unhappy with him in my 30's ( we have been together 16 years now, met him when I was 26) I never split from him as I thought things would change/ get better. We've only been married 4 years and it has been crap.
I should have stuck to my guns when I found out I was pregnant and not moved in with him..... I feel as though I've just gone along with it all in the hope that one day it will all be alright. It never has been and I still feel empty and that I have let myself down by not leaving and listening to that little voice inside me. You know he's not a bad man, works hard, provides for us all and he's a loving dad to our 3 kids, he's just not the one for me and never really was.

fluxy3 Tue 29-Jan-08 00:22:49

I'm also with Queenrollo and you too Mutha... no communication or very little of any real worth, shallow love, no intimacy and I can't bear to have sex with him any longer.

MuthaHubbard Tue 29-Jan-08 00:23:01

Fluxy3, I feel similar to how you felt in your 30s. I just know I can't carry on being so desparately unhappy and lonely for the next 20/30/40 years.

H is a fab dad and generally a good man, but sadly our relationship came to a natural end sometime ago but neither of us wanted to admit it (then, we do now)

Decided you only have one life to live and at nearly 35 aint getting any younger.

The thought of being on my own for the next 20/30/40 years is not nearly as scary!!

ajaks99 Tue 29-Jan-08 00:35:40

Hmm, I am in pretty much the same position, if you read my thread on this board, unhappy marriage what should I do? you will better understand. My DH is also a 'good provider', works hard and is supporting me through Uni, however, all of the other issues have just worn me down over the years and continue to do so. After an indcident/argument/discovery I feel that a little more has been chipped away from the feelings I had towards him. In the beginning I was crazy for him , I hung on his every word, now I think he spouts crap! We have vastly differing values too which I have only acknowledged over the recent years. I am contemplating leaving him in the near future, but its a scarey thought. Then i think that if I dont, I will just plod on being unhappy and getting old - I am 37 now. My main concern is my DCs, I will keep them safe no matter what it takes, but it makes me sad to think that my actions will make their precious lives unhappy and difficult.

huggymummy Tue 29-Jan-08 11:36:19

I met my husband at 25 and I'm 40 soon.

The physical side is over and I constantly think about being alone or with someone else to the point that I contemplate having an affair.

Yes, when you meet someone you idiolise them and when it dies you see it all in a different light and feel foolish.
My dh is a good man to our ds but the only reason I'm still with him is I'm scared it will tip him overboard and he'll snatch ds and go back to his country.

It's fear that keeps me here. He feel the same about me too, I think.

I don't respect his values, I find him boring, his habits, although normal, I anticipate and they get my back up. i cringe.

He lives and breathes for his mother.

I should do something. it would be nice to have the guts.

queenrollo Tue 29-Jan-08 11:51:46

the one thing that i found really hard, and that made me think my decision through thoroughly was the effect it would have on my son, but i realised (and ex agreed) that eventually our relationship would have deteriorated and that would have affected ds much more.

BrownSuga Tue 29-Jan-08 11:54:57

I filed for divorce when, after being separated for 2 years with absolutely NO contact, he wanted to talk about getting back together. I wasn't going to rejoin that crazy train grin

littlewoman Tue 29-Jan-08 13:28:39

Another affair. He'd had lots before, which he would never admit to - he said I was paranoid, etc. In the end, he couldn't work because every time he did he started up with some other woman. The last affair was just too much. There was only so much he could make me hate myself before I decided the problem was him. It was the most awful period of my life.

MillieMummy Tue 29-Jan-08 13:36:18

Many of the things that people have said here ring true for me - my DH is a wonderful man, but the lack of friendship/passion we have for each other gets to me, we have a brilliant 'working relationship'. I'm also worried because I'm sure that DH feels the same way too, and I'm sure that the kids will start to pick up on the atmosphere.

Was talking to a friend at the w/e who was talking about a couple she knows who are splitting after 14 years together. Her take was 'haven't they done well for lasting 14 years'. It made me think about things differently - have I/we failed if we don't last forever - it is possible to admit defeat and 'move-on' without feeling a failure?

MuthaHubbard Tue 29-Jan-08 15:52:27

I personally don't think all relationships are meant to be 'forever' or as a failure if things don't work. As long as you know that you've worked and tried your best. As with friendships, relationships can come to a natural end.

JessicaLuis232 Sat 03-Sep-16 07:41:42

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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