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Reported H to Social what?

(671 Posts)
sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 16:24:12

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

notalone Sun 20-Jan-08 18:43:48

Sleepingwiththeenemy - I have only skimmed this as it brings back traumatic memories for me but just want to take my hat off to you. You are amazing and are doing completely the right thing for your DD and any other kids your exh comes into contact with. My own father used to show me porn from a very young age along with a whole host of other inappropriate behaviour, yet my mother didn't do a thing to protect me as she wanted to keep the lifestyle he could offer her. I am now 30 and suffer extreme anxiety because of my upbringing. I don't think I will ever have the guts to report him (I know he is no danger to other kids as he is now seriously ill and disabled) but I am suffering so much as a result of what I had to go through.

Am crying now and have never cried about this ever. I just wanted to give you perspective from the childs point of view. Never doubt yourself ok

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 20:56:57

Notalone...thankyou so much for that message and I'm sorry it has stirred up such painful memories. I know so well the effects of sexual abuse in childhood... I am a therapist by trade and specialise in adults who are suffering from the aftermath of childhood abuse. I will not allow my child to go through it. At the moment, and probably due to her young age, she is a very happy, well balanced child and I intend to do everything in my power to make sure she stays that way.
I actually left him because of the abuse he heaped on my older 2 children - not sexual but very very emotionally cruel. And now's unbelieveable.

Peachy Sun 20-Jan-08 21:20:27

'Unfortunately it doesn't prevent him from entering into a relationship with another woman and fathering more children,'

Sorry if this ahs been mentioned (hopping between this and ds1 being a nightmare tonight, used to work isn a job allied to SS and when a man on the register 9as we can but hope he will one day be) moves into a home where there is a child, he gets a number of days to tell the woman his history and they check- if not SS visit and tell.

So there is some protecytion for new famillies that comes into play there.

Obv. some women are stupid and refuse to mistrust 'their man' 9sorry but it happens), SS can then keep an involvement at least.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 21:21:05

Isn't it a good job we can choose friends, even if we can't choose family and I SO would not have chosen mine! I sent my mother a text tonight to tell her if H contacts her at all she is not to tell him where we are, not even the area of the country we are in, that it had all got lots worse and becauseof what DD hadtold meI have had to report him. She replied 'I don't answer the phone anyway if I don't know the number. I hope he doesn't send the police round here again (worried about neighbours), and you never bothered to tell me if the kids received the sweets I sent them'. I was gobsmacked at her lack of concern, so sent one back spelling out to her that he had interfered with her in the bath.She snt one back and repeated again'he better not send the police to my door...I mean it and you still haven't said whether they got the sweets'. I replied that I was astounded at the lack of concern over what her grand daughter had gone through, and have heard nothing since.
Makes me so mad. I knew she'd react like this; if something isn't about her then she won't recognise it. I know if I called and discussed it with her she would blamemefor reporting it...she would say I had brought all the hassle on myself for not letting sleeping dogs lie, or saying she was sure DD had 'got it wrong'.
When I was about 7 2 men approached me outside the shop where I was waiting for my mum, with my sister. They tried to take me away, and my sister ran inside to get my mum. She came out and slapped me around the face for encouraging the men hmm. Not going to get much support there am I?

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 21:23:25

Peachy...I never knew that. That's really interesting - but like you said some women would believe them when they say 'oh it was my ex wife just framing me, of course I didn't harm my daughter'...

Peachy Sun 20-Jan-08 21:27:51

SS then regard that child as at risk though- which after all is a good starting point compared to anonymity!

Is there any chance your mother is in shock? or denial?

I was raped at 17 and my mum knew and to thsi day ahsn't mentioned it, not quite sure why. It was just too much to deal with I guess (She had severe depression for many years). I don't bear her ill will for it BUT I do keep a tight control on what I involve her in; she just doesn't deal with other peoples stuff well (the day we were told ds3 was fairly severely dsiabled she popped off the phone to answer the door with me in ters and forgot to call back). Some poeple don't mean any malice, but they find it impossible to compute anything that is so complex and understand other peoples emotions or perspectives.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 21:32:57 she's not in shock. She's always been like this but it's taken me a long time to realise it. Still, at the age of 39, I get horribly disappointed at her lack of support. She's just completely self absorbed.
As for the 'at risk' thing mentioned above - I have no idea where H is living, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if he has shacked up with another woman with kids. If he has, the poor woman is going to be in for a hell of a shock if/when the police arrive to speak to him! I wish there had been something in place to warn me of his mental history when I met him; it would have saved me years of heartbreak.

Peachy Sun 20-Jan-08 21:40:21

i guess that's where the problem lies, there's no way you can tell someone unless their partner is on the register. I kinda understand that- my DH also ahs a mental health history and still gets ill, but is no way like yours thank God, so it owuld be unfair for a lack of confidentiality to be in palce- but it doesn't make it any easier for you.

Have you any idea what will happen next? Lst contact with a kid who had reported was many years ago for me (in a non-professional capacity- I was a friend she disclosed to), but SS took her to a special NSPCC childrens centre which was lovely and she could tell her story being observed through mirrors etc so she felt more safe- she was older though.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 22:12:34

Peachy...his mental history is a dangerous one. Death threats, suicide attempts, black black moods, hell bent on revenge...I have every sympathy for anyone battling mental illness - it could happen to anyone and I work with depressives, self harmers etc, butthis is something else entirely.
I have no idea what will happen next, no. Maybe tomorrow will bring some news.

mumof2fabkids Mon 21-Jan-08 00:19:27

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you all. You are brave and strong and a hell of a mother, an inspiration to those going through this at the moment.

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 21-Jan-08 08:05:12

mumof2fabkids...thanks. It doesn't feel like I'm strong TBH...I'm crumbling inside. I have this constant feeling of panic and sickness even when I'm trying not to think about it. I just know the s**t is going to hit the fan in a massive way once the police contact him. If I had my way, as was my intention before DD revealed all of this, we would have just disappeared. We've moved over 200 miles away from home, and with a name change etc we could have got away with it. But that all changed with the disclosures made. Even before he contacted a solicitor for access, I had been advised that if I raised the allegations in response to an application for contact, my motives would be questioned - thank God I have it all in writing, dated, to and from the nspcc and the solicitor before his solicitor wrote to mine. She toldme on xmas eve, I first logged concerns to NSPCC (via e mail) on 28th December, and the solicitor on 4th Jan. His solicitor wrote to mine on 8th January so no one can say it was a 'retaliation' IYSWIM?
They may question why I didn't report it immediately - well it was xmas eve, I was shocked and did not want to tarnish xmas for everyone ex had given us miserable xmas's for the past 6 years so this was to be our first happy, carefree one hmm
I feel so sick today, as it may all start to snowball from here-on-in.

Piffle Mon 21-Jan-08 08:20:14

at least you know you have done the right thing and sought to protect yourself and your dd from future/potential abuse.

Please do not worry about unsupervised access being granted, it is very unlikely given the allegations.

Try not to cross any bridges before you come to them.
Wishign you lots of luck and a happier future now.

colditz Mon 21-Jan-08 08:24:59

Well done you brave brave woman.

Mothers like you should sit on the thrones of heaven, I really do believe.

Grrlscout Mon 21-Jan-08 10:23:38

I'm so, so sorry to read this. I was abused by my neighbour from 7-9 yrs of age. I don't remember every bit of it, mercifully, but yes, it has affected me. There are moments even as a grown woman that I find myself wondering who knew and when and why they didn't do anything. The fact that you did something when you found out both times (older & younger child) says a lot about you as a mum. * hugs * Has your older daughter said anything about abuse?

I can understand what you're saying about not wanting him to be around your children, but if he has properly supervised visits with them, he can't molest them. Properly supervised meaning supervision by an impartial third party you trust. You might see him as a sick waste of space, but your kids may not see him like that - particularly as they get older.

Get a new lawyer. Aside from the abuse, I can't imagine the court seriously entertaining the idea of shared custody or unsupervised visitation with a man who has the turbulent mental history you describe. Has your lawyer raised this before the court? He might be medicated and in therapy, but surely part of him rebuilding his life would be to accept that he needs to own up to his separation?

Grrlscout Mon 21-Jan-08 10:26:03

Sorry, was feeling so * arrrgh * that I didn't realise the last sentence of my post didn't make sense. He has to own up to the things he's done in his life, including the reasons for his split with you and with his kids.

Hope that makes more sense. Am off to get coffee now! blush

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 21-Jan-08 11:23:57

Unfortunately he's not on medication; he refuses to take the AD's prescribed by the gp. He also refuses to go into therapy.
Your post makes sense when applied to the majority of people; unfortunately not to him. He will never ever accept his own faults...he has never said sorry for anything, big or small...he sees himself as above the law, considers all people as stupid and himself as superior.
To be honest, even supervised contact would make me sick to the stomach. As far as I'm concerned, he gave up his rights to DD when he did what he did to her. She says he touched her and she asked him to stop...he wouldn't. She says he 'played' with his penis in front of her, and it changed into 'a long willy and then a small one again'...he told her not to tell Mummy...
My older children are not his and mercifully will never have to have anything to do with him again. At the age of 7 he made my daughter scrub floors and toilets *with bleach* as a punishment for something. He would lock her in her room for 24 hours with not a toy or book in sight. he called my son, aged 5, such horrific homophobic names that it still affects him now, and he is vert sensitive and easily affected by any unkindness, perceived or real.
I'm going from being numb about it all to being really really angry...which is a good thing I think! I have the name of a specialist solicitor who works with the women's refuge here in domestic abuse and child protection, so will let you all know how that goes.

Grrlscout Mon 21-Jan-08 12:48:43

If he isn't trying to help himself and you have proof (not taking prescribed meds), he's making your case for you re: custody & unsupervised visits.

Not sure if it would actually make a difference either way, but I'd be careful in how you discuss this custody/visitation court fight with whomever is investigating the abuse. I wouldn't lie about it, but I wouldn't want to perhaps give police or social workers a reason to maybe think that was the source of your complaint. It isn't, clearly, but you see what I mean. Guaranteed it will be the first thing he mentions when questioned about the abuse - as his ex out to get him. People can be weird about abuse. It's easier to pretend it didn't happen than to admit that it did and that an adult needs to be stopped.

Either way, I'm very proud of you for listening to your daughter and standing by her. She took a big risk in telling you, and it's a real testiment to you as a mum that she trusted you enough.

I just reread the bit about what he did in your last post and it's enough to make me cry. I can't imagine what its doing to you. Big, big hugs to you and your little one!

sleepingwiththeenemy Mon 21-Jan-08 14:42:40

There is no court fight at the moment...all he did was see a solicitor to see if I;d agree to him having DD every Saturday. he's threatening court action, but to be honest I'm not sure if he would anyway, as he always said he'd never line another solicitors pockets (his words). he is the sort of man who will back down and run when faced with any kind of confrontation (either that or he'll carry out another suicide attempt).

SheikYerbouti Mon 21-Jan-08 17:54:40

G;lad to see that you have found a different solicitor

Youe ex should nbot be allowed to get away with what he has done

You are so brave, SWTE

mamasara82 Mon 21-Jan-08 18:47:58

God I am so sorry this is happening to you, your baby girl & your 2 other childern.

Just want to say your daughter may have memories of this when she gets older but as long as your there she will get through it.

I was raped a few times by my brother when I was 5 (he was 12 or 13). I didn't remember anything until I was in a cafe with a friend at aged 16. I thought I was sick and I was making it up in my mind but then a year or so later found out it was true.

I then went off the rails a bit and started going out the this bloke. We moved in together after on 4mths of seeing each other. Within a month he was physically, mentally and sexually abusing me. he even got me turned againist my whole family. It took me 2yrs to get away from him. I also had the same threats as you but I moved countries.

I am now happily married with a daughter aged 20mths.

The reason I have said all this is to let you know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am now a well adjusted person and very happy so even if your daughter does rememeber anything she can come out the other end and be happy.

mamasara82 Mon 21-Jan-08 18:49:37

Just want to add - I don't think I would be the well adjusted happy person I am without my husband.

Kezza7779 Tue 22-Jan-08 18:31:03

I havent read the whole thread as i havent got time, but i am a Social Worker for social Services.

Did you report H to the Police or Social services?

You should have and still can go straight to the police. (its quicker)!!
You will be given an incident number (take note of it) they should then almost immediately come out and talk to you and your daughter and as doublebluff said more than likely video record her interview.

The police will automatically inform social services access team where a social worker would normally be allocated to a case. You need to get the ball rolling, number one DD may forget what happened or details may become cloudy, and two beacuse he has already started on a contact case. It is very unlikely that H would have unsupervised contact at this stage, any SW would regard it as far too risky. Supervised (by a SW) contact is much more likely and you dont have to be near or present if u do not wish. Can u confirm exactly what stage you are at?xx

Kezza7779 Tue 22-Jan-08 18:52:35

I just read more and see you mentioned the worry that he may have any contact at all. At 3 DD quite rightly has no idea that what has happened to her is wrong, i have worked with children much older and into their teens who do remember horrific abuse but still choose to have contact with the abuser. its unlikely DD will even remember so there will be Q's - wheres Daddy, why cant i see him, doesnt he love me anymore? Supervised contact properly organised by a SW or independent organisation would be a better way forward for her. (She may feel abandoned / unloved as se doesnt understand)

If you object to any contact it may look to the courts / solicitors your merely being bitter and dont want him around rather than actually fearing for her safety (i know that sounds awful givn the situ) just wanted to make u aware of the bigger picture x x x x x

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 22-Jan-08 21:33:11

Hi, and thanks for the info, very helpful. I informed social services, who in turn informed the local police, who in turn informed the police where the alleged incidents took place. I am now just waiting to hear. Can you tell me what would happen re: supervised contact given that we are now over 200 miles away? Would he have to come here or would we have to go down there? It's just that I don't want him knowing where we are as I know he will come after me for this. I have a feeling that he will refuse supervised contact anyway. What happens in that case?
mamasara, thankyou so much. I am sorry you went through that, and I am always amazed when other women post their painful stories in order to help others. I am so pleased that you are happy now, and with a husband who supports you and makes you 'whole'. Wonderful smile

Kezza7779 Tue 22-Jan-08 22:15:26

You would probably go to him (if u can) or meet in a mutual county / town. If he refuses supervised contact after a judge or SW have recommended this It is likely he will go without contact - there isnt usually a choice!!

Can u chase up the police as its unusual to leave something so serious so long!

I work in a hildrens home and one of the children made an allocation that a local shop keeper tried to touch her breast, i called the police immediately and they were interviewing but the girl and myself within half an hour. within an hour the guy had been arrested. He was released on conditional bail (ie no contact with the girl and not to go near her home) He subsequently came round to the unit armed with bats etc looking for her - he was remanded.

This is why you have to get the police onto this quickly, if your ex does come looking for you there is no eveidence of statements from you or your DD of whats already gone on, im aware you have reported it etc but you need to push. Dont let the Bastard win, fight - you are in the right and he is an unstable guy who is capable of allsorts.

Have you had incidents in the past involving him and the police / violence etc. if so try and reall when they were and inform the police when you make your statement so they can compile a history. All of this will later be presented to CPS who access wether there is a case here. it all matters. Violence tou you, your kids, the public.

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