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Reported H to Social what?

(671 Posts)
sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 16:24:12

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

Andro Fri 22-Mar-13 12:53:51

sleepingwiththeenemy - you keep saying you're not strong because you 'break down' etc, that's bull! Strength doesn't mean you're not affected by what's happening, nor does it mean that doing what is necessary is easy. Strength means you fight like hell to keep/re-build you're life in spite of how hard/relentless/distressing it is (and how many times you have to do it).

You are strong, you are brave and you most certainly are an amazing example to your children. You have done everything you can to protect them, you have more than earned the right to the tears. Think of them as releasing a pressure valve, they don't make you weak...they are a release mechanism that allows you to carry on.

StitchAteMySleep Fri 22-Mar-13 15:43:52

Glad you had a better night's sleep.

The dream sounds positive and is possibly a reflection of you feeling more in control knowing the extra security will be in place soon and builders will be in your house on Monday.

sleepingwiththeenemy Fri 22-Mar-13 16:19:01

Andro thankyou. I don't know what else to say. x

Stitch maybe you're right; actually I remember that in the dream I was on a 'troop coach' going off to my barracks and I stopped the coach and got off and went back home again. Perhaps that's my mind making a decision to stop running and stand and fight!

I've wasted the whole day today. I woke up in a lot of pain (long standing back problem) so took 2 prescription pain killers. They knocked me out and I didn't wake til DD1 came home from college at 12.30. I was then groggy all afternoon.

StitchAteMySleep Fri 22-Mar-13 18:10:35

Sleeping standing and fighting sounds good. Doyou have a no contact order in place re: dd2?

Jux Sat 23-Mar-13 11:56:16

Everything Andro said! And to add that if you didn't break down sometimes you'd be a robot, not a human being. What a wonderful example to your children you are.

Please try to believe that you are an amazingly strong woman, and fantastic mum, an extraordinary person. Hold your head up high and know how fantastic you are. Be proud of yourself, you should be!

buildingmycorestrength Tue 26-Mar-13 19:08:26

I'm also wondering if you can report the head in some way. He is a menace, in his own way. I can say hand on heart that the head of our local primary would NEVER have said anything like that because he has his head screwed on right.

So glad the safety measures have been approved.

It may be possible to have counselling through Women's Aid? They would at least be able to recommend a good therapist. You sound remarkably balanced and focused on the action you need to take, but it may be helpful anyway.

foreverondiet Tue 26-Mar-13 20:24:24

Need to speak to solicitor to get anti molestation order... Then call police if he comes round...

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 27-Mar-13 10:03:05

Hello ladies, and sorry I haven't updated for a couple of days.
I don't have any orders in place; he dropped his application for contact when he was being investigated for the abuse, so it wasn't an issue until now. And it's really hard to get an anti molestation order when he hasn't 'done' anything iyswim? or at least that's what my old solicitor told me.

Building the head is leaving today - he was just an interim head as the permanent one resigned and the new one doesn't start til after Easter so he came out of retirement to fill in. I may have to get a meeting with the new one in the new term to lay all my cards on the table at the outset.

Ok, house is now a cross between fort knox and a prison. Whilst it makes me feel safer it is also a constant reminder of what's going on. They reinforced all the doors (I have front, side and back), put heavy duty locks on the front, strengthened the door frames, put bars across the doors so even if he smashed the glass the bars would stop him getting in, and it stops him kicking the wood panels through. A motion activated light at the side and back entrances, anti climb paint on the walls and extension, door alarms and shock alarms on all the windows (I sneezed last night and set them off!) They are now waiting for confirmation that I can have the safe room.

My next door neighbour is adding to my stress levels though. I told you he has bi polar and adhd I think? And he was out taking photos the other night? Well Monday night BF stayed over, and about 1am we both woke to hear all this banging, outside (we share the garden) and inside. My heart was thumping because...well you know. ANyway, next thing he started screaming at his dog...remember this is 1am. He was hysterical, chasing the dog around the house, screaming that he was going to kill it, then they both came outside into the garden and the dog was cowering and he picked her up and threw her across the garden all the time yelling and screaming at her. he went back in, and we could see/hear him stuffing her in the bath and all the water sploshing around as she struggled to get out. Now, he told me he has no gas, so no hot water or heating (he hasn't paid his rent so can't ask the agents to fix it), so this dog was washed in freezing cold water and then left to dry in a freezing house. He was then hitting the dog. (We could see all this as the bathrooms are on the ground floor in these houses and we were upstairs). BF opened the window and shouted at him, and it all stopped abruptly.
Last night I was cooking in the kitchen and I looked up and he was standing at the window. Bloody idiot, that's so not what I need right now! I jumped, swore, and went to the back door. He apologised for the previous night and said, and I quote, 'I wanted to thank your other half for shouting at me last night. I didn't even know I had lost the plot. I was out of control'. And the ran back to his house.
Surely to God, if he has these rages and doesn't recognise that he loses the plot like that he shouldn't be living alone? He was like a man possessed. So my stress levels have risen even further.

On Monday afternoon I was sitting at the laptop while the men were working on the house, and I got a pain in my chest. It got steadily worse, and spread up into my throat and neck and jaw, then through into my back between my shoulder blades. I went light headed and really thought the workmen would come back into the room and find me collapsed on the floor. It passed after about 20 minutes, but all day yesterday I was having pins and needles in my left hand, and then it was going cold in my fingers. I was convinced I was having a heart attack. Maybe it was a panic attack? Or anxiety? It scared the crap out of me.

Very weirdly I got a google alert for HIS name, saying there was a facebook page in his name. I've had these alerts on since we broke up, and now and again something comes up but is usually someone else with the same name but I had a look anyway and sure enough there was a page with his name and photo...he is normally very cagey and wouldn't have it set to public. I don't have facebook anymore, so I text my best friend and asked her to have a look for me, to see if there was anything of interest i.e him living with stepkids (worried he'll do the same to other kids). She phoned me back to say there was nothing on there realy, apart from a link to something...she clicked on it and it came up with the newspaper article about him being on trial for rape!!! I mean, wtf??? What is he playing at?

I feel like I'm losing my marbles!

SolidGoldBrass Wed 27-Mar-13 10:44:26

Can you have a quiet word with SS/local police/GP about your neighbour? It does sound as though he needs some professional help, or more help than he is getting. WHile it's obviously sheer bad luck that someone in your situation has a neighbour with MH problems in addition to everything else, no one should be expected just to put up with a neighbour who behaves strangely and causes disturbancees.

SugariceisaGoodEgg Wed 27-Mar-13 11:02:04

Glad that the house has been made secure, just a shame about the unstable neighbour, his poor poor dog!sad.

Do you think it might be worth a visit to the GP with those symtoms and have a check over? the radiating pain sounds a little worrying.

claudedebussy Wed 27-Mar-13 11:28:19

as if you haven't got enough to deal with. the poor poor dog. breaks my heart.

sleeping, the new head has got to be better, and i second getting him up to speed.

i would also tell the police next time they're round about the neighbour. this is all just too stressful.

take care.

myroomisatip Wed 27-Mar-13 11:36:25

Hi. I am shocked at what you are having to go through. I have not posted before because you are getting so much support but I just wanted to second the advice about getting a check up with your GP. It is possible that your blood pressure is high because of the stress and that can be dangerous. I really do not want to worry you any further and I am probably wrong but please go and make sure.

fromparistoberlin Wed 27-Mar-13 11:44:53


god he is being tried for rape. this plus the child abuse means he will hoopefully be sent to prison for quite some time, I bloody hope so

FannyFifer Wed 27-Mar-13 12:16:20

Sounds like someone else has set the Facebook page up in his name with the link to the rape. Maybe to warn people, let them know.

The same happened when someone who was at my school got jailed for beating up old people she was meant to care for.

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 27-Mar-13 13:50:04

Just got back from town, thanks for the replies.

I have reported next door to the RSPCA, as much as I don't want the fallout I couldn't just listen to her being beaten and abused constantly. I have a dog myself so couldn't just sit back and do nothing. No doubt I will cop it when he finds out he's been reported but what could I do? The thing is, when he's being calm he's lovely, but his rage seems to be getting worse.

Fromparis he went on trial for rape but the case collapsed. That was in 2009. A lot of people hate him so it could be anyone setting it up in his name...wish I knew who it was, I'd shake them by the hand!

I am going to have to see the GP I think. Although I feel ok today I am exhausted despite having slept really well last night. I was sure I was having a heart attack. My blood pressure has never been high, ever, even through pregnancies but I'd be amazed if it's not high now. I will phone them later and see if I can get an appt. Trouble is, they don't allow you to pre book have to phone at 8am and unless it's an emergency they won't book you in. And you have to give them details of what's wrong before they even look at the appts for the day!

Xales Wed 27-Mar-13 14:10:28

You are amazing! No helpful advise just a hand squeeze. /hugs

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 27-Mar-13 14:19:55

Xales hand squeezes and hugs gratefully received! There are so many things I want to tell would be repeating myself over and over again but it helps me to get them all out but he has so many other things on his mind that I don't feel I should. He's been amazing, and would listen if I wanted to talk, but he is so distracted with business atm.

I wanted to get something out of my head the other night, but I opened mymouth and then shut it again without saying it, but I have only just accepted that when I was pg before I had DD2, he threw me on the settee, knelt on my stomach and strangled me. I had to call the military police. It was shortly after this that I started to bleed, and consequently ended up haemorrhaging and losing the baby, and needing blood transfusions. Following the attack he made me climb the rock of Gibraltar in 100 degree heat, despite the fact that I was miscarrying. But until recently I refused to allow myself to admit that his assault killed my unborn child. I wanted to say all this to DP but couldn't.

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 27-Mar-13 14:21:16

When I say he threw me on the settee, I am talking about exH, not my DP now! I wanted to tell my DP that exH assaulting and abusing me cost my unborn baby it's life and almost cost me mine.

Oh, sleeping, I'm sorry sad Please tell your DH these things. No matter how busy he is I'm sure he would rather know and have a chance to comfort you than not know. It is lovely of you to be so considerate, but he is your partner, and that means you can share this stuff with him. If the positions were reversed, I'm sure you would want him to talk to you.

Smudging Wed 27-Mar-13 14:55:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 27-Mar-13 15:21:57

scarlet I know he'd be devastated if he knew I was holding things back from him.

smudging it's the head's last day today so will go and speak to the new one after easter and see how he behaves. DD is never in photos - I was really upset with them though because at the harvest festival they took lots of photos to sell to parents. Rather than not take them with DD in, they took them and just blacked her face out! She was really upset about it, I thought it was so insensitive.

I have been on the stately homes thread several times, and it has helped. It's scary how many similarities there are in toxic upbringings. But her sister died yesterday so I can't cut her off yet, although I have considered it many times.

I'm really going to have to go to GP, I'm sitting here freezing cold but my face is absolutely on fire. House is nice and warm and yet I feel cold inside - from the neck up I'm burning.

myroomisatip Wed 27-Mar-13 15:33:43

I hope you have got an appointment, you need to tell them about the chest pain, hopefully they will see you urgently then.

Good luck !

fusspot66 Wed 27-Mar-13 15:35:08

Please phone your surgery and insist you see your doctor today. If not go to A and E.

Don't hold back then, sleeping. He sounds a good 'un. xx

SugariceisaGoodEgg Wed 27-Mar-13 15:50:38

Get an emergency appointment sleeping, do you still have any chest pain?

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