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Reported H to Social what?

(671 Posts)
sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 16:24:12

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

NicknameTaken Tue 19-Mar-13 15:40:58

Oh well done - great to have so many people taking this seriously and putting in place practical protection measures. It's great to have the reassurance that DD2 won't be forced to see him.

I think writing everything down is a great idea.

Thinking of you.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 19-Mar-13 16:49:08

solid I have, believe me. But it seems that once the CPS decide to discontinue a case there is little that can be done to get it re-opened.

sleepingwiththeenemy Tue 19-Mar-13 16:50:35

I just wanted to say thankyou again to all of you for the support you have continually shown me during this. It has been going on for 4 years now, and MN has always been there when no one else has.


BOEUF Tue 19-Mar-13 16:57:27

Love and strength to you, Sleeping. I remember this from the very beginning on MN, and I sometimes wonder how you are doing- I'm so glad you feel able to come back and talk things through.

BOEUF Tue 19-Mar-13 17:02:55

(I was BitOfFun ^^ btw x)

ffswhatnow Tue 19-Mar-13 17:13:39

OMG sleeping, I too remember your original thread sad

Thinking of you all x

JackieTheFart Tue 19-Mar-13 18:48:20

I rarely post on these boards, just lurk occasionally. I saw the title of this thread and have just read it from start to finish.

sleeping, you are an inspiration to anyone, fighting abuse or not. Your situation sounds like something most would crumble under. You have been amazing.

I'm disgusted the CPS just dropped the case though.

CiderwithBuda Tue 19-Mar-13 19:06:04

I so agree with everyone that it just inconceivable that he has gotten away with this and that it seems you have no right. It's horrible.

There is another thread at the moment about a MNer worrying about a similar situation that her SIL is in.

Anyway - wish I had something helpful to add or suggest but just letting you know that I'm thinking of you. Stay safe.

Messandmayhem Tue 19-Mar-13 19:37:49

Wow, you are such a strong woman, I hope everything works out for the best and you and your dc are safe from this monster

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 20-Mar-13 08:32:53

sigh...I went to fill the headmaster in on what was happening with the whole situation. And he said....

" Would you not sit down, the 2 of you, and have a chat about it all? "


Seriously? He knows the background, and that the police have us at high risk. And he thinks we can chat????????

Sugarice Wed 20-Mar-13 08:43:54

Well he's another twat isn't he! angry

What did you say to him?

claudedebussy Wed 20-Mar-13 08:51:33

fucking patronising wanker..

gosh i've become such a potty mouth.

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 20-Mar-13 08:57:38

Claude don't worry, my language has been very choice throughout this!

Sugar tbh I was so stunned that I didn't have a comeback. I just looked at him for ages (some would say a Paddington bear stare!) and said ''

Hassled Wed 20-Mar-13 09:00:51

Bloody hell - the headmaster must live in some sort of parallel universe featuring rainbows and unicorns.

Glad the home security is hopefully being sorted - but god, you must be beyond stressed. Thinking of you.

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 20-Mar-13 09:36:09

Thanks Hassled. It's a very weird feeling, on the surface (and for the sake of the DC) I am calm. I'm a very laid back person anyway, and tend not to get wound up or stressed) so all appears normal. But just under the surface I can feel the anxiety bubbling away, and it worries me that it will just all come boiling over.
Unfortunately for me I am not good at asking for help, and over the years, whenever anything has happened it's always been 'oh well, it's sleeping...she'll cope, she always does'. But actually a lot of the time I'm not really coping, and really need someone to take the slack and help me. So it follows that the same has happened now. My best friend has only text me once since all this started up again to ask how it's going. And my mum is back to making ridiculous comments...when I told her the house was getting extra locks and alarms etc she said 'oh, and are they going to put a sign on the front saying Buckingham Palace?'. Hmm...inappropriate. I'm glad she finds it amusing. But like I said before this is the same woman who, when I told her I had been raped, said 'well I wouldn't mind if he was good looking', and when I had a very traumatic miscarriage needing blood transfusions after haemorrhaging because of his abuse she said 'well I'm delighted you lost it'. The same woman who refused to give a statement to the police about the abuse she had witnessed because 'she can't stand coppers and didn't want them in the house''...what would the neighbours say?'.

It's a very lonely place to be.

Sugarice Wed 20-Mar-13 09:40:36

Your Mother is evil, comments like that and her refusal to give a statement are unforgivable.

NicknameTaken Wed 20-Mar-13 09:43:33

Yikes, sorry you've got so many fuckwits around you. Your mother - well, the woman just has serious empathy or compassion. Or common sense. And the headmaster - would I be so very wrong to fantasize about a situation where your ex turns up at the school, gets into a physical tussle with the HM where they both receive painful injuries to the testicles, and then your ex is carted off to jail because you're not allowed to hurt man-jewels, whatever you do to little girls and it's all over, deep sigh of relief. And....breathe.

NicknameTaken Wed 20-Mar-13 09:44:01

"serious" should have been "zero".

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 20-Mar-13 09:59:30

sugar my mum is a whole other thread!

And nickname, I just thought you were being ironic with the 'serious' comments, lol. Either works!

NicknameTaken Wed 20-Mar-13 10:27:10

I got muddled up with "zero" and "serious lack of". Glad you got what I meant!

SolidGoldBrass Wed 20-Mar-13 11:59:12

The headmaster's either smug and ignorant (ie thinks that DV doesn't really happen to Naice People) or a misogynist (Tsk, women, they get so wound up over trivia, Calm Down Dear). Which is unfortunate, so it might be best to deal with him by putting everything in writing and copying it to the school governors.

And your mother is an utter cow. You may have heard this before, but she is partly responsible for your current situation, in that growing up with her as a mother would have, unfortunately, done the sort of damage to you that acts as an invisible but powerfully attractive signal to abusive men. However, now you are getting steadily stronger and you have a lot of backup, and I sincerely wish you a positive solution to the whole business. (ie the XP either dead or banged up indefinitely).

sleepingwiththeenemy Wed 20-Mar-13 13:07:27

Solid yes, she is definitely partly responsible for it. I grew up walking on eggshells and it made me accept bad behaviour as 'normal' when I was treated badly in adult life I took it for much longer than a 'normal' woman would. I didn't question, or answer back because I had been conditioned not to.

I took a couple of years out from even considering dating, and spent the time 'finding myself' (I hate self-help type phrases but it fits), a lot of soul searching and learning. I took several steps back from my life and looked at myself with fresh eyes and was frankly horrified at how weak I had been. It will never happen again. When I started dating again I had such a strong 'red flag radar' that most men didn't make it to a second date. Until I met the man who is now my partner, and he was worth every second of soul searching.

As for HIM...I would like to see him inside; paedophiles and rapists are not given a happy time inside.

That stupid headmaster. He evidently didn't understand fukly that you ex is dangerous hmm

Didn't meant to say fukly, meant fully

your ex.


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