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Reported H to Social what?

(671 Posts)
sleepingwiththeenemy Sat 19-Jan-08 16:24:12

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

DoubleBluff Sat 19-Jan-08 17:37:35

Sorry just read your DD is 3 so she would be too young to be videoed. police will prob take a statement from you about what she has said to you. Unlikely it will go to Court but at least it will be on record with police and SSD. SS will then be able to make applications to prevent hin having access to other youg children.

normajean Sat 19-Jan-08 17:49:10

Hi, I have no experience of this type of thing (thank god) but I think you have been incredibley brave to leave him, you are 100% right to believe in your dd, and your past experience with the pornograhy are only more proof of that. Find the best legal advice you can,speak with doublebluff above, experience like that is invaluable. You can not underestimate the strength of a mother for her child, when you feel that you have no more to give, take a look at your dd, and nail the bastard to the wall. Keep fighting!

Shaniece Sat 19-Jan-08 19:19:35

Sleepingwiththeenemy - I remember reading your posts. I hope he doesn't track you down somehow. I think you need to phone the police again ASAP for more advice and change solicitor.

ilovewashingnappies Sat 19-Jan-08 20:54:16

You are so strong. No advice but couldn't read without sending some good wishes and luck

Kerri28 Sat 19-Jan-08 21:05:12

couldnt read this and not post. i am so sorry about what has happened to your daughter and the things she has been saying. you must be so sad and angry. i would change your solicitor IMMEDIATELY to one clser to you, who will apply for new legal aid. i think to get legal aid switched to another firm you must write to your first firm and complain about them and say you have no faith and wish to use someone else.

if your exH does take you to court for contact with your dd then raise the allegations of sexual abuse with the courts. They will have to hold a fact finding hearing first where both you and H will give evidence (as well as show the court any CAMAT video of you or your dd if one is taken) and if the court decides from this that he did abuse her, he will not get any unsupervised contact with her at all. Unfortnately ev en if you get that court to say he did abuse her, it is not the same as having a criminal conviction - different court, different standard of proof, different rules of evidence..

the police might investigate him, speak to the police and tell them how scared you are of yours and dd's safety once he finds out about the allegation, the if they bail him, they may attach conditions to his bail that he dosnt contact you or dd in any way. failing this, the fact that you have reported him for a crime and are scared of any retaliation should be enough to extend your non-molestation order.

good luck, let us know how it goes

Kerri28 Sat 19-Jan-08 21:05:54

i am a lawyer by the way blush

<<ducks and hides>>

Monkeytrousers Sat 19-Jan-08 21:08:30

God what a scum bag. My step dad used to try and get me to watch porn with him. Horrible memory just came back to me now but I was 12-13 not so young.

I am so sorry for you and your DD but I think with love she will forget about it - and if she does I think it is best left that way.

You must lose contact with everyone he knows. The police I am sure can issue verbal warnings to keep away and if he contravenes them he can be arrested - that is how it is re domestic abuse anyway now.

He will be put on the sex offenders register I am sure. Hopefully he will be imprisoned - or put in a secure unit if he pleads some form of insanity.

Be very proud of yourself and make the best of your lives away from him. Don't let his shadow ruin both your futures. You can overcome this. smile

EvieIsMyGirl Sat 19-Jan-08 22:08:26

OMG Monkeytrousers sorry to hear what you went through with your step dad but you say "I was only 12-13" not so young eh???????? Any age under 18 is young I think. I know the OP's DD was only 3 but abuse is abuse not matter what.

Just wanted to say how proud I am of YOU and the Op sleepingwiththeenemy. You both overcame it.

Monkeytrousers Sat 19-Jan-08 22:22:56

Not excusing any abuse - just saying she is more likely to be able to forget it. It will be more difficuklt for SWTE probably. Cannot not get angry about men like this.

Monkeytrousers Sat 19-Jan-08 22:23:34


Shaniece Sat 19-Jan-08 22:32:26

Sorry to hear what you had to suffer MT.

It's awful what some kids have to witness and go through. Have you had counselling?

Monkeytrousers Sat 19-Jan-08 22:52:39

all a long time ago now - not part of who i am today, cheers for asking

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 11:10:58

Hi all, and thankyou for your posts so far. MT, I know what you mean about her age; it's a blessing in disguise that she is so young, as she doesn't see it as wrong, so hopefully will be able to just forget all about it. Hopefully.
Rightly or wrongly I am not too concerned about a conviction; me and the DC have been through so much trauma and heartbreak over the 6 years he stole of our lives that I don't know if I have the strength to go through a trial. All I want is for us to be able to live in peace without fear of retribution. I don't give a rat's arse about him...if they lock him up and throw away the key I wouldn't give it a second thought. But for mine and the children's sakes I want this over and done with. Guessing it probably won't happen like that though.
Even though I have never doubted for a moment that she was telling me the truth (I believe children should be believed), I did go through a day worrying myself sick inc ase she'd got it wrong.. the horror of being accused of such a thing would be unimaginable. But I couldn't not act upon it could I? It's hard for my brain to compute that I could have chosen to marry a man who might be capable of doing that to a child, indeed his own child.
But the porn, the suicide attempts, the bizarre sexual behaviour he displayed towardsme throughout the marriage, the things he used to say to my older daughter and the things my little one told me...doesn't leave much room for doubt really.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 11:12:51

Sorry, meant to say all I want is to live without the fear of retribution and for him never to be able to clap eyes on my daughter again. I just want all of us to feel safe.

Shaniece Sun 20-Jan-08 11:15:34

Time to move on with your life and forgot about the scumbag. Your kids will and should always come first, and you have put them first - I wish more women would.

Best wishes xx

DoubleBluff Sun 20-Jan-08 11:36:33

MT - he will only go on the sex oofendeers reg if convicted by a Court or cautioned.
Sleep - you are doing all the right things so far. My hope for you is that he never gets contact and you and your chidren are able to livethe rest of your lives in peace free of him.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 11:47:50

DoubleBluff...that's my hope too. He has 2 children from a previous marriage who will have nothing to do with him at all...they are both completely out of control, drugs/drink etc...his ex wife told me that he used to bring women home while she was at work, shut his kids in the living room and have sex in the dining room...and the kids could hear this going on. So his behaviour has been highly suspect for years. Obviously this is all hearsay but it helps me to stay strong in my convictions.
Given that this is the 2nd time social services have been involved because of him, I am hopeful that we can be free of him.
So even with a caution, he would get put on the register?

Monkeytrousers Sun 20-Jan-08 12:58:19

Really DB? The man is obvioulsy a danger to females. I hope something can be done.

And he must never be allowed access. Lets hope some politaically correct judge doesn't inforce contact along the line.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 14:00:15

MT...that's what I'm worried about. That it's a judge or such like who supports Fathers4justice for instance. Like I said I am all for fathers having absolute contact with their children despite a marital breakup...but not under any circumstances. Not like this. Can you imagine if I am ordered to comply with contact visits...having to hand her over to him every week knowing what he might do (and believing he can get away with it too!)

SheikYerbouti Sun 20-Jan-08 14:39:40

Oh god, sleepingwiththeenemy, I can't imagine how you must have felt when your DD told you hat your ex had done. It's every parent's worst nightmare sad

For what it's worth, you sound like a very strong and amazing woman, and you have done the absolute best thing to get as far away from the bastard as you can. You will get through this.

Get another solicitor and don't give up.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 16:20:14

I was and still am numb to be honest. I'm sure my feelings will kick in at some time or another; certainly if and when I have to come face to face with him. The thought terrifies me but I also know that all the simmering anger will give me the impetus to see this through.
Another thing I am scared of is how I will feel once it sinks in that he did this. I will question myself as a mother - how did I let this happen? Why did I not stop it?
I won't give up - to be honest I think it's out of my hands now anyway even if I wanted to, which I don't. I'm going to phone the local refuge tomorrow and ask for a recommendation for a solicitor - one experienced in child protection.

Monkeytrousers Sun 20-Jan-08 17:01:49

Yes, get a new solicitor. And I'm sure we could kick up quite a stink here on MN, the meeja's favorite source of all things 'maternal' if such a thing was to be threatened! smile

DoubleBluff Sun 20-Jan-08 17:29:20

You did stop it though sleep.
You left. You would be surprised how many women stay knowing that this is goin gon. Some mothers choose to boelieve theor partners rathe than their children.

Monkeytrousers Sun 20-Jan-08 17:46:23

Yes, I know that one.

sleepingwiththeenemy Sun 20-Jan-08 18:40:58

Good never crossed my mind not to believe her. I find it hard to believe as much as I don't want to believe it...butI never doubted her.

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