I think were at the end

[MarnieMumma]

I just feel really blah about my marriage. Weve been together a long time (20 yrs+). I feel like my DH is very selfish. He does absolutely FA with the kids (unless i organise it). Its all about him. He will go to sports matches but never takes the teenager as its beers and food after with the lads. I feel sad for him. He wants to watch sport on tv all the time (drives me insane). he wants to sit down with a beer and chill out so no one can make noise or he cant hear the telly. He books weekends away with his mates. He got invited to a work colleague wedding (no invite for me). His drinking is an issue. Ive kept tabs on his drinking this week and hes on average from Weds to Sun drank around 15-18 units daily. He flys off the handle, especially when drinking, if he makes something to eat and the kids dont like it or i dont like it. I do a lot to appease him and keep the peace. Its like treading on egg shells Its not a nice atmosphere sometimes. Ive talked to him about his drinking but he just dismisses it and minimises it. Its the old- Someone else drinks more than him and hes not drinking spirits so hes ok. Says he will cut down but doesnt. Idk its just not where i see myself. I just feel unhappy with life. We both work. Kids at school. He claims hes not got money but hes on just as much as me and i can afford and often do pay for clubs/gifts for kids birthdays etc. wheres all his money going.
I think ive got the ick in the bedroom dept. He’s generally pissed when he tries it on so thats off putting. Weve not done it for ages but when i say no he gets angry and stomps around. I just dont see him like that anymore. Ive worked out i could afford to run the house just about on my wage alone if he left.

Help me formulate a plan! How do i break it to him. I dont want to be on my own as a single parent but cant stand to stay as we are. Maybe some time apart??

[pog100]

No experience OP but you can't carry on living like this. That's definitely very problem drinking and he just sounds horrible. He is being a shit father and a shit husband. Others will hopefully guide you more usefully.

[Babdoc]

The safe alcohol limit for men is 28 units per WEEK. You claim your DH is drinking between 75 and 90 units in five days!
If true, he is a) an alcoholic and b) heading for liver damage/failure.
It sounds as though he is contributing nothing to your relationship, and is a terrible role model for your children. Why should you have to tiptoe around his boozing and tv watching, while doing all the donkey work in the house?
OP, this marriage is dead in all but name. Surely it’s time to put it out of its misery, and start divorce proceedings.

[MarnieMumma]

Thank you

[lastqueenofscotland]

He’s no money because he’s drinking.
For the sake of your children you need to leave, they shouldn’t grow up thinking this is ok!

[Santahasjoinedww]

My exh was worse. Never did anything at all with the dc... Pissed in the wardrobes. He attacked me drunk. Police came. I reported him for drink driving and filed for divorce.

[MarnieMumma]

Its a horrible situation which has gotten worse over the years. I cant see him ever pulling back on the drinking/being less selfish….

[Momijin]

He sounds awful. You will all be so much happier without him.

[IsThePopeCatholic]

Sounds like a slob. Why would you stay with him?

[MarnieMumma]

When i have “the talk” and say its over, should i ask him to leave there and then? Or give him time to figure out where he will go? Id imagine he will move in with his parents who have two spare rooms (in the short term)

[MarnieMumma]

@IsThePopeCatholic idk its been 20+ years of slowly getting to this point… i was young when we got together

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

His drinking is an issue. Ive kept tabs on his drinking this week and hes on average from Weds to Sun drank around 15-18 units daily. He flys off the handle, especially when drinking, if he makes something to eat and the kids dont like it or i dont like it. I do a lot to appease him and keep the peace. Its like treading on egg shells Its not a nice atmosphere sometimes.

Please don't make your kids live in this atmosphere for any longer. It's so, so damaging. Let that fuel you to end the relationship.

[MarnieMumma]

@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you. I know it needs to end but its easier said than done.

[billy1966]

OP,

What a life for your children.

How have you tolerated such an environment for them.

What a childhood.

Stop considering this utterly selfish alcoholic waster, and think of what your children are going to remind about their childhood?

Imagine what they will remember.

[MarnieMumma]

Tbh when hes not here eg at work/away for the weekend we all breathe a sigh of relief. Its so much calmer and nice. I want that all the time.

[Weenurse]

Seek legal advice about home, bank accounts, pensions etc.
Formulate a plan. Budget for everything you can think of and don’t rely on any money from him.
Tell him the marriage is over, I don’t know if mentioning the drinking will make it better or worse.
Talk to him before he starts drinking for the day.
If you think he may kick off, have a friend or family member close by.
Good luck

[MarnieMumma]

Hes very touchy about the drinking but i think thats because i bring it up often. Even the kids, if were being silly and they say something about him, talk about him sat on the sofa with a beer :(

I just think ive changed (becoming a mum, trying to be healthy etc) and hes hasnt. Whilst i facilitate him to be the way he is. Weve just fallen into this way and im just sick of it now. Take last night- i was home late as i visited parents after work, id been shop but as i felt drained i just wanted to get home - i forgot something that he wanted but he didnt need it straight away. Anyway i walked through the door to him making dinner (something hes not particularly fond of but i like). He was in a bad mood, beer in hand shouty and sweary. Making little molehills into mountains. Then he sits in a mood all night, no help getting kids to bed- he just takes himself to bed and goes sleep. He says he tries to put the kids to bed but they wont let him (probably because he has no patience and gets angry) sigh….

[Weenurse]

Start planning the life you want and work towards it.
Get paperwork sorted in terms of pensions, savings etc.
Then think about practical things like work, housing, child care.
Makes some plans.
Good luck

[litterbird]

You need to figure out what you will do if he refuses to leave. How are you and the children going to manage, can you live elsewhere with the children whisky the divorce goes through. You will be at the most difficult and dangerous time when you tell him you are divorcing him. Find somewhere that will take you and the children when he turns nasty and refuses to go.

[layladomino]

Oh he sounds awful. There are no benefits at all for you and your children living with him, and many advantages to leaving.

He brings the whole mood of the house down. Drinking, shouting, moaning. Selfish. Lazy. Slobbish.

Why on earth would he expect you to want to be with him?

He won't acknowledge he drinks far too much, so he's not going to do anything about it, so it will get worse not better.

Please release you and your DCs from this misery. A much better life awaits! I suggest going to see a solicitor before you say anything to him. Seek their advice on what steps you need to take. Then formulate a plan. If he could turn nasty, have someone with you (or at least nearby) when you tell him.

[SouthernMamma]

Defo get rid

[SouthernMamma]

Agree with @litterbird - it is a dangerous time when you tell a man it's over - make your safety plan. Your life will be so much better without him and your children will thank you for it

[MarnieMumma]

Thank you for your replies. Im taking your advice on board and starting to think about how to get out of this.

[billy1966]

If he's drinking, angry and swearing, have you any idea how scary and threatening that is to children?

He's very unpredictable.

That's very frightening for children.

Call Womens aid for advice.

This is no environment for children.

[Suzanne999]

My ex h drank like your husband ( probably more as he started as early as10 am) It doesn’t get any better, it gets worse. The belligerence, nasty comments then later threats. There comes a point of no return in the relationship with an alcoholic and it sounds like you’ve passed that.

Could you speak with a solicitor to hopefully get him out of the house so you and DC can stay? I think that would be a good starting point.

From a safety point of view with 15-18 units repeatedly going into his system he is most likely over the driving limit most of the time, so please be careful who is in a vehicle with him. Or if he drives OTL you can call the police, give his reg number and name and they’ll probably stop him.

[Curiousmouse]

I think if you own the house, legal proceedings need to start quickly. If you don't, I think I'd move rather than trying to force him to, as long as your name isn't on the rent book.