Made my mum cry

[Goldi321]

I need some advice on this (recurrent situation) that typically goes like this- my DM will continually push my boundaries (e.g. I’ve never been comfortable with forced personal contact like cuddles) until I snap then she cries and I feel like a terrible person. To put this into context I am mid 30s and I don’t remember it happening in early childhood but seems to be getting worse as I and she get older.
Today in a family zoom call my DB had a new haircut and he asked what people thought of it. Everyone else said it looked nice, her response was “I don’t like it, I prefer your hair longer”. I brushed this off for DB and said “isn’t it good then that our parents don’t get a say in how we have our hair when we are adults?” as I would’ve felt crap about this and have done when she’s made similar comments to me before about how she prefers my hair.

Then later on we were talking about SILs sister who is 40 weeks pregnant. She has had a really tough time and has had lots of investigations for very large baby and bump, all thankfully normal. I am 33 weeks pregnant and feeling pretty uncomfortable and rubbish about myself. Have cried to DH a fair few times about how uncomfortable and out of control I feel!
DB was saying that the sister is “pretty huge” now she is 40 weeks and my DM chipped in with “like your sister then!”.
My jaw dropped and I said that was really offensive and said that she should think about how her comments make people feel.
Her and my DDad tried to say that it was because I am pregnant and of course I am big, no apology given.
She then disappeared “to the loo” and came back very quiet and had obviously been crying.
Obviously, I feel awful. But this is a very recurrent theme where I bite my tongue until I can no longer, try to explain how I feel and then she cries.
She is very critical of people. I remember as a teenager multiple times trying to hide a huge spot (you know when you feel like you’ve grown a 2nd head) with makeup etc hoping it wasn’t noticeable and always the first thing she would say when I walked into a room was “Is that a SPOT?” And get up in my face to have a good look, when all I wanted was her to act normally and fake that she couldn’t see anything.

[Holly60]

Personally it sounds like a clash of personalities just from what you have said on here. My own mum (and dear friends, and MIL) could have told me -truthfully- that I looked huge in late pregnancy and I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. My mum would have told me that she preferred my hair a certain way - but I knew her so well I would have been able to predict she would feel like that anyway and just brush it off. Again my mum would have probably blurted something out about my spot and I would have told her to shut up/piss off and we would have laughed about it.

But if that isn’t your vibe she needs to respect that and try not to upset you

[Holly60]

An example of something my mum definitely would have said to me :
Me: walking into room having tried for an hour to cover spot with makeup.
Mum: ‘ooh Holly aren’t you going to try to cover that spot a bit before you go out?’
Me: ‘shut up mother, you bumbling eegit’
Before disappearing back upstairs to try to fix it more

[SmolCat]

Honestly your mum sounds like she has no filter/boundaries but you also seem a bit hyper aware. (You don’t need to control things for your brother. You can’t expect someone to pretend that they don’t see something.)

Together I just think you clash.

Maybe having a frank discussion with her: say that you need her not to comment about your appearance ever unless it’s very complimentary. Tell her you’re very sensitive to it.

[VioletLemon]

Your DM is being unfairly critical I feel.
She sounds like she has no understanding of the effects of her words on you. I'd explain, if you can that you love her and you'd love her support but you're not sure of the reason she says things you find upsetting. Maybe she is a bit resentful you are no longer under her control and doesn't know what to do to connect. You can choose to distance yourself until she indicates a response. Perhaps she misses you, feels that she's not needed and is just messing up..

[Luredbyapomegranate]

@SmolCat

Honestly your mum sounds like she has no filter/boundaries but you also seem a bit hyper aware. (You don’t need to control things for your brother. You can’t expect someone to pretend that they don’t see something.)

Together I just think you clash.

Maybe having a frank discussion with her: say that you need her not to comment about your appearance ever unless it’s very complimentary. Tell her you’re very sensitive to it.

This

You are 33 three weeks, of course you are huge, this doesn’t seem an unreasonable light comment to make.

Just have a think about how you’d like her to communicate with you, and be specific. You won’t get everything you want, but hopefully you’ll find a compromise.

[Prettybubblesintheair]

I think you’re over sensitive and hyper vigilant when it comes to your mums comments. Your jaw dropped because your mother said you had a big bump?! I think you need to stop being so hard on her, parents aren’t perfect. Sometimes they say the wrong thing.

[Goldi321]

Honestly, I realise how petty these few examples sound and yes I do have a bump and am perhaps a bit sensitive about being called big! I’m not comparable to a 40 weeker with a big bump requiring further investigations.
I’ve just had many, many years of critical comments that catch me off guard and trying to force me to do things that are against my personal boundaries.
I’m yet to tell her that we want some alone time as a family when baby arrives before introducing the newborn (they live 3 hours away so would expect me to host them). I’m preparing for tears again.

[freeatlast2021]

Hello OP, first of all let me tell you that I totally get it. My mom was an amazing human being and I loved her to bits but she used to drive me crazy with her comments and I would not be gentle in my responses. She has passed away eight years ago and not a day passes by that I do not miss her. The thing is, she is your mom and do not worry too much about what you tell her or what she tells you, your bond is unbreakable.

I am now a mom, of three, and while I know I am not at all perfect and they often say something that hurt my feelings, I love them more then anything and I know they love me and nothing can change that.

[amusedbush]

You are 33 three weeks, of course you are huge, this doesn’t seem an unreasonable light comment to make.

If I was 33 weeks pregnant and someone compared me to someone not only 7 weeks further along but so large it concerned medical professionals, I think I'd be pretty offended too.

OP, I think the comment about you being hyper sensitive to your DM's comments is probably true because I'm exactly the same way. After a lifetime of little barbs and unnecessary, unsoliticed comments from my mum, my guard is up all the time and, honestly, the woman gets my back up just by breathing wrong.

Jonah Hill posted on his instagram a while ago that he is no longer accepting comments about his appearance, either positive or negative, and this is the stance I'm taking now. I 100% recommend you join me because it frees up so much mental energy!

[Goldi321]

@amusedbush you’ve summed it up with this sentence my guard is up all the time and, honestly, the woman gets my back up just by breathing wrong

I got told at Christmas “ you’ve put weight on your face too” in the middle of small talk.

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

In fairness, your brother asked what people thought of his haircut. She didn't say "I hate it and you look shit", she just said she preferred it longer. I'm sure your brother couldn't care less, but you chose to be offended on his behalf and get spiky with her.

[Aquamarine1029]

Your mother is a rude, hateful bitch. It really is that simple. She goes out of her way to hurt her own children's feelings. It's incomprehensible to me.

If I were you, I'd be taking a massive step back and severely limiting my contact. It's high time your mother learns there are consequences for her unacceptable behaviour.

[HellonHeels]

No one should be telling a 33 week pregnant woman that they look huge. It's totally uncalled for.

Seems she can dish it out but is supremely oversensitive herself.

[Wreath21]

You and your mum are stuck in a pattern of her criticising you and you having a big teenage tantrum. The only way to fix this is for you to stop reacting - just brush it off (while calling her rude names in your head, if you want).

[Ozanj]

@Goldi321

Honestly, I realise how petty these few examples sound and yes I do have a bump and am perhaps a bit sensitive about being called big! I’m not comparable to a 40 weeker with a big bump requiring further investigations.
I’ve just had many, many years of critical comments that catch me off guard and trying to force me to do things that are against my personal boundaries.
I’m yet to tell her that we want some alone time as a family when baby arrives before introducing the newborn (they live 3 hours away so would expect me to host them). I’m preparing for tears again.

Of course you’re comparable. Don’t be ridiculous. Nobody’s measuring bump size they’re just saying two pregnant women look pregnant. Honestly you sound like you probably need to focus on yourself rather than overanalyse what other people say - try and stop doing social events or cut them back a bit.

[ThePoint678]

Nope, I’m with you OP. After a lifetime of criticism relating to personal appearance it’s reasonable that you are on high alert and sensitive. No one tells a pregnant woman she is “huge”. It’s insensitive and pointless when obviously someone is also processing all the changes in her body. Hold your boundaries. If she cries because you hold her to a reasonable standard, that’s not your fault or problem.

[FinallyFluid]

She has no filter, My Mother once told me during a discussion about osteoporosis between my self and my sisters that I would be OK because I was so fat, I countenanced with your boobs have all but disappeared are you having anything done with them ?

She she said how dare you be so personal, I replied touche, the next time she was personal I asked her in company how her sex life was doing now she was in her seventies, she clammed up and now filters her comments to me.

[isee20]

Hi OP, is your mum going through menopause?
If so, it might explain the unexpected responses and outbursts followed by crying. Just a thought. I don't think she's being spiteful or deliberately hurtful, no mother would be like that so it might be something to consider...

[Aquamarine1029]

I don't think she's being spiteful or deliberately hurtful, no mother would be like that so it might be something to consider...

You can't possibly be this naive, surely? More mothers than I care to think about are 100% deliberately hurtful.

[FinallyFluid]

@isee20

Hi OP, is your mum going through menopause?
If so, it might explain the unexpected responses and outbursts followed by crying. Just a thought. I don't think she's being spiteful or deliberately hurtful, no mother would be like that so it might be something to consider...

And the band played believe it if you will.

Baby P anyone ?

[isee20]

@Aquamarine1029

I don't think she's being spiteful or deliberately hurtful, no mother would be like that so it might be something to consider...

You can't possibly be this naive, surely? More mothers than I care to think about are 100% deliberately hurtful.

No not naive but I genuinely think mothers want the best for their children, some might have a different way of showing it. I'm not trying to excuse her behaviour but just exploring other reasons she's being like this rather than jump on the 'abusive' bandwagon. Sometimes there is something else going on

[MimiDaisy11]

When someone makes remarks like this all the time it’s hard to properly get it across in a message like this as people are looking at specific examples you gave and saying how they’d feel if their mum or someone had said it whereas the context of having received such remarks constantly matters.

[GrannytoaUnicorn]

OP you have reminded me so much of my own mother! As I was walking out of the front door and leaving my 2 week old baby with her for ONE HOUR to go for a coffee with my partner (it had been a really, really tough birth & first 2 weeks which she knew, and this was needed!), She said "I couldn't leave my babies until they were at least 6 weeks...." 😳 Followed by "Don't worry about a thing, take your time!! Bye"

😳😳😳😳😳😳

[RantyAunty]

You can either ignore
Zap her back
Or agree with her, exaggerate, and laugh it off.

snarky comment about being big, say, indeed. won't be long until I'm big as a house, maybe a skyscraper even. look out, I'll be around to crush everyone!

Take the wind out of her sails.