DH looking at women on Instagram

[Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]

Hey - I’m feeling very shitty and would appreciate some kindness and opinions please. Sorry for the long post.

I’m pregnant with baby number 3. Usually I am very slim but in pregnancy I seem to gain a lot of weight no matter what I do. I work hard to lose it in between. This baby was a bit of a surprise so the weight and changes to my body feel sprung upon me somewhat. I am delighted as we had planned a third, it’s just sooner than expected. Condom failure (in case anybody asks).

Anyway, DH has form for having lied during first pregnancy and flirted/gone out for drinks with a female colleague a few times. We recovered but I’m still quite sensitive/vulnerable during pregnancy. I used his Instagram 2 nights ago as my phone was on charge and wanted to search for a friend of mine (this is no big deal; we often use one another’s phone if closer). His search bar list was basically full of bikini clad, half naked women. I asked him about it later (by which point the search bar had been deleted) and after initially pretending he didn’t know what I meant, he said sometimes he sees these women on his meme pages and absentmindedly clicks on them. Nothing more to it. Just likes to look at them.

The trouble is it has really really made me feel like shit. That he wants to look at these women. We never have sex now as he’s “very tired” or one or both of us have had colds blah blah I’m feeling very, very unattractive, especially now. I don’t want to be naked in front of him now as I feel like he’s searching for something else, wants to see all these nice, fit bodies.

I’m just a bit sad really. I know it’s pathetic and I’m sure I’m being an insecure loser but it’s really got me down.

[coldfeetmama]

Of course it has
You are feeling heavy and unattractive
Your beloved husband is constantly looking at very attractive half naked women on social media

Who wouldn't feel shitty ? It's normal

Please don't try to justify why you are - using his phone , looking at his search , we get it

Can you move past it ? Is he otherwise a loyal decent loving supportive partner ? Do you have other concerns ?

Then you choose what you can live with
Do you want to feel insecure / unhappy/ second best for all your life ?
Can you ignore this and enjoy the family you are creating ?

Personally , I'd shove his back side out the door
He has history - entirely up to you

[Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]

Can you move past it ? Is he otherwise a loyal decent loving supportive partner ? Do you have other concerns?

He is quite emotionally cold due to his upbringing. I’ve complained for several years about lack of general service intimacy. If we don’t have sex I don’t get kisses. Sometimes it’s been months since I’ve had a kiss or a cuddle. I know we are in the fog of 2 small children but I do feel like he takes me for granted. At least when I’m not pregnant I can have enough confidence in myself and my appearance to not let it get me down.

When we argued about this, he, as he always does, started to play the victim. “I’m
Not mentally in a good place. I’m stressed with work. My parents are complicated”. All this stuff that if he wanted to discuss usually would be fine but reeks of looking for excuses.

I’m don’t see how I can end a marriage with 3 children over something so minor, but I also don’t see how to get past something which has, I feel, really really hurt me, damaged my confidence and damaged my belief in our relationship. At least with the flirting with the work colleague I could tell myself someone i was initiating with him and he was responding, as many people would.

This is him actively wanting to look at other women. He also says he’s not wanking to them. Which I find a little insulting as I can’t believe that’s true either, in which case it’s yet another lie.

I appreciate men like to look at naked women etc. It’s just hurting me/it’s not how I thought things were

[Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]

Also thank you @coldfeetmama for your kindness

[lastqueenofscotland]

I’d have had him gone when he was trying to start something with a female colleague.
He obviously has no respect for you!

[lastqueenofscotland]

Also OP most people who respect their partners would not “respond” if someone tried something with them.

[LollyPops111]

Instagram aside, if he has been unfaithful in the past and is not wanting to have sex with you, that would ring alarm bells for me. Also he is capable of lying, so what else is he lying about?

[coldfeetmama]

@Notfeelinggreataboutmyself
Being single and even a single parent is not such a bad place to be

You know where you stand , you know what you have to do , you know how much money you have and most importantly- you sleep easy at night knowing no one is tailing advantage , disrespecting you or letting you down

You can do it
Or- accept him the way he is and find a balance you can live with

[Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]

@lastqueenofscotland

I never had any definitive proof - just some emails, and the little I could drag out of him by bluffing that I knew more. He is honestly just the biggest liar. I could catch him in bed with someone and he would say he wasn’t doing anything and that’s it. It’s extremely difficult to get any truth out of him, but I love him snd we have a family snd I couldn’t just leave without something harder. It was a very damaging time but I got over it for the most part, the scars remain though and at times like this I feel a little that old wounds are being reopened, if that makes sense.

[Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]

@LollyPops111

He was not unfaithful before. At least the evidence I ended up with (and I guess I will never really know) suggested some flirting and drinks. That’s all.

[Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]

@coldfeetmama

It’s a very good point, I know. I just think about my 3 year old and how he would respond and it doesn’t feel worth it to leave. But then I don’t see how I can get past this one now. I know I am responsible for my own confidence and feelings but I don’t really want to be with someone who, after only 4 years of marriage, already needs other women to bolster him sexually or whatever it is

[LollyPops111]

[quote Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]@LollyPops111

He was not unfaithful before. At least the evidence I ended up with (and I guess I will never really know) suggested some flirting and drinks. That’s all.[/quote]
Flirting and lying about being out for drinks with a colleague is a form of cheating. If he’s a liar then he will lie about anything.

You clearly have issues with trust regardless, that should have been sorted before you even thought about planning a child.

[Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]

you clearly have issues with trust regardless, that should have been sorted before you even thought about planning a child

That’s not true, actually. I have never before had any trust issues. I was pregnant with my first when the colleague situation happened. I didn’t know the extent of it until I was pregnant with my second, as a number of lies were uncovered by accident during that pregnancy. As I’ve said, this third was not planned. But actually your comment is judgemental as it is unhelpful. I don’t have a time machine and nor would I change anything as I love my children deeply and, at least, my husband is a loving father and they are happy. But I hope your comment has made you feel better about yourself.

[LollyPops111]

@Notfeelinggreataboutmyself

you clearly have issues with trust regardless, that should have been sorted before you even thought about planning a child

That’s not true, actually. I have never before had any trust issues. I was pregnant with my first when the colleague situation happened. I didn’t know the extent of it until I was pregnant with my second, as a number of lies were uncovered by accident during that pregnancy. As I’ve said, this third was not planned. But actually your comment is judgemental as it is unhelpful. I don’t have a time machine and nor would I change anything as I love my children deeply and, at least, my husband is a loving father and they are happy. But I hope your comment has made you feel better about yourself.

But you already said you planned for a third but it happened sooner than you’d liked, so you still chose to get pregnant with these issues and with a partner who lies a lot. How is that judgemental and unhelpful. What is the point of posting if people are giving you advice and you’re getting defensive.
If you don’t have trust issue, you’re ok with him refusing to have sex with you, you are happy with him lying about being out drinking and flirting with a colleague then carry on but why on earth did you post for.

[Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]

@LollyPops111

I planned to have a third child in several years time, assuming everything was ok. Not now. That’s not the same thing,
Is it? It’s not defensive to point out that your comment isn’t helpful - it’s not. It’s just placing blame on me. So is saying I have trust issues. I don’t have trust issues in general - I have specific and fairly understandable concerns around my husband given his previous behaviour.

I posted because of helpful advice and support which happens on MN. There are posters who like to kick others when they are down too - that doesn’t mean I need to sit there and take it whilst waiting for helpful comments! Posting on MN (particularly not on AIBU) doesn’t mean I have a huge “kick me” sign on my back.

[user33323]

I logged on to my DH's barely used Instagram to print some photos once (he gave me the log in and asked me to do it) and had a similar thing, all naked bikini clad women and porn hash tag suggestions like #facedownarseup...
Now I can't say 100% for sure, and I made light of it, but this is totally out of character for my DH to the point I found it funny rather than upset (I'd be upset with regular porn use) and he claimed he hadn't searched any of those terms. He's never used the search function, and didn't know how to search hash tags (is genuinely a tech dinosaur). Yes, he could absolutely be lying, and I'm neutral on what I think, but according to my googling it absolutely is an Instagram algorithm thing, and these searches are deliberately targeted to single men (we both have single on our social media profiles even though we've been together for over 15 years just because we haven't bothered to change it). I'm half tempted to set up a fake single male account now you've said this to test this.

[Babdoc]

OP, I’m actually more bothered by your statement that he is emotionally cold, than about him looking at pictures.
If he is not expressing love and affection, not making you feel secure, wanted and loved, then this is not really a marriage is it? At least from his point of view you appear to be just a “friend with benefits”.
He gets a housekeeper, and emotionless sex on demand.
What do you get? What is this relationship actually doing for you right now, apart from destroying your confidence, making you doubt yourself, making you feel unloved and unattractive?
OP, I would get through this pregnancy then take stock of how you want your life to be. And specifically, whether you want this uncaring cold fish to be part of it.

[Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]

@user33323

I am sorry to say this but I do not think what your husband has said is true!

[Babdoc]

user33323, OP refers to DH in her post. So he is NOT a single man and would not be part of the target market of any such algorithm.

[Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]

@Babdoc

I keep thinking once this baby is out and I am back to myself (I’m only halfway through so only going to get bigger) I will feel stronger and more confident to tackle this issue and leave.

What I get out of it I suppose is getting to stay at home with my little ones which is what I wanted.but the terms of our pre nup actually mean I could do this if we divorced too so it’s not a compelling argument. In lots of ways he’s my best friend. There’s a great amount of sharing and fun. But the problem is if there’s no physical side, no respect from him, no effort to change that despite numerous discussions then, as you say, is it even a marriage?

During the Instagram discussion I pointed out he had done nothing to fix his intimacy issues. He said he didn’t have time. I pointed out he had time
To train for (and then run) a Marathon this year but not even do a cursory Google for ideas for helping him become less cold.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

I’m don’t see how I can end a marriage with 3 children over something so minor

He doesn't show physical affection unless it's to have sex

He is emotionally cold

He had an emotional affair / drinks with someone else when you were pregnant, so at your most vulnerable

He lies to your face e.g. if they were in his search bar he proactively looked them up he did not just click on them through another page or post

He plays the victim when you try to discuss issues in the relationship

You would be ending a marriage over the combination of these things, not 'just' an Instagram issue.

This is not what a happy, healthy relationship looks like and the longer you stay together the more likely it is that your kids will replicate this unhealthy, unhappy relationship themselves as adults.

[user33323]

Like I said, I am not in denial and agree my husband absolutely could be lying. But there are thousands of posts online highlighting this issue. I've screen shot the first one I found googling just now. Also, strangely enough I've searched soft porn hashtags on Instagram, and they've never showed up on my own feed suggestions. My own husband's honesty aside (and I'm not trying to excuse yours in anyway, but just highlighting he probably didn't have to go looking for them) but I do believe the algorithms are undoubtedly misogynistic.

[Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Thank you - it’s very; very helpful to see it all written down! Helps me feel I’m not overreacting

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@user33323

I logged on to my DH's barely used Instagram to print some photos once (he gave me the log in and asked me to do it) and had a similar thing, all naked bikini clad women and porn hash tag suggestions like #facedownarseup...
Now I can't say 100% for sure, and I made light of it, but this is totally out of character for my DH to the point I found it funny rather than upset (I'd be upset with regular porn use) and he claimed he hadn't searched any of those terms. He's never used the search function, and didn't know how to search hash tags (is genuinely a tech dinosaur). Yes, he could absolutely be lying, and I'm neutral on what I think, but according to my googling it absolutely is an Instagram algorithm thing, and these searches are deliberately targeted to single men (we both have single on our social media profiles even though we've been together for over 15 years just because we haven't bothered to change it). I'm half tempted to set up a fake single male account now you've said this to test this.

If this was on his 'discovery' page it means he's looked at similar topics / pictures before so the algorithm is showing him them as priority.

If it's his 'search' page, he's manually looked up the people / search terms you saw.

[user33323]

@Babdoc

user33323, OP refers to DH in her post. So he is NOT a single man and would not be part of the target market of any such algorithm.

Yes, I know. But neither is my husband. Not everyone has the right details on their SM profiles, particularly when they set them up years ago.

[Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]

@user33323

Phones and apps know if you are single without it being on your page because of data accumulation and hot mics. Your husband’s Instagram will know he isn’t single, for sure.