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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I being petty or am I right to be fuming ?

196 replies

bagpuss90 · 07/12/2021 23:06

My partner was in a relationship with a woman for around three years. They lived together for a while -broke up but were friends with benefits for quite a while afterwards. I’ve always felt uneasy about their relationship - they still chat from time to time. But I honestly don’t think he’s cheated with her. So we were going to be passing by where she lives - and I agreed slightly reluctantly to meet her.
He arranged to pick her up -we pulled up outside her house . I’d got out to walk around as I’m having back problems and wanted to stretch a bit. She walked out, he introduced her, we shook hands and she proceeded to jump in the front passenger seat of the car.
I sat in the back - she basically ignored me and chatted to him. To be fair I think he was mortified . We arrived at the pub where we were going to be having lunch and I didn’t handle it well. I basically stomped off and turned my phone off. It all got a bit silly -I got the train home. He says they didn’t have lunch -he just dropped her home. Apparently she told him she thought I was deranged and he needed to think carefully about our relationship. It’s caused a bit of a void to say the least . I felt totally belittled. He says I over reacted and she didn’t mean any harm . But fuck me -I wouldn’t behave like that

OP posts:

Report

DixieSun · 07/12/2021 23:15

Sounds a bit dramatic to me

litterbird · 07/12/2021 23:17

What happened for you to storm off like that?

Mammyloveswine · 07/12/2021 23:18

Why did you storm off???

todaysdilemma · 07/12/2021 23:18

I'd leave him. You didn't cover yourself in glory behaving as you did (could have taken the higher ground; you've just given her a reason to stick the boot in) but I can't fathom having to sit in the pub to meet anyone's friend with benefits ex!! It's bizarre. Assuming no children are involved? So why is he still hanging out with a woman he used to shag post break up... And taking her side too - no loyalty to you is there.

Far too much drama and you're best out of it. Some men love having a back up woman in their lives in case one relationship goes tits up and if not her, it'll be someone else down the line. Just walk and save your sanity.

NoNameHere12 · 07/12/2021 23:19

She sat in the front! Ouch!
He doesn’t sound worth it, 3 is a crowd.
(Can he really not see your side?)

Numbertime · 07/12/2021 23:20

I agree with @todaysdilemma he’s stirring isn’t he.

Bathmat1 · 07/12/2021 23:21

What exactly didn't you handle well? What happened for you to storm off? If it was because she sat in the front seat then yes you were deranged. You should have had a laugh about what a CF she is with your DP afterwards

bagpuss90 · 07/12/2021 23:22

I guess I stormed off because of a build up. Feeling uncomfortable about their relationship-always felt she was “on ice”. I didn’t want to be there and it just spiralled

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Bathmat1 · 07/12/2021 23:23

But yes weird all round he suggested meeting and you agreed to go rather than point out how inappropriate it was

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 07/12/2021 23:24

You've still not said what happened to make you storm off? Was it just that she sat in the front?

Best to end it. He doesn't sound like a keeper.

BillMasen · 07/12/2021 23:26

So you got out of the car, she may have thought you’d decided to let her in the front, she sits in the front and you storm off and take the train home

Yeah you overreacted and owe him an apology I think

bagpuss90 · 07/12/2021 23:28

I just didn’t want to be there on the first place

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nocnoc · 07/12/2021 23:30

You should never have agreed to go in the first place. Where’s your backbone

Bettybantz · 07/12/2021 23:31

I’m the moment it probably did look a bit dramatic but my guess is that this was the last straw in a situation you were already uncomfortable with,
Better communication is needed. Have you ever spoken to him about how you feel about them?

todaysdilemma · 07/12/2021 23:32

I think the issue is him making you meet her at all, and her subtly claiming territory. I would certainly see an old gf sitting up front leaving me at the back and ignoring me as passive aggressive. No one would assume the gf would sit in the back, especially not when you're the ex, or you'd at least ask.

You should have refused to meet her but seeing as she's a big part of his life, you need to decide if you're ok being with someone who's so close to an ex who clearly isn't interested in getting to know or respect you.

bagpuss90 · 07/12/2021 23:32

Bettybantz That’s exactly it -last straw

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HundredMilesAnHour · 07/12/2021 23:33

@bagpuss90

I just didn’t want to be there on the first place

So why did you agree to it?

Sitting in the front could have easily been a misunderstanding because you'd got out of the car when you arrived to get her so maybe she thought you moved for her. Why didn't you or your DP say something to her?

It sounds like you behaved terribly to be frank,. Hardly surprising she thinks you're unhinged.

Randommother · 07/12/2021 23:34

I think he’s telling you that you overreacted, because you massively overreacted! Regardless of their history, they are friends - it sounds like you acted impulsively out of jealousy, it’s a difficult move to come back from.

Babyfg · 07/12/2021 23:37

I think you were trying to be polite and it was brewing inside you and then stormed off.

Tbh what fuckery that he wants you to meet his ex and fwb. I bet he down played it the whole time and you thought you were being unreasonable etc. Even now he's throwing words like deranged about. You're not mad, he's unreasonable. And who gives a shit if his ex thinks he needs to think about your relationship. It clearly didn't work out well for her to be giving advice out or she wouldn't be the third party in this.

Honestly I think stand your ground. Tell him if he doesn't like your reaction he can fuck off back to his ex. This all screams mind game from him. Don't let him make you think otherwise.

bagpuss90 · 07/12/2021 23:40

I guess there’s a lot of history . I made a real effort in his lockdown birthday last year, made a three course meal at his and after I’d left he spent the evening chatting to her .

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NotABeliever · 07/12/2021 23:42

Why did he want you to meet her? What was the occasion or the excuse? Are they such close friends that he wanted you to meet her?

bagpuss90 · 07/12/2021 23:43

I think he thought things would be easier if we met . Not sure for who. It was the last straw

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NotABeliever · 07/12/2021 23:43

I can understand where you're coming from and I would be annoyed too. The worst bit is your partner telling you she thinks you're deranged. How dare he?

user53782991 · 07/12/2021 23:46

Why is he introducing his exFWB to you if you have an issue with it

Oh and she meant harm it’s so obvious but you didn’t really have to stomp off eh

NotABeliever · 07/12/2021 23:46

What do you mean "things would be easier if we met"? Have you been fighting over his ex in the past?

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