Revenge on the OW

(234 Posts)
Revengeisbittersweet Mon 06-Dec-21 16:48:58

Now i've name changed for this for obvious reasons.

Back story for you. A while back now during a particularly bad patch in my marriage when my dh and I had all but decided to separate he ended up having a drunken ONS with someone i knew relatively well.
Well unbeknown to me (as he never told me) he realised it was a massive mistake, gave him a massive kick up the arse and he decided he wanted to save our marriage. Again all unbeknown to me. BUT his behaviour from that point changed, he became so much nicer to me, so much more tolerant. He stopped drinking.

Anyway our relationship improved quite a lot and we stayed together, all the while i was oblivious to the ONS. Well it turns out that the OW fell head over limerence with my Dh and spent the following year tearing herself apart and imploding her life because she couldn't understand why he had made her feel there could of been a chance of a relationship only to tell her immediately after that it was a mistake. Now all of this was unbeknown to my DH, he was under the impression that she was on the same page as him and was as desperate as him that i never find out. But she proceeded to involve many of our mutual friends and they spent the following 12 months of dealing with her emotional fallout over it. And helping her to get over it but from all what i've heard she became completely obsessed, convincing herself every innocent interaction they had after was some secret sign of his love.

Anyway it all came to a head and she finally told me the truth. In a rather dramatic disclosure but basically told me they were in love and had had the most intense love affair over the space of 6 months when he broke her heart. She was very detailed in her disclosure and this was where she shot herself in the foot as she listed things and places i had been as the start of there affair and it ended when i was somewhere else (bear in mind the disclosure came over 2 1/2 yrs later). I keep a diary and on going back over it and double checking it with her the two events were only 14 days apart but the affair she claimed went on for months and months. She also threw our mutual friends under the bus saying they all knew and betrayed me. It turns out there were quite a few people who knew - humiliating much! Anyway this was another downfall as everyone said the same story - it was a drunken ONS, my husband was completely guilt ridden after it happened and told her it was a mistake, she lost the plot and convinced herself they were in love and he was tormented by not being able to be with her.

Anyway if you've made it this far congrats . Sadly the disclosure resulted in the end of our marriage, there was no bog fall out. I didn't particularly blame him for the ONS as we were in theory on the verge of splitting and there was a lot of unhappiness at that time. But it was the fact all this was going on afterwards with people we knew all party and i never knew. It was all a big betrayal of truat. ANYWAY HERE IS MY ISSUE.

I never confronted her, i never called out and said it was bullshit, that her dates didn't work out. I just thanked her for telling me. She desperately wanted us to meet but i declined she then sent a really unnecessary message detailing things they'd done in bed and things he'd apparently said about me. It was cruel but i think it was her way of really getting the final kick in for my exDH Who she still claims is her soul mate and has ruined her life.

Anyway i'm over everything else I've moved on, luckily we had no children so it was a relatively swift aplit. I have a great life, great friends etc i'm very lucky, my exH has paid the ultimate price for his mistake but i am somewhat consumed in those quiet moments where i want to kick her arse still, i want her to have a miserable time, i want revenge as she was a friend of sorts and i was only ever nice to her before, during and after. Others have said this will have driven her mad she wanted the drama and my not reacting or responding has really given me the higher ground, i haven't publicly aired my dirty linen. But i still want to get her back?? Why and will this feeling ever go? Or should i dream up some kind of revenge that she can't track back to me so i can finally move on?

OP’s posts: |
Thefartingsofaofdenmarkstreet Mon 06-Dec-21 16:52:08

Your husband shagged another woman, you have split up. Move on and keep your dignity intact.

Campervan69 Mon 06-Dec-21 16:55:54

Absolutely. Move on. Success and a happy life is the best revenge.

SlapBet Mon 06-Dec-21 16:56:40

That sounds awful for you and they are a couple of complete arseholes. Please try to remember that living well is the best revenge (easier said than done I know) and if it helps at all I hope karma comes for them both, don’t sully yourself ❤️

Grumpsy Mon 06-Dec-21 16:56:47

As above, move on. Keep your dignity.

SisterAgatha Mon 06-Dec-21 16:57:11

I’d let it go.

Revengeisbittersweet Mon 06-Dec-21 16:57:23

God i hate people who say woman who have been cheated on are in someway lacking in dignity because they react!!!

OP’s posts: |

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sassbott Mon 06-Dec-21 16:58:41

Revenge is not worth it, you’ve had the best revenge. Silence will drive her nuts, as will your complete lack of reaction. Stay your path.

Tbh, she doesn’t sound like a very healthy/ happy person (huge understatement). Leaving her with her crazy unvented is the best possible revenge.

To get her out your head? Write her a letter. Dear x, I want you to suffer because…..

Then burn it.

Totalwasteofpaper Mon 06-Dec-21 16:59:19

Not what you want to hear but it’s way easier to think she’s a psycho bitch than accept all your friends were betraying you to protect your arsewipe husband.

Really don’t waste your time dreaming up revenge, she is punished enough…

I call BS on this though
Now all of this was unbeknown to my DH, he was under the impression that she was on the same page as him
What a load of rubbish…he knew…

Sparklfairy Mon 06-Dec-21 16:59:33

She's already suffered. I would hate to spend even five minutes in her head!

Shuffleuplove Mon 06-Dec-21 17:00:33

The right and most sensible advice would be to move on and let it go.

Howevergrin I cheerfully admit I would go out of my way to fuck her up at every opportunity.

Revengeisbittersweet Mon 06-Dec-21 17:00:59

Missing the point, thanks for the responses so far ....I'm asking why I can't let it go. I suppose its because it goes against the grain. I am a very strong woman and if someone crosses me they know about it BUT when your cheated on you are wronged massively but society tells me i have to stay quiet and not say anything because i loose my dignity - why do i loose my dignity. Is it because you see it as my fault me husband 'shagged someone else' (i take it you werent attempting to spare my feelings) so i should just get over

OP’s posts: |
Barbieonice Mon 06-Dec-21 17:01:03

I think part of you will always dislike her for the lying, the manipulation behind your back and dragging mutual friends into the situation. I still dislike the OW but after many years I have come to realise exh wasn’t happy and if it hadn’t been her it would have been someone else so she is somewhat irrelevant. I will never forget the way he lied and gaslighted me for months, it has made me stronger and I will never allow myself to be treated like that again! So sorry you went through this flowers

BestZebbie Mon 06-Dec-21 17:01:04

At this point you are probably restricted to imagining it is her head when you bang the frozen peas against the worksurface to break a few off.

HollowTalk Mon 06-Dec-21 17:01:36

I'm really sorry that happened to you. Her telling you what they got up to in bed is particularly low and I can see why you want revenge.

I suppose the thing is that you have already had revenge in a way because he hasn't gone back to her, has he? You ended the relationship giving him the opportunity to start another relationship with her and he didn't take that opportunity. She has to live with the knowledge that he could be with her but he is choosing not to be with her. I don't think you need to do anything more now.

stalkersaga Mon 06-Dec-21 17:01:52

Why stick your hand directly into a hive of angry bees?

All you're going to get out of engaging with her further is stung. You've split up with your ex, so focus on your new life.

AdaColeman Mon 06-Dec-21 17:02:03

It was your husband who broke his vows and betrayed your trust, not her. It sounds as though you have all suffered enough.
Keep your dignity, and move on with your life.

Revengeisbittersweet Mon 06-Dec-21 17:02:54

@sassbott. Thank you great advise i will definitely give this a go. I would love to never think lf her again. This is one of the main things I'll never forgive my exh for - inviting someone into my life and my mind

OP’s posts: |
picklemewalnuts Mon 06-Dec-21 17:04:11

Revengeisbittersweet

Missing the point, thanks for the responses so far ....I'm asking why I can't let it go. I suppose its because it goes against the grain. I am a very strong woman and if someone crosses me they know about it BUT when your cheated on you are wronged massively but society tells me i have to stay quiet and not say anything because i loose my dignity - why do i loose my dignity. Is it because you see it as my fault me husband 'shagged someone else' (i take it you werent attempting to spare my feelings) so i should just get over


Not at all, but it's like reacting to bullies. It doesn't work the way you want it to, with them realising they were an arsehole and wishing they'd behaved better. It just doesn't.

Think more about 'grey rock'. Don't feed their drama, don't give them the satisfaction of joining in their view of the world where it's all about them.

Make it very obvious that they are in the past.

stalkersaga Mon 06-Dec-21 17:04:34

Revengeisbittersweet

Missing the point, thanks for the responses so far ....I'm asking why I can't let it go. I suppose its because it goes against the grain. I am a very strong woman and if someone crosses me they know about it BUT when your cheated on you are wronged massively but society tells me i have to stay quiet and not say anything because i loose my dignity - why do i loose my dignity. Is it because you see it as my fault me husband 'shagged someone else' (i take it you werent attempting to spare my feelings) so i should just get over

Nobody is saying that you have to never say anything about it. You can tell whoever you like. But a romantic betrayal is between that couple and adults with good boundaries do not enjoy being dragged into a dispute about who did who wrong that isn't relevant to them and having other people's dirty laundry ostentatiously washed at them. Plus "revenge" is petty and childish. It is not something that well-balanced people do.

starfishmummy Mon 06-Dec-21 17:05:12

Very tempting I'm sure. But as your friends have said you being dignified and calm about it it probably ly driving her mad so I'd make that do.

sassbott Mon 06-Dec-21 17:05:49

If you don’t know why you can’t let it go, have you had therapy? We don’t you, your history and what makes you tick. You need to work with someone to process this and let it go IMO.

Sometimes when you are a strong person, you focus on the doing. You found out, got a divorce, have clearly built a fantastic life. Did you stop to feel? Did you stop to process what were huge betrayals? From your husband to some mutual friends who were put in a horrible situation by these two people. Your world imploded through no action of your own. That’s horrible.

Have you felt and processed those feelings?

Stiffcondomhat Mon 06-Dec-21 17:05:54

What possible revenge could you get on her though? There is a high probability that whatever you did will backfire and make you look crazy. Or it all goes to plan and you get a huge buzz and plan more nasty things, get obsessed about it then before you know it you're arrested for stalking. It's a bad idea whatever way you look at it.
I understand your anger but it will fade in time...

Blue4YOU Mon 06-Dec-21 17:06:45

OP
Good advice above… get a nice notebook (ps I do this for the guy who sexually assaulted me).
Write in it.
Keep it close.
Write in it every time you are tired or drunk or angry.
Keep it.
And as I’ve learned… revenge is a dish best served frozen

HeartsAndClubs Mon 06-Dec-21 17:06:52

You’re clearly not over it if you still feel the need to get revenge.

I would suggest some therapy to help you come to terms with it all.

On the face of it she sounds unpleasant, but I would bet my house that your DH made promises to her and led her to believe there was more there just so he could get a shag.

And your friends betrayed you as much as he did. I would distance myself from the lot of them and seek some closure in therapy.

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