Husband kissed friend

[Berghia]

Sorry this is long.
I have name changed for obvious reasons but this isn't my first post.

Went out for drinks with husband and small group of friends. It's quite late, some have gone home and us remaining few are a bit drunk but not hammered.

Husband goes to bar with friend and they're gone ages. No longer at bar. I find them on dance floor talking so return to other friend and tell him. Something feels off so I go back and catch them as they're about to kiss. Feel like I'm in a soap opera.

I go home alone. Lots of angry phone call conversations with husband who wouldn't stop phoning me. Admitted they were about to kiss but kept saying that they'd not actually done anything. I said that was irrelevant as they would have if I'd not interrupted them. I tell him he needs to tell me now if anything has happened before or if anything did happen. He says no.

We talk a bit when I get home. I'm furious and tell him I'll never forgive him for the double betrayal and putting me in a position of risk in a city centre and having the nightmare of getting home alone when there were no taxis. I tell him I can't ever trust him.

In the morning I'm still angry in shock etc. He then tearfully admits they did in fact kiss.

Later we talk some more, I've calmed a bit and no longer want to move out. I tell him I need space so he stays out of my way, I go for a walk, visit my mum, message friends etc.

He's trying and is contrite and assures me he doesn't want her or for us to break up. We've talked about why he did it etc. I still feel like I'm missing some details but...

So now what do I do. I don't want to leave him but how does one go about moving on and getting past the lies. It's the lying I can't stand and the fact she was my friend. And that I was there. I'm meeting up with some friends this week to chat but I don't know what happens from here. If someone had suggested this would happen to us I'd have laughed. He's never given me reason to mistrust him. He's not perfect and neither am I. Our relationship was good, not perfect but pretty strong. I never imagined this could possibly happen. It's just blown my mind in the worst possible way.

If you made it to the end thanks so much.

[Yummypumpkin]

The only reassuring think I can think.of is that because you were there, together with lots of other friends, the odds of this being just alcohol induced madness are quite high.

If he was looking to decieve you he would not have picked this timing.

I guess this thread is going to split along lines if, "you don't do things drunk you wouldn't like to do sober" vs "its an intoxicant that literally removes memory, inhibition, verbal ability, coordination and perception of risk".

I'd cut him some slack if this is genuinely a one off. But I would consider whether evenings spent drinking to this extent are safe or wise.

[ExpectingLady93]

So they didn't kiss? To be honest it doesn't matter. The trust for me would be gone. And he let you go home alone? That's tough. If he acts like that around you when he's drunk wtf is he doing when he's not around you drunk. Sorry if that isn't helpful OP but I'd be pretty angry at this. Can you trust him again?

[ExpectingLady93]

Sorry OP I skimmed your post and read that they DID kiss. This is down to you. If it's a one drunken mistake and this is out of character for him then cut some slack but this is very hurtful behaviour.

[MizzFizz]

Yikes I'm so sorry about this. I would seek expert support (e.g. counseling) to work through this as it is tough. I also find it hard to trust someone who has already lied to cover his tracks once... Who knows what else he might be hiding. If he's commited to making it right, he'd best be paying for some counseling to help figure out where things have gone wrong....

[samesign]

Sorry to hear this, would be the end for me, a friend is far worse than a stranger. I would be wondering if they had already started an affair before this kiss, but understand that you are married, have you asked the friend and other friends in common to find out if anything more you could find out?
As you've said you don't want to leave him, are you both willing to cut ties with this friend?

[whatagloriousthingtobe]

Nope trust is gone. I'm sorry you're going through this it's one of the worst betrayals. Have you spoken to your 'friend' ?

[BeaMends]

Did he leave the bar and follow you straight home as soon as he realised you had left?

[workshy44]

For me the fact that he did it while you were there, when other friends were around would be very hard to get over. He was obviously so "overcome" that they couldn't stop themselves.
Also I would bet my bottom dollar that they have been heavy flirting for a while. You don't go from nothing to snogging with your wife/friend a few feet away that quickly

[Moff2k]

What reason did he give for kidding her ? Why did it happen ? Have you spoken to her ?
The problem is, the trust is gone. Its fucked now. I hate it when that happens, I'm so sorry

[Moff2k]

Kissing not kidding

[romdowa]

No way would I believe that this was the first time or an isolated incident. So sorry op

[Aquamarine1029]

I hope there's no children involved. I certainly wouldn't want them with this cheating arsehole. Cut your loses and get out.

[Fabpinky]

I would suspect that there was something more between them and they were trying for a sneaky kiss.

Have you spoken to your friend? What has she said?

[Kuachui]

i couldnt accept that betrayal. your friend.. on a night out with you!!! thats disgusting behaviour and would now be worried if he was so easily led what else could happen

[Lostmyheart101]

Can’t see that being the first time if I’m honest, just the first time they were caught.

Doesn’t add up how they knew the other one would want to dance and then kiss.

Does the friend have a partner?

[Lostmyheart101]

I’d call the friend and say I know you’ve slept together as he told me and see what she says.

[Morechocolatethanbarbara]

If your husband can kiss another woman when he's in the same room as you, what does he get up to when you're not there?!?

[CrushedPistachios]

Yes, I'd expect there's been some 'tension' between your husband and this so called friend for some time, and they just couldn't help themselves.

Have you told any of your friends? Have you spoken to the other woman? Why did he say he did it?

[SickAndTiredAgain]

So when did they kiss? Before you saw them? Or after you interrupted them he went back? Or a different occasion altogether?

[Lsquiggles]

@Morechocolatethanbarbara

If your husband can kiss another woman when he's in the same room as you, what does he get up to when you're not there?!?

This was my first thought too

[ABCeasyasdohrayme]

This would be the end for me.

I would want to forgive a kiss, but I know within myself I couldn't get over it, and I would be likely to bring it up in every fight etc.

I would be very inclined to think that ut was the build up of weeks or months of flirting beforehand, and I also think he will tell you the bare minimum he has to, as he already proved.

So sorry op

[todaysdilemma]

What reason did he give for kissing her? I don't understand why they went from the bar to the dance floor far from the group, and didn't just come back to you....He must have known things were crossing the line surely.

The challenge also is if she's part of your mutual friends group. Because the only way I'd be able to move on is if they had no more contact ever again. Which is hard to do if you'll all be meeting up regularly. And unless you're completely convinced it was a drunk one time thing, not the escalation of feelings on both their parts, you'll always be on edge. So the question is - how much do you trust him that he won't do it again, or carry a secret torch for her.

[Justcannotbearsed]

You know, people make mistakes, they do stupid things especially when drunk. If you generally trust him, think he's OK and was just a bit stupid then work on how you can get over it.

But you both need to work on it - you can't stew on it and let him have it everytime he forgets to put the bins out. And he can't just go 'soz - my bad' and expect you to think it's all fine.

But yes, people do stupid stuff.

[peboh]

This would be the end for me, for both my relationship and my friendship. They were going to kiss somewhere you were, what on earth made them think that was appropriate? Even with alcohol you know your spouse is there... if they don't think of you when you're in the same room, imagine how they'd both be had you not been there.

[SheldonesqueTheBstard]

It is the first time they’ve been caught.

As workshy said, this sort of stuff doesn’t happen right out of the blue. It has been given headspace by the pair of them before this.

For me? I need trust and honesty. He isn’t doing well on that so far.

I would wonder if he is admitting to the bare minimum so that you back off a bit to give them breathing room.

I’d be struggling to get my head round it too.

You know him best though. I’d need him right out of the way so I could try to think things through.