TRIP WITH FRIENDS turned into nightmare - now I've lost both friends.

(278 Posts)
Dogladyxo Sat 27-Nov-21 01:05:41

Hi All - looking for some advice really.

Myself, girlfriend (partner) and 2 mutual friends pre booked a vacation a few hours away. Also pre booked were 2 activities. Nothing is refundable. I did all of the research and booking as I enjoy it and everyone didn't know where to start!

Night before, something happened at work where I got a hard discipline and a talking to from director so I was very upset and distraught. I also suffer from anxiety/depression, although I know it's not an excuse. I messaged the group chat in the evening to say I can't go I'm so overwhelmed and ridden with sadness. (they could go without me) I then went to bed and both friends were incredibly upset and got no sleep as they didn't know if the trip was still happening. I woke up at 11 am, after a long nights rest I was ready to genuinely apologize and put this behind us.

Friend B write an essay about how inconsiderate I was, how they were up all night, booked 3 days off work ect and I wait till 11 am to message them. I froze up and my defense mechanism was to say lol and I'm going alone. NOT RIGHT at all but after half hour I sent so many messages till I was blue in the face of how seriously sorry I was. I felt horrible for putting everyone through worry about the trip. Eventually friend A (best friend) said she didn't want this to ruin our friendship and she will go. Then, friend a and b spoke and friend b was still furious and DEMANDING myself and/or gf refund them the whole trip money they paid.

Ultimately I feel it was their choice not to come on the trip. It was such a huge stressful conversation that friend b turned off her phone. Friend A turned around and said she changed her mind and this has caused her so much stress but for me to have a good time. AND she expects to be fully reimbursed for this. I said I'm sorry I cannot do that, this is your choice. Then she said never contact her again.

I sent a last message to friend B saying we will come pick both of you up anytime day or night during these 3 days, no reply.

WWYD? Saying "reimbursed" to me should be saying you need to pay out of pocket for this. I find this ridiculous as I can't even afford to pay out of pocket for both of them.

I'm upset this has ended with friend A and B ending our friendship.
I would love any advice mn can give.

OP’s posts: |
Holidaytan Sat 27-Nov-21 01:09:33

Sounds like you over reacted, sent a ridiculous message, then ignored everyone for ages. I wouldn’t want to go on a trip with you

HoppingPavlova Sat 27-Nov-21 01:09:35

You can’t dick people around like you did and then keep the money. It was your actions that led to this so accept the friendship is over but do the right thing and reimburse them, learn from it so this doesn’t occur with your friendships in future.

Newmum29 Sat 27-Nov-21 01:10:55

You need to refund them. Stop making excuses.

ABCeasyasdohrayme Sat 27-Nov-21 01:14:31

You fucked up, got upset, took it out on them, then changed your mind when you calmed down and expected everything to be alright again because you were alright again.

You need to give them their money back.

Presumably you're a grown up, you need to face the consequences of your actions and stop making lists of excuses as to why everything isn't your fault.

lynntheyresexpeople Sat 27-Nov-21 01:16:28

It's entirely your fault, you owe them that money. You made it almost impossible for them to go after throwing a tantrum and messing everyone around.
If they took you to small claims court, they'd have a decent case.
Pay them back their money, stop making excuses.

MrsTimRiggins Sat 27-Nov-21 01:17:05

HoppingPavlova

You can’t dick people around like you did and then keep the money. It was your actions that led to this so accept the friendship is over but do the right thing and reimburse them, learn from it so this doesn’t occur with your friendships in future.

This.

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Spudina Sat 27-Nov-21 01:17:12

Reimburse them. I can understand your original message about not going but the one you sent about going on your own was unbelievably out of line.

TreeSmuggler Sat 27-Nov-21 01:17:24

Sorry OP but I don't blame them for being upset. You cancelled the trip that they had paid for and taken time off for, and instead of being apologetic, your response was "lol".

Yes they could have gone alone but if you plan a trip for four, sometimes you don't want to go with just one other person (if you did, you would have planned that in the first place).

Dogladyxo Sat 27-Nov-21 01:20:47

I appreciate everyone's advice - it has opened my eyes and I feel more terrible.

I can't afford to pay out of pocket we're talking $1,000 sad

OP’s posts: |
lynntheyresexpeople Sat 27-Nov-21 01:21:50

I also cannot even explain how furious is be, if you messed me around all night, to then say "lol".
Sometimes at work you get told off - "ridden with sadness" and "distraught" is some of the most over dramatic rubbish I've heard in response to a work bollocking. No excuse at all for your behaviour. Excuse after excuse.

CinnabarRed Sat 27-Nov-21 01:22:08

Well, you need to find a way to pay them back, even if in instalments. You behaved terribly.

Dogladyxo Sat 27-Nov-21 01:23:20

Oh my word thank you everyone. I will be paying both of them back.

I've learned from this. Thank you again

OP’s posts: |
Kuachui Sat 27-Nov-21 01:24:00

Yeah sorry but you made it into a drama it could have and should have been sorted out before you went to bed, maybe even with a group call rather than text.

I would refund them as your the one who changed the plans and made it awkward.

Kitkat151 Sat 27-Nov-21 01:24:03

You were bang out of order.....I would have been furious with you .....you have just lost 2 friends.... even if you paid them back the friendship would never be the same

lynntheyresexpeople Sat 27-Nov-21 01:24:31

Dogladyxo

I appreciate everyone's advice - it has opened my eyes and I feel more terrible.

I can't afford to pay out of pocket we're talking $1,000 sad


Well they're $1000 out of pocket due to your behaviour and absolutely no fault of their own. So you're going to have to find a way. Overtime, sell some things you no longer need. Whatever it takes.

Monalotmoore Sat 27-Nov-21 01:24:43

Then learn from the experience and take other people's feelings a little more seriously in future.

Gymohithoughtyousaidgin Sat 27-Nov-21 01:25:19

Dogladyxo

Hi All - looking for some advice really.

Myself, girlfriend (partner) and 2 mutual friends pre booked a vacation a few hours away. Also pre booked were 2 activities. Nothing is refundable. I did all of the research and booking as I enjoy it and everyone didn't know where to start!

Night before, something happened at work where I got a hard discipline and a talking to from director so I was very upset and distraught. I also suffer from anxiety/depression, although I know it's not an excuse. I messaged the group chat in the evening to say I can't go I'm so overwhelmed and ridden with sadness. (they could go without me) I then went to bed and both friends were incredibly upset and got no sleep as they didn't know if the trip was still happening. I woke up at 11 am, after a long nights rest I was ready to genuinely apologize and put this behind us.

Friend B write an essay about how inconsiderate I was, how they were up all night, booked 3 days off work ect and I wait till 11 am to message them. I froze up and my defense mechanism was to say lol and I'm going alone. NOT RIGHT at all but after half hour I sent so many messages till I was blue in the face of how seriously sorry I was. I felt horrible for putting everyone through worry about the trip. Eventually friend A (best friend) said she didn't want this to ruin our friendship and she will go. Then, friend a and b spoke and friend b was still furious and DEMANDING myself and/or gf refund them the whole trip money they paid.

Ultimately I feel it was their choice not to come on the trip. It was such a huge stressful conversation that friend b turned off her phone. Friend A turned around and said she changed her mind and this has caused her so much stress but for me to have a good time. AND she expects to be fully reimbursed for this. I said I'm sorry I cannot do that, this is your choice. Then she said never contact her again.

I sent a last message to friend B saying we will come pick both of you up anytime day or night during these 3 days, no reply.

WWYD? Saying "reimbursed" to me should be saying you need to pay out of pocket for this. I find this ridiculous as I can't even afford to pay out of pocket for both of them.

I'm upset this has ended with friend A and B ending our friendship.
I would love any advice mn can give.

Obviously you need to refund them both

MoreAloneTime Sat 27-Nov-21 01:33:27

My advice to you is to treat others as you would like to be treated

Spudina Sat 27-Nov-21 01:39:03

Just to add OP, that I also have anxiety and depression and work problems have sent me into a breakdown where I said and did frankly crazy stuff, so I completely get how you could send the first message. It’s your responses to it (lol etc) that are the problem. I hope you manage to salvage your friendships.

TedMullins Sat 27-Nov-21 01:39:21

Hang on. We need more info. Did you single-handedly pay for the trip or did they pay their share to you?

I think everyone has overreacted here - you to the work situation, and them to you saying you couldn’t go. I think their reaction to that was bizarre. Similar has happened to me, a trip was planned and paid for with a group of friends and the day before, one of them had an incident that shook them up to the point they didn’t feel able to go. They apologised and said please the rest of you go without me and have a good time. The others said sorry to hear that, hope you feel better soon, and went on the trip. I don’t understand why they didn’t just go without you if it was all organised?

Did you actually send the lol message? That’s really rude if you did, but I don’t think it merits paying them back if they couldve gone but chose not to. I wouldn’t be reimbursing them, they’ve made a drama out of a molehill

ArblemarchTFruitbat Sat 27-Nov-21 01:44:31

You're doing the right thing by reimbursing them, but what sticks out here is that you need help - are you being treated for your depression and anxiety?

What you say resonates with me - I haven't been in this exact scenario, but the general situation of winding yourself up more and more, and half of you knows you are being completely unreasonable, but the other half can't stop, and then almost without realising it, the course of action progresses so far that you can't pull it back, and then you alienate the people you most need in your life.

So, no judgement from me @Dogladyxo because I've been there flowers. I hope you can get support with your underlying problems.

Snoopfroggyfrogg Sat 27-Nov-21 01:44:56

I saw your update, good on you for realising you need to refund them.

I have some sympathy with your original cock-up but you should have put it right before bed and the 'lol' message was really crappy. Sometimes we overreact, I am guilty of this, but the key is to put it right sooner rather than later. You can't leave people hanging like that.

Meadowbreeze Sat 27-Nov-21 01:46:00

It sounds like you're in the US where days off are like gold dust and work pressure can mean you have no job in 2 weeks. I can understand both sides to it. I think you sound like really hard work though and it looks like you're using your anxiety and depression as an excuse which is not on.
I am not surprised and their reaction and wouldn't particularly fancy staying friends with you after that lol message. Sorry you behaved like a teenager.

Snoopfroggyfrogg Sat 27-Nov-21 01:47:44

What you say resonates with me - I haven't been in this exact scenario, but the general situation of winding yourself up more and more, and half of you knows you are being completely unreasonable, but the other half can't stop, and then almost without realising it, the course of action progresses so far that you can't pull it back, and then you alienate the people you most need in your life

Wow, this stuck a chord with me! OP, you're not on your own with the anxiety flowers

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