I have name changed for this but also put this in relationships because I know I will hopefully get some help quickly . I literally can't believe my life has come to this . Not only am I hurting myself , which I have and can deal with but now I'm hurting other people along the way . People who I have grown so fond of . I know I need to talk to somone in rl but I'm so scared .
I know non of this is excuses for what I'm doing but I think it's triggered things that I am doing to help me cope . I had a traumatic childhood . Violence and I was sexually abused . I suffered with severe anxiety from when I was a child and used to drink from a young age because I always felt numb . I went through a bad patch drinking but don't anymore because it makes my anxiety worse . I am now abusing prescription medication and taking way over what I'm supposed too just to feel something .
I have recently been shopping constantly. When I shop it made me feel happy . Not for long so I would want to keep buying . Now this is the worst part of all and please I don't want abuse because I know how disgusting I am for doing this . I don't know why I am . I don't need too and the stuff I take I could buy myself . My job allows me to work in peoples houses . Same people who I have for the last ten years . I would never in a million years thought I would ever do this but I have been stealing ! From every single house . When I steal it makes me feel better . Like a release . And even happy ! How is this possible . Then I feel severe guilt and worry . But then when I get home I'm all happy again looking what I stole . I have been thinking of phoning the doctor today because I am so ashamed of myself . And I'm just not coping at all . To anyone who knows me they are even probably envious of my life because everything seems perfect . I work hard and long hours and I am on more than 3 times what the average monthly pay is so go on lovely holidays ect so why am I feeling so depressed ? I have cried all the way to my job . I feel so dead inside . I have even brought alcohol to work with me ! Am I having a breakdown ? Am I just a really nasty person ? Please help me
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Relationships
I'm ruining my life
86 replies
upsidedown22 · 24/11/2021 14:20
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